Sleeping Stars shaken, not stirred

Abu Mitchell Al-Zarqawi’s cell was still sleeping at 9:00 AM last Friday. They probably didn’t have much of a chance anyway, as 007 himself was keeping an eye on the Stars’ captain and shortstop.

John Manning, your new 007, spies Pat Hillman.

The dapper spy employed Q’s latest gadgetry to foil his foes:

* A diabolical device that stealthily moves first base progressively farther from home plate as a Stars runner approaches.

* A leather-attracting magnetic-type thingy which draws the ball to the Eagles bats, then quickly repels it on contact, resulting in muchos hittos. (How do you say “hits” in Spanish?) Screw it, darbat iktar.

* White-hot dust made from nuclear waste that’s placed inside the hitters’ shoes, forcing the Eagles to take extra bases, even in the last inning of a blowout.

When confronted about his team’s use of technology to vanquish their rivals—and to explain what became of his pledge to start nine newborn babies against the Stars—Eagles’ captain Tom Manning shot back with a look of disbelief on his face:

“You would actually have me put white-hot nuclear waste inside a baby’s booties? What kind of a man are you?”

Abu Mitchell was last seen walking off the field, somehow still smiling. This may explain how he’s able to recruit so many people to his cause. The man oozes charisma and positivity, even when he’s grumbling about the infidels.

Ain't nothin' gonna get us down: The Stars always shine.

Will the Eagles continue on their roll, or are paybacks in their future?