Results from July 23

ELE 6
Around The Horn 13

GoodFellas 20
Embassy 11

Embassy 6
Slackers 20

Notes:

- Around The Horn have clinched the top overall seed for the Tourney.
- The Slackers have clinched the #2 seed.
- The Embassy crew & GoodFellas have the same record at 3-4, but GoodFellas own the tiebreaker due to the head-to-head record (two games to none). The Embassy can still get the 3rd seed, but they have to beat Around The Horn next week and have GoodFellas lose to ELE. Any other result, and GoodFellas end up as the #3 seed.
- As mentioned before, ELE is locked in as the #5 seed.

Here's what's coming up...

July 30:

9:00 AM: ELE @ GoodFellas (Slackers)
10:30 AM: Slackers @ ELE (GoodFellas)
NOON: Around the Horn @ Embassy (ELE)

Tourney (Aug. 6):

9:00 AM PLAY-IN: #5 ELE @ #4 Seed
10:30 AM SEMI 1: #3 Seed @ #2 Slackers
NOON SEMI 2: #5/#4 Winner @ #1 Around The Horn*
1:30 PM FINAL: Semis Winners Play, Higher Seed Home
*NOTE: #1 Seed can choose which Semis time slot to play.

Eagerly Losing Everything

Hey, you degenerates!

Greetings from Ohio, home of $15 cases of beer and the sexy bodies that drink them. In a related item: How many 250-pound women can you fit into a size small halter top? Every damn one of them, apparently. Also a related item: They're f&*#ing called SKINNY jeans, you fat f&*%ing f&#ks.

I really need to go on a crash diet. I already feel myself verging. We don't want to verge, people. Never, ever verge.

I believe there's something of a softball season going on out there, yes? How's that working out for all y'all? Shut up. Don't answer that. I will tell YOU how it's working out...

Around The Horn's magic number is 1, meaning either one more win by them or one more loss by the Embassy, and they clinch the Tournament's top seed. Around The Horn's next game just happens to be against the winless and forfeit-happy ELE. Vegas is refusing to make odds.

For the Embassy to get the top seed, they need to win all three of their remaining games and have Around The Horn lose both of their remaining games. So it realistically looks like a three-way race for the second seed, because...

The Slackers & GoodFellas have been eliminated from the race for the top seed, but they both are alive for #2. All of this will work itself out, most likely by the end of this Friday's games, as the Embassy is taking on both GoodFellas and the Slackers.

ELE is locked in at #5 for the Tourney. That's 11 games and zero wins over the span of (almost) two seasons for the Sponsored Ones. Drink up, kids. My next case of $15 beer shall be guzzled in your honor.

IMPORTANT: Updated-revised-typed-and-PDF'd Rules(!) & an up-to-date schedule/results table can now be downloaded in the Downloadables section of this blog. If you can't find the Downloadables section, please click here.

Here's what you'll be doing this Friday...

July 23:

9:00 AM: ELE @ Around the Horn (Umps: Embassy)
10:30 AM: GoodFellas @ Embassy (Around the Horn)
NOON: Embassy @ Slackers (GoodFellas)

Enjoy it. Anyone want to chime in with early predictions? Anyone...?

PS: Declan started walking last week.

Three to go...

Friday, March 5:
Noon: ELE La Calle @ GoodFellas (Umps: 1 Slacker + 1 Monster)
1:30 PM: Slackers @ Green Monsters (Umps: 1 ELE + 1 GoodFella)

Saturday, March 6:
Time TBD: Slackers @ GoodFellas (Umps: 2 Monsters)
*This is a makeup of a Feb. 26 game*

Friday, March 12:
Noon: Slackers @ ELE La Calle (Umps: 1 GoodFella + 1 Monster)
1:30 PM: GoodFellas @ Green Monsters (Umps: 1 Slacker + 1 ELE)

Saturday, March 13:
Time TBD: Green Monsters @ ELE La Calle (Umps: TBD)
*This is a makeup of a Feb. 26 game*

Friday, March 19:
TOURNAMENT
11:15 AM: #3 Seed @ #2 Seed
12:30 PM: #4 Seed @ #1 Seed
2:00 PM: Semis Winners (Higher Seed Home)

Bears! Laziness! Murder! Shoeshines!

-No refunds. Consider your refund escaping this death trap with your lives!
From the movie Semi-Pro

-Slut.
-Buttwipe.
-Hoe.
-Monkey boy.
From the movie Slackers

-We can be as different as we wanna be, but you can't kill people!
-Says who!? I'm good with the Lord.
From the movie Monster

-Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.
From the movie Goodfellas

GAME TIMES HAVE CHANGED! (Updated Feb 17 @ Noonish)

We're pushing back the start times by just a few minutes to accommodate Little League, who will use the field for practice on Friday mornings.

Feb 19:
11:00 AM: ELE La Calle @ Slackers (Umps: 2 Monsters)
12:15 PM: Green Monsters @ Slackers (1 ELE + 1 GoodFella)
1:30 PM: Green Monsters @ GoodFellas (2 Slackers)

Comment moderation has been lifted. You're free to air it out. Have at each other.

Seriously, you shortbus riding halfwits. Get mean. We miss the mean!

Change You Can Be Leavin'

As promised, changes have been made to the schedule for weeks 8 & 9. Also, effective immediately, the position of co-captain is eliminated. You can do whatever you like within your own teams, but for the purposes of communication with the commish and discussions with the umpires, the Captain and only the Captain is the Dude. This is an issue of maturity and experience in league business. Some of the co-captains are simply not cut out for it yet. Finally, the Comments Section of the Slogs would like to extend an official welcome to all the hypocrites, idiots, whiners and jackasses. Welcome. I could blacklist those morons or instantly delete every comment they make, good or bad. But then a small part of them would die, and it's not time for the murders I have planned. Not just yet. Keep shooting yourselves in the foot guys. And stay classy, as always. Then again, maybe I'll randomly delete some of their comments, just to mess with them. Yeah. That's it. Friday, July 24 (Week 7): Camels 8 Canardlys 16 JoSox 35 Canardlys 7 Nomads 7 Slackers 14 Friday, July 31 (Week 8): 9:00 AM Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 Nomads Note: This is a six-inning game and will begin with the top of the 2nd. 10:45 AM Nomads @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox 12:30 PM Nomads @ JoSox Umps: 3 Camels Friday, August 7 (Week 9): 9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Slackers (Filling for Nomads) Please note: Nothing in this post is up for debate, discussion, vote or poll.

Week 7: The Real Monkeyfest

--LATE UPDATE (The captains already know this): 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys The Camels will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys The JoSox will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 Slackers 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys (Note the change) --END UPDATE-- Before we get to the week's games, there will be a party...and you're (probably/maybe) invited. The Marine House at the US Embassy is having "Guest Bartender Night" and they've opened their doors to Amman Softball League. Free admission, cheap drinks. Info was emailed to each team. If you're a player and didn't get it, see your captain. Please don't call, text, or email me about this. It is not my gig. I have no more info than what's in that email. I'm just passing it along. (NOTE: Yes, you certainly CAN bring a non-ASL date. Just follow the instructions in the email.) Speakin' about cheap drinks. Not in cans, bottles, jugs, kegs, travel mugs or brown paper bags. Not in anything at all. Don't bring alcohol to the ALLA Complex. ALCOHOL IS NOT ALLOWED ON LITTLE LEAGUE GROUNDS. July 24 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys Umps: 3 JoSox

From Summer 2007, Bling Bling (Top center: Jawad, Saif & Maher; top right: Laith)

Both teams have their origins in 2007's disastrous Bling Bling team, which split into 4U2NV and the Trojans. 4u2NV became Bezzig & Lezzig, then Canardlys. The Trojans are now the Camels. There was an interesting unilateral "bet" made in the comments section. 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys Umps: 3 Slackers

Maher searches in the dirt for his defense. A microscope would be helpful.

Speakin' about Maher...he still owes us about 56 pushups. Oh yeah, one more thing... Freak, you out there? 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 1 JoSox + 2 Canardlys

An unidentified Nomad tried drowning his sorrows, but his sorrows learned to swim.

Jordan Cup? What Jordan Cup? It's beyond the point of plastering the Nomads on milk cartons and issuing Amber Alerts. We're damn near the point of making funeral arrangements. Man up, 'Mads. (Note: The player in the pic may or may not be one of the Nomads captains not named Zaki.) Notes: There may be schedule changes for the final two weeks of the regular season. Please stay tuned. Or don't. As always, I really don't care what you degenerates do. Still time to vote in the walking poll. As of this typing, Laith Barhoum is considered the walking mascot of ASL. Quite an honor.

Diesel Fume Ponderings

Declan Sartawi, representing babies everywhere.

SLOGS WARNING: If you are easily offended...ah, you know the drill.

Shukri Saleh is not worried about his sperm count.

Slogs Note: The following is an email from Shukri to Mude, modified from a letter Shuk sent to his parents.

First off, I would like to extend my best wishes and congrats to Brooke and Mude on the beautiful addition to their family. I feel I speak on behalf of the league (most of you, at least) and Mr. Jawad, of course, when I say that we are looking forward to getting smashed and inebriated on July 1st, 2010, Declan’s one year birthday! Congratulations. Love, Le Freak. Now, to all other young couples considering taking this big step in life, please reconsider. I prepared this list for my parents, detailing my reasons for not reproducing. 1. Why? Is it supposed to complete me!? My ass. 2. Bad investment. The costs involved in feeding, clothing, and educating the SOB or DOB. Children under 18 are a major financial liability. 3. I have seen too many good parents have their lives ruined because of their “problem child.” 4. Drugs. This can range from having an addict daughter/son, legal fees, legal issues, DUI, vehicular homicide, etc. 5. Raising the child. Having to feed it, bathe it, care for it, provide a loving & nurturing environment (I just tasted my own vomit), advising, guiding, and being a responsible father really seems like too much work and, more importantly, a MAJOR RESPONSIBILITY. 6. Activities like sports events, rehearsals, ballet, piano, Disney World, theme parks. (I’d rather have two root canals and have all my wisdom teeth yanked out again). Wow, is there any time left for my significant other and I? What about “our” activities? Can I really sit through a high school game or a little league season? 7. Birthdays. Mine were fun, but my parents hated it, and for good reason. 8. Family events. Having to do the “Holidays,” taking the children to their grandparents, cousins, and other relatives that come out of nowhere. 9. Education. Parent/teacher conferences, putting them in a good school and keeping up with their school events. I did well in school, but I disliked it. Why put myself through that crap again? 10. Stress. The stress involved with having a child. He goes out to play, she goes skydiving, she goes to the beach, he goes climbing or traveling, etc. I would be concerned and worried about their wellbeing the whole time, when I’d rather be enjoying myself or relaxing. 11. My significant other. Telling her, “Honey, I love you, but don’t love them (the kids).” I’m sure that will not go over very well with her. 12. Golf. I would much rather be golfing than doing the father-son or father-daughter bonding stuff. Yes I can take them out with me, but … no. 13. People say it’s only 18 years that they are with us, then they leave the house. 18 freaking years! That’s like more than a fourth of what I am expecting to live. Is Obama going to bail me out? 14. Religion. If my daughter or son came to me saying they found Jesus, or the words of Mohammed are echoing in their heads, or Moses (never mind…haha), I would lock them in a room and beat the stupidity out of them. The last thing I need is religion in my life. 15. You ever see those parents chasing their kids in the mall, or their child is screaming and kicking in the restaurant, or crying in the bank? Do you really want to be that parent? I have always wanted to walk over to such parents and ask them, “Do you mind if I slap your son and shut him up?” 16. Patience. Raising a child, or just being around him/her, requires patience, which I do not have at all. 17. Sex. What if you want to be loud? What if the kitchen table, sofa, or washing machine are the closest convenient spot? What if we want to invite a third person? I’m just saying, kids get in the way of a healthy sex life. 18. Family name is not a good enough excuse. 19. “This is why we were put on this earth.” Do you also believe in Noah’s Ark? Not good enough. Or, “It will make you happy.” Everyone has his or her definition of that. 20. Divorce. Hey, no marriage is guaranteed. Kids just complicate the divorce.

Poll Results...

Bite me.

Slogsville makes the call.

Just for fun, let's look at the standings, using Roman numerals: I. Slackers II. JoSox III. Camels IV. Canardlys V. Nomads So the "V" stands for five, just as the Nomads had intended. OK, that's not exactly what they had in mind. In real life, Roman numerals are used to add a sense of legacy. In marketing, Roman numerals are used to "dress up" inferior products. You be the judge. Speakin' about the Nomads...

Former Nomad Ramzey Nassar, in the hospital on game day. Ramzey would've made it to the game, but he insisted on having his temperature taken rectally, and it took the nurse a while to find a big enough thermometer. (Glad it was all OK, Ramzey. Hope this teaches you not to call in sick again. And not to have Zaki snap a pic of you and send it to the Slogs.)

Former Nomad John Simon spots Camel Saif Barhoum.

While Saif lifts to get exercise, his brother Laith just walks.

Nomad Omar Massarweh "points" to another loss. I guess he hasn't lost his passion. The Viagra helps?

Speakin' about another Nomads loss, here's your Week 6 slate: 9:00 AM: Canardlys @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads (Not one, not two, but THREE.) 10:45 AM: JoSox @ Nomads Umps: 2 Camels + 1 Canardly 12:30 PM: Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox You're on your own for predictions. Use the comments section...and use your real name. Don't forget to vote in the new poll. Top of the green sidebar. Do it now. Photo Credits: Shukri Saleh, Zaki Ibrahim.

Week 5 Preview: Cloned Ape = Rematch

In Softball, men don't walk. They swing like apes.

9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 Slackers Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for JoSox @ Camels on July 3.)* Rematch week kicks off with the Canardlys looking for back-to-back wins against the Nomads. Will Jawad Dabbas's screaming ways alienate his teammates or accidentally lead them to another win? 10:45 AM Slackers @ Nomads Umps: 1 Canardly & 2 JoSox Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for Canardlys @ Slackers on July 3.)* The Nomads start game 2 of the Jordan Derby in the hole, losing 3 outs and the Black Hole that is CF Zaki Ibrahim. MIA: Massarweh's leadership. All of ASL is holding its breath to see if the Slackers will actually swing their bats. 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads The Camels, led by the bat (and mouth) of Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin, are brimming with confidence after last week's defeat of the JoSox. They look to make it two straight, while the Sox hope to make enough adjustments to squeak by with a win.

***

Still time to vote in the Nomads poll (upper right, in the green sidebar). Email suggestions for next week's poll, which will start Saturday. *The 3-out punishment for missing an umping assignment was put into effect after a unanimous captains' vote on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Week 3 Preview: Party Like A Shaved Ape

9:00 Canardlys @ JoSox (Umped by 3 Slackers) Teammates in partying, foes on the field. A few hours after this game, Canardlys 1st baseman Chad "The Imam" Bowen and the JoSox #1 fan, Lama Saqr, will hold their engagement party. With members of both teams invited, there may be fallout from the game. I'm thinkin' fisticuffs. I'm thinkin' mayhem. Yes, Mr. Milkshake, there will be blood. *** 10:45 Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by 3 JoSox) The Jordan Derby. The teams are set to play three times this season, with the team that wins at least two games having the honor of taking home the brand new prize. The new "trophy" won't be revealed until there's something on the line, which will be their next game. What will be revealed, however, are the Nomads' new uniforms. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I'm telling you, we are going to have a lot of fun with this. *** 12:30 Slackers @ Camels (Umped by 3 Nomads) The Slackers are spreading rumors that the Camels will forfeit this game. We haven't seen that tactic yet, but if you're scared to play a team, like the Slackers quite obviously fear the Camels, then there is a smarter play. Convince the other team that your team won't show up. Then your opponents won't show up, and you'll come out of hiding to claim the forfeit. Is this what you signed up for, Ash? *** "I didn't get to vote" was sent to me by a couple people, so I'm extending the Bash Mude poll (upper right, in the Green). A new poll will be published on Saturday. Trash-talking may now commence. Or not. I really don't care what you degenerates do.

Week 2: Monkey Wedding Afterglow

We're not quite ready for the Jordan Cup Derby. One more week, right? UPDATE 6:15 PM: There's been a switch in the schedule. Please note! 9:00 AM JoSox @ Noobz We've got some serious new competition for "Best Shortstop" this season, as Eric Atkins showed. Y'all better take a look at the Noobz's Ramzi before it's too late. Can we get someone from the Embassy to clear the mines between home and 1st base? Will the Noobz bring their A-Team to knock off the defending champs? 10:45 AM Slackers @ AF11 Canardlys Umps: Two from Nomads, Two from Trojans SWAT Notes: The Slackers need a booster shot for innings 1-4, and AF11 Canardlys need one for innings 5-7. Nader being on the Slackers is like the Dalai Lama joining the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Maher's at-bat wiggle-dance routine is like a soldier fixing his hair before combat. Will Chad "The Imam" Bowen remember not to face Mecca while playing defense and pay attention to the ball instead? Finally, where's Ash? 12:30 PM Trojans SWAT @ Nomads Umps: Two from AF11 Canardlys, Two from JoSox Massarweh wants a Best Shortstop Opinion Poll. The Trojans SWAT's backup, George, should give him some tips. Hot Pants Rihani is the biggest fan of KISS I have ever known. We want Jeff Sillin to start writing for the Slogs. The Nomads have a few ringers on their team this season, but will they be here for the Tourney? Will the Trojans SWAT win this game, or will they win it in a rout? If your team is even one ump short for any game, then you will take an automatic three outs in your next game's first inning batting turn. (If your next game is against the Noobz, then it'll be assessed the game after that.) Leftovers: Bring cash this week. No pay, no play. Look at the new poll, courtesy of Jeff. Lewd Comment of the Week: "I vehemently but very respectfully disagree with your assessment of the play's result, sir." - Trojan SWATter George, who was ejected. Web Gem of the Week: Gotta be Eric's twisting, diving catch at short, right? Discuss. UPDATE: Rocky's stab of Rudy's hard liner to 3rd in the Sox-Slackers game is the clear front-runner so far. Player of the Week: My vote goes to Massarweh, for not playing. But y'all discuss.

It's On

Important Announcement From Ziggy & Schwa: The Tourney ends with the Championship Game (2:15 PM) this Friday, August 15. But the All-Star Game will be played the following day at 11:00 AM. We’re contacting players and captains today & tomorrow, but you have to be patient with us. Dialing a phone is kinda hard for us, because we’re cats and have no thumbs. In the meantime, please enjoy our cartoons making fun of Mude, and read the XL edition of the Summer 2008 Tournament Preview.

Ziggy & Schwa, Mude 8/14/2008

But seriously. Read the rules. This is neither the majors nor little league. Pitching, baserunning, substitutions and interference calls are all considerably different, and there are many incorrect assumptions about all of them. Don't get burned. If you know the rules by which we play, you'll have an edge in the Tournament. Here's some more epic posting...

ASL Summer 2008 Tournament Preview PLAY-IN GAME #5 Bezzig & Lezzig (0-8) @ #4 Trojans (3-5) Time: 9:15 AM Conditions: 76 F, WSW 8 MPH Umpires: 1 Slacker + 2 Nomads Kevin’s Take: B&L: This team just doesn't seem to put it all together for the whole game. I have seen them play just a couple times, and they seem to do ok for 2-3 innings and then the flood gates open. Keys to success: Cut down the errors, pitchers need to throw strikes, and of course scoring a lot of runs wouldn't hurt. Trojans: Probably the most dangerous team in the tournament. Everyone expects the JoSox, Slackers, and Nomads to be there but the Men in Black may surprise a few people. Keys to success: Pitching, fielding, and not letting other teams take extra bases on throws all over the field. Massarweh’s Take: B&L: Can't field. Can't hit. But love to play the game. I envy them. Trojans: Take out Aaron Bouchane, Saif Barhoum and Jeff Sillin’s bats, and the Trojans got nothing. Laith Barhoum does make a play, though, every once in a while. Their selectivity on swinging at pitches like women will get them nowhere. Ziggy Says: Massarweh is a chauvinist goat. He compares the Trojans’ selective swinging to feminine behavior, as if women can’t play, but his own team would be no better than 2-6 without their women. And he forgets about Ben Barrows, Tarek Jallad, Laura Alsenas and Mohamed Zalatimo (who is only one of the best pitchers in the league). Prediction: Bezzig will have a great party, regardless of the result. Schwa Says: With a full roster, the Trojans will make noise in this Tourney. The key to the Trojans going far in the playoffs will be their outfield defense and shortstop play, in addition to selecting the right batting order. Prediction: Trojans march on. SEMIS 1 #3 Nomads (5-3) @ #2 Slackers (6-2) Time: 10:45 AM Conditions: 81 F, WSW 9 MPH Umpires: 1 JoSox + 1 Bezzig + 1 Trojan Kevin’s Take: Nomads are the most trash-talking squad in the tournament, and they can never back it. I am sure they will come in brash and cocky after thrashing the JoSox 3 weeks ago but what's done is done. Keys to success: Hitting. Missing two of the better hitters in their lineup, the rest will have to produce. If not, fire up the grill. Slackers, as always, are strictly offensive. Defense is just a place to stand until it's their turn to bat. They were missing a couple of their best hitters in the tiebreaker game, one of which is their top outfielder, Nader Qushair. With Willy gone for the Tourney, it might be a silent Slacker team--unless Rocky Abushaar rejoins the team. Massarweh’s Take: Nomads truly are the most trash-talking team in the Tournament who can’t back it up. More than often than not, they fail to keep a huge lead, and break down in one inning and can’t bounce back. Their players try to do things they simply cannot do. Keys to success: Focus, hit and be mentally tough day in, day out. The skill is there. The mental power to get it done is lacking. Slackers are an offensive superpower, but a defensive dwarf. All you need to do to beat this team is to hit it hard and on the ground. The rest will happen easily. Schwa Says: Don’t you love it when people spout off without having all the facts? Kevin & Massarweh both ripped on the Orange D, but the Slackers were the second-best defensive team in the league this season. They allowed fewer runs per game than the Nomads, and only 5 more all season than the JoSox. On offense, they also finished 2nd to the JoSox, but ahead of the Nomads. Slackers get some key players back, including Nader, Rocky and Yazan Barghouti. The Orange will triumph in this game, and it’s not going to be as close as some may think (or hope) it would be. Ziggy Says: The Slackers are an absolute force. Like my Pops, Mude, has said before, the Orange Way is to keep it in the family and throw everything they have at their opponents. Their ability to score is obvious and their defense is underrated. That sounds like a dangerous combo to me. And the two missing Nomads make it a tough climb for the Sandwalkers. Prediction: Slackers win. SEMIS 2 Winner of #5/#4 @ #1 JoSox (6-2) Time: 12:15 PM Conditions: 84 F, WSW 10 MPH Umpires: 1 From Loser of #3/#2 + 2 From Loser of #5/#4 Kevin’s Take: JoSox: This team doesn't rebuild; it reloads. They seem to have shored up the defensive issues from earlier in the season, and the hitting appears to be peaking. By far the best OF and SS in the league, hands down. Keys to success: Focus. Massarweh’s Take: Most organized and focused team in the Tournament, but by far the most BORING team with no motivation whatsoever (except Kevin). When they reload, they reload, but somehow they manage to reload with players nobody wants. There is no continuity from season to season, which, in my opinion, is the reason behind their lethargic game face. Best SS? I have never seen him play, so I cannot answer. We all know who the best SS in this league is, don’t we, Nomads? (Mude: Why not have a vote, like you did with the Leach [sic]? That would be much more entertaining than Kevin’s hezz danab.) Schwa Says: I’m the Boycat, and I also have a mancrush on Doug “Hoover” Van Zandt. He has been playing shortstop in ASL for four-plus seasons, yet Omar Massarweh claims to have never seen him play. Maybe if CHOKEmar MassERRORweh stepped back from his full-length mirror once in a while, he’d actually catch a glimpse of the other players in this league. Ziggy Says: Easy on Omar, little Schwa. The man’s about to get engaged! About the game: If the JoSox take this game seriously, they’ll march on to the championship game, where the Slackers will be waiting for them. If they goof off and give away outs on defense and on the basepaths, then we’re in for the biggest shocker in our history—bigger than when the Trojans crushed the Nomads last Tourney. Prediction: JoSox remain focused, win the game and bring me meat-filled treats. CHAMPIONSHIP GAME Time: 2:15 PM Conditions: 89 F, WSW-W 10 MPH Umpires: 1 from each of the 3 eliminated teams Preview/Prediction: God only knows, right?

***

Rivalry Week: Kinder, Gentler

If you're not a good sport going forward, you may very well be ejected from the game. This is absolutely serious. There will be zero tolerance for arguing & shouting matches. Be civil, please. 10:00 AM JoSox @ Slackers (Umped by Nomads) Temp: 27°-29°C (81°-84°F) Winds: 13-15 km/h (8-10 mph), from West** To completely demean myself by bringing Bon Jovi into the Slogs, only the names will change. Whether it's the Green Monsters, Traitors, or JoSox, the Slackers know who their rivals are. The Green Traitor Sox have won nine of the ten games, with the Slackers managing to snag only the first meeting. Schwa Says: JoSox are living dangerously with all those fly balls. Ziggy Says: Slacker Serenity Sabotages Sox. Oh, and meow. Summer '06 July 21, 2006 (Wk 5): Slackers def. Green Monsters* July 28, 2006 (Wk 6): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Winter '07 Feb 23, 2007 (Wk 4): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Mar 9, 2007 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* def. Slackers Summer '07 June 15, 2007 (Wk 1): Traitors* def. Slackers Aug 10, 2007 (Wk 9): Traitors def. Slackers* Aug 17, 2007 (Tourney Semis): Traitors* 13, Slackers 6 Winter '08 Dec 8, 2007 (Wk 1): Green Monsters 33, Slackers* 11 Feb 9, 2008 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* 19, Slackers 15 Mar 14, 2008 (Tourney Championship): Green Monsters* 16, Slackers 7 11:30 AM Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by JoSox) Temp: 29°-31°C (84°F-88°F) Winds: 14-18 km/h (9-11 mph), from West** It seems like just yesterday that the first Jordan Cup Derby was played. This will be Version 5. The Nomads lead 3-1 all-time. The Slackers started the last meeting with only nine players, and the difference in the outcome was one ten-run inning by the Nomads. Get your aspirin ready. Schwa Says: Break a leg, Massarweh. Ziggy Says: In three places. Summer '07 Jul 13, 2007 (Wk 5): Nomads 14, Slackers* 11 Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): Nomads* 18, Slackers 15 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Slackers* 22, Nomads 21 Summer '08 June 27, 2008 (Wk 2): Nomads* 22, Slackers 13 1:00 PM Bezzig & Lezzig @ Trojans (Umped by Slackers) Temp: 32°-33°C (89°-91°F) Winds: 18-19 km/h (11-12 mph), from West** Last summer, there was a team called Bling Bling. While calling them terrible is an insult to Ivan, they did manage to win one game...by forfeit. Somehow, that one win was split into two teams last season. The Trojans are back for sloppy seconds their second season, continuing to provide safe pleasure for ASL, while last season's 4U2NV squad caught a case of the evil eye and is now known as Bezzig & Lezzig. All-time series is tied at one. Schwa Says: If Bezzig's full roster shows up, they'll be tough to beat. Ziggy Says: Jeff Sillin, Saif Barhoum, Aaron Bouchane. Yikes. Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): 4U2NV* 24, Trojans 23 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Trojans* 18, 4U2NV 12 * Home Team ** Winds from the West blow from left field toward the Clubhouse

Shbotmahlorbot: Weeks 5 & 6 Preview

Before the previews, please heed this bit of advice: Stop cursing, yelling and arguing. It's been getting progressively worse, and I will personally take the blame for that. But from now on, the response from the League will be just as ugly as the acts of bad sportsmanship. -Mude It's time for some separation. After this weekend, each team will have played the other five teams at least once. All ties will be broken. And with two games each, now is the time to set the tone for the home stretch of the season. Who rules ASL?

If you want the full schedule, constantly updated to match the weather, go to the Downloadables section, below the Standings in the green column.

Friday, Feb. 8: 10:00 AM: 4U2NV @ Nomads (Umps: Trojans) The Nomads got a lot younger lately. Will they bring coloring books and crayons to keep their new members occupied? Envy look to avenge the loss they suffered the last time they went up against the 'Mads, but they'll have to do it without Jiries Azar, who starts a three-game suspension for starting a fight. Last meeting: Nomads 30, 4U2NV 2 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: The Youth prevail. Nomads by 6. 11:30 AM: Nomads @ Trojans (Umps: Hit Squad) The Trojans look to start a winning streak with some new players. If that happens, we're hearing rumblings that Nomads captain Omar Massarweh will have the "C" ripped off his chest by Zaki "Crank Yanker" Ibrahim, who pulled a first when he argued against a called strike by citing the very rule that made it a strike. Ziggy & Schwa say: What does that "C" stand for, Rofelio? Trojans by 1. 1:00 PM: Trojans @ Hit Squad (Umps: Nomads) A tough double-header for the kids from Troy, but we hear they have some "builders" coming in. Could the Trojan Horse's historical role get reversed and help them win? It all depends on which Hit Squad shows up -- the Hittin' one or the Sittin' one. Last meeting: Hit Squad 19, Trojans 14 (7 innings, Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: We smell an upset. Trojans by 2. Saturday, Feb. 9: 10:00 AM: Hit Squad @ Slackers (Umps: Green Monsters) Hit Squad is coming off a stirring comeback against the Nomads, while the Slackers just had home run hitter Yazan Barghouti suspended for one game for swinging his handbag at a player who who threw three punches from 40 centimeters away and didn't land any. Before you think there might be misbehavin' in this game, look who's umping. Ziggy & Schwa say: Curse once and we'll snack on your entrails. Hit Squad by 3. 11:30 AM: Slackers @ Green Monsters (Umps: 4U2NV) A couple of teams fancy themselves the rivals of the Green Monsters, but there is no more heated derby than when the Green & Orange collide. Just ask Northern Ireland. Or Ash Samawi, who goes up against friends and family with "Ex-Slacker" across the back of his Monsters jersey. Even Ash's lovely wife, fellow ex-Slacker and current Monster Abeer Kayali, still hates the Green so much, she hasn't even shown up for a game yet. Fact: The last team (still playing) to have beaten the Monsters? Slackers, back in July, 2006. Last meeting: Green Monsters 33, Slackers 11 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: Over/Under on Walid Abu Hassan + Rocky Abu Shaar outbursts: 2. 1:00 PM: Green Monsters @ 4U2NV (Umps: Slackers) Research just in has confirmed that 4U2NV is the first ASL team to have a fancy design in the fabric of their team jerseys. I'm not saying it makes them look soft. I'm saying I envy it. Harar Mismar talked some smack about his Envy team taking the Monsters to the wood shed. Let's hope he and Hussam Arafah say some extra prayers this week. Ziggy & Schwa say: Dirty Water, baby. Green Monsters by 6.

Week 4 Preview: Is That A Toe?

Khaled Rihani's injured big toe. (VOTE in the upper right of this page!)

In case you haven't heard, we're on for tomorrow's games.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Game 1 - 10:00 AM:
Nomads @ Hit Squad
(Umped by 2 Green Monsters)

The Nomads are coming off a tough loss, while Hit Squad are coming off a...long weekend. Playing without Shukri Saleh and Saad Kurdi, the Nomads will try to get back on track against a well-rested Hit Squad who will bring the power of their new uniforms and the return of captains Chris Hattayer and Mark McPherson.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: Assassins are sexy. Hit Squad by 3.

Game 2 - 11:30 AM:
Trojans @ Green Monsters
(Umped by 2 Slackers)

Both teams have been living dangerously this season, with the Monsters having similar games as the Trojans, but better results. The Greenies have won their last two games by one run each, but the Trojans have lost all three of their games in extra innings. Trojan Maher Abu Arja took it especially hard, so he will have to summon the memory of his favorite romantic lead male character to help his team.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: Who feeds us? Monsters by 4.

Game 3 - 1:30 PM:
4U2NV @ Slackers
(Umped by 2 Trojans)

The regression of the Slackers worries the Slogs. The perennial contenders have fallen on hard times lately, but a gutsy 7-inning win against the Trojans last week might be the boost they've been looking for. 4U2NV are the Cinderella team of the season so far, and new member Joe Roos brings experience and strategy to ASL's NewKids.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: We love 4U2NV (but)...Slackers by 6.

Week 3 Preview: Playing Nice With Our Hosts

WEEK 3, V1.2 - FRIDAY, JANUARY 18th: 11:30 AM: 4U2NV @ Hit Squad (Umps: 2 from Green Monsters) 1:00 PM: Nomads @ Green Monsters (Umps: 2 from Hit Squad) 2:30 PM: Slackers @ Trojans (Umps: 1 Nomad + 1 Green Monster) The slight change to the schedule is due to Little League needing the fields this Friday morning for soccer tournament team tryouts. (I found out about an hour before posting this, but we have a nice relationship with ALLA, so no biggie.) We simply moved the first game to the afternoon, so only two teams are affected. Let's hope Massarweh doesn't imagine a conspiracy theory here...although there probably is one. I'll add some of Ziggy and Schwa's musings on each game a little later. They're still gathering their thoughts.

Week Two Preview: Old Friends Meet Again

It's Rivalry Week, kids. Three games, three opportunities for absolute mayhem. 10:00 AM - Green Monsters @ Hit Squad (Umps: Slackers) The two teams share a common ancestor in 2005's Intruders. Renamed the Green Monsters the following summer, several of the current players from both these teams won that season's championship together. The next season, the Monsters essentially split into three teams: the Beats, along with the Sluggos--who lost the championship game to (you guessed it) the Green Monsters. The Sluggos and Beats are in the arms of History now, with Hit Squad being the latest team to try to knock off their distant Green cousins. We hear that ringers are being flown in from all corners of the globe. It'll be intense, for sure. 11:30 AM - Slackers @ Nomads (Umps: 4U2NV) The Jordan Derby pits Amman Softball League's two best teams with all-local roots--and easily the highest collective blood pressure in any game you'll see this season. The first game between these impassioned rivals was tight until the Slackers lost control of their emotions and gave the game away. But the Slackers have to be wondering if the Nomads have looked past this game. With all the trash talking going on between the 'Mads and a team they're not even playing this week, have the Bedouins already chalked this one up as a win? 1:00 PM - Trojans @ 4U2NV (Umps: Hit Squad) Of all the possible scenarios going into this season, I don't think anyone could have predicted that Bling Bling would split into two teams. But they did, and there is now some bad blood between the Trojans and 4U2NV. Trojans captain Saif Barhoum, himself a Blingvet, hand-picked a few former teammates and, along with brother and team screamer Laith, put together a new team. This left the other Blingers sad and homeless. That is, until Neal Zureikat put together 4U2NV, a team with great potential and women who can seriously play the game. And now they're all trying to burst the Trojans bubble.

The Biggest Game of the Year...So Far

BREAKING NEWS:

Alberto Santiago will be back tomorrow...playing!

Ziggy and Schwa grew close over the past week.

It’s late, I know. I was out of town. Also, Ziggy and Schwa were upset about it, and it’s hard to write one of these previews without creatures who actually know the game. Also, I’m lazy.

It's going to be the hottest gameday of the season. If you're reading this, thank you for dropping in and being a loyal Slogger. Your reward is this urgent plea to hydrate all day long. If you're not reading this, then you won't know that I don't care if you drink water or not. Here's what the kittens have to say about Week 7 at Slogway Park...

Nomads (5-1) @ Traitors (6-0)
Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 90°F/32°C
Wind: From NW, 7 MPH/11 KM
Umps: Mude & Yvette

Ziggy and Schwa agree: The Traitors’ depleted lineup and age will finally catch up to them. (Remember, these are the cats' words, not mine. But I happen to agree.) The only question in the minds of the Vegas Felines is whether or not Shukri can hit one out, despite winds which will be blowing straight in from center. First the Nomads will rattle the Traitors, then they’ll beat them. Nomads by 6 runs.

Traitors (6-0) @ Sluggos (3-2-1)
Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 94°F/34°C
Wind: From NW shifting to from WNW, 7 MPH/11 KM
Umps: Mude & Maher

Ziggy: This will be a letdown game for the Traitors—and some revenge for the Sluggos. The Traitors have spent all week firing shots at the Nomads, forgetting all about the Sluggos. That is some serious disrespect. Ali Lejlic and Chris Hattayer are back for the Sluggos, and the Traitors will learn a lesson. Despondent over their loss to the Nomads and still seemingly unaware they're playing a double-header, the Gatorades will let one slip away...and they'll pretend not to care.

Schwa: Even though she left me alone in this house with the Evil White Cat for five days, I’m going with Mrs. Mude’s team. The Traitors will find a way to overcome the injuries and missing players to pull off the win, but it'll be a wake-up call for them.

Bling Bling (0-6) @ Sluggos (3-2-1)
Time: Noon
Temp: 97°F/36°C
Wind: From WNW, 9 MPH/14 KM
Umps: Beats

Ziggy: I can’t pick the Sluggos to beat the Traitors and not Bling Bling. Captain Yvette Martin and crew have been working 'round the clock to reload, and it’ll pay off against the Shinies.

Schwa: Dumb Ziggy. Blingbeefers are so due. It’s the upset of the season, and I’m calling it: Bling Bling gets in the win column this week. Cap'n Neal is back, they've finally got another chick, er, woman, and just about every player on the team has improved over the course of the season. [Note: The boycat's chauvinism is not endorsed by the Slogs, but it is enjoyed.]

Stars (1-6) @ Beats (1-6)
Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 100°F/38°C
Wind: From WNW shifting to from W, 11 MPH/17 KM
Umps: Eagles

Ziggy and Schwa love paisans: Greg Ambrosio, the Beats’ winter co-capo, made some threatening remarks to the guy who feeds us beef snacks. But it turns out they’re cousins. The Beats will turn it around and will win two out of their final three games.

Eagles (5-2) @ Slackers (4-2-1)
Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 102°F/39°C
Wind: From W, 12 MPH/19 KM
Umps: Nomads

Ziggy and Schwa have exercised their right to withhold comment due to a possible conflict of interest.

Now you can plan your day. (Hooray, meteorology!)

Easy Money: Vegas Fe-Lines Love Week Six

Ziggy and Schwa take a nap after making their picks.

Slackers at Bling Bling
Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 80°F/27°C
Wind: From WSW, 7 mph/11 km
Umps: Nomads

Ziggy: I'd love to see Blingity get on the plus side, but I'm betting against them.
Schwa: Where's my &^$%!&# beef, you @#^*!@* Slackers? (Maher needs a chick!)

Beats at Nomads
Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 84°F/29°C
Wind: From WSW, 9 mph/14 km
Umps: Slackers

Ziggy: I have a good feeling about the Beats, now that they've tasted victory.
Schwa: I had that feeling, too. But it's buried in litter now. Never go against the 'Mads.

Sluggos at Eagles
Time: Noon
Temp: 87°F/31°C
Wind: From WSW, 10 mph/16 km
Umps: Stars

Ziggy: If the Sluggos can field a team, they'll win. Early money is on the Eagles.
Schwa: Win it for Orrince!

Stars at Eagles
Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 89°F/32°C
Wind: From WSW, 12 mph/19 km
Umps: Traitors

Ziggy: The Stars Vandals will not avenge that humiliating defeat from Week 3.
Schwa: They would have to launch a thousand crusades to get any satisfaction after that.

Traitors at Stars
Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 90°F/32°C
Wind: From W, 13 mph/21 km
Umps: Eagles

Ziggy: Should we execute that 7afartali who vandalized the dugout, or just torture him?
Schwa: Both. And let's eat his gizzard, too.

You should listen to the winds.

Inter-Division Play Heats Up With Vegas (Fe)Lines

Ziggy (bottom, girl) and Schwa (boy) disagree a lot this week.

Culture Appreciation Game: Stars at Sluggos

Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 76/24
Wind: 10/16
Umps: Mude & Kevin

Schwa’s Pick: Nobody appreciates Arab culture like the Sluggos.
Ziggy’s Pick: …but Abu Mitchell works in Zarqa! Stars win.

Battle for Jordan: Nomads at Slackers

Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 79/26
Wind: 12/19
Umps: Sluggos

Schwa’s Pick: On Orange! On Slackers! Now give me some beef.
Ziggy’s Pick: Mmm..Swarthy Nomadic men in shorts. Win it for Jordan!

One More Miracle, and We’ll Qualify For Sainthood: Slackers at Beats

Time: Noon
Temp: 83/28
Wind: 12/19
Umps: Nomads

Schwa’s Pick: I won’t pick the Slackers again until I get my beef!
Ziggy’s Pick: No Miracles, but lots of sand. Advantage Slackers.

Someone Has To Win: Bling Bling at Beats

Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 86/30
Wind: 14/22 (Note: Always from the West, left field to right field.)
Umps: Traitors

Schwa’s Pick: Did you say Beefs? Oh, no? Beats? OK then, Beats.
Ziggy’s Pick: A tie is out of the question. Beats will romp.

Game of the Week: Eagles at Traitors

Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 87/31
Wind: 15/24
Umps: Beats

Schwa’s Pick: With those strong winds blowing in from left to right, both teams will see their power negated. This game will come down to which team’s outfielders can best judge fly balls. The Eagles have young legs patrolling their outfield, but the Traitors lawnkeepers are the best in the league. Traitors will win a close, low-scoring game.

Ziggy’s Pick: When did that purring hairball get so smart? I agree with the squeaky little boycat about the importance of outfield defense, but I think the Eagles’ speed and their ability to hit to all fields will translate to victory for the Blackshirts. It will be a close, hard-fought game, and I predict a lot of whining.

But when you talk about destruction: Eagles @ Stars

9:00 AM (81F/27C)
Umps: Slackers

Quite a war of words erupted between the two captains in the days leading to this much-anticipated game between two fired up teams.

Eagles captain and gyroball pitcher Tom Manning was in a confident mood, practically guaranteeing his team’s victory.

“We’re known as the team with all the kids, and that may give some of our opponents false hope,” said Manning, “But I have faith in our players because we all believe in our system.”

When reached for comment, Stars’ captain Pat Hillman, AKA Abu Mitchell Al-Zarqawi, all but issued a fatwa. “The blood of my enemies,” began an agitated Hillman, “shall flow like a river through the heart of the thirsty ballfield. Once quenched, the sand will shoot trees up to the heavens. And from these trees, we shall fashion wooden bats with which to score a whole lotta runs.”

“He’s all talk,” retorted Manning. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll head over to Farah Women’s Hospital right before game time and pick up their nine newest babies. Me and nine newborns, and we’ll pound the Stars.”

“Wait a minute,” shot back an incredulous Hillman. “There’s a women’s hospital in Jordan? Is that even legal?”

The Eagles and the Stars. You can’t make this stuff up.

(Actually, I just did make it up. All of it. But ignore the Fear Factor System at your own peril.)