Week 5 Recap: Outta Monkey References

Lama likes that all of Amman Softball League plays with Chad's balls.

Canardlys 26 Nomads 9 Before we celebrate recap Canardlys' season sweep over the Nomads, the Slogs would like to extend a warm thanks to Chad "The Imam" Bowen for finding, buying and carrying all those softballs for us to use. And now... Holy mother of a baboon's red butt, can you believe Canardlys just swept the Nomads? The first game was a narrow 7-6 win, but this game...brutal. Due to budget cuts at the Slogs, we couldn't send a correspondent to cover the game, but we hear Canardly Tamara Hawatmeh was still talking about that awesome, barehanded catch she made for an out against the JoSox a couple weeks ago. And it was awesome. In fact, it's awesomeness was only exceeded by its deliciousness. Question: Do the Canardlys, who also have Tamy "Stitch" Goudian, have the best tandem of women in the league? It's hard to argue against them. We hear that Nomad Omar Massarweh went 0-3 with two strikeouts and six errors. However, this could not be independently confirmed. What we can confirm is that Zaki Ibrahim continued his diving ways, but this time into the warm waters of Sharm El-Sheikh. Happy Anniversary to Zaki & Ghadeer. There is also a rumor floating around that Jawad Dabbas has abdicated the captaincy of the Canardlys and control of the team now rests in the hands of Maher Abu Arja. Someone please give us the scoop. As always, if either team has a recap, email it & we'll add it here. Up next week for both teams: The JoSox, who play a doubleheader. Slackers 23 Nomads 7 Some Jordan Derby. The Slogs will save the new trophy for the next game, in the hopes that it'll be something worthy of the work of art that is the new Jordan Cup. The Slackers have outscored the Nomads 61-23 in two games. Sheesh. So the Nomads were swept in their doubleheader. To be fair, they were shorthanded, having to enlist the help of some Canardlys just to round out a roster. Still, the Slackers just keep winning. That's a league-high five-game winning streak by the Slackers, if you're scoring at home. Or if you're scoring on the beach in Sharm. Or in a villa in Kursi. Some good news for the Nomads: Unlike their last three games, the Nomads will not have to suffer a penalty for missing an umping assignment. Thanks for showing up, guys. Up next week for the Slackers: The Camels. Camels 4 JoSox 28 "This is more like it." - Kevin Rowlson, JoSox "We need to practice." - Saif Barhoum, Camels Note: Type in italics is Jeff Sillin's. Regular type is mine. Today, fans at the ALLA complex witnessed the JoSox commit one of the goriest, more horrific mass Camelcides in the recorded history of the Levant. The JoSox were out for blood, revenge, pain. We managed to keep our cool on the Slogs, and even in the stands. But there was no doubt: We wanted this one, badly. The Camels were a different team this week. Apparently we thought it was against the rules to field the ball if it was below our knee caps. We will have to read the rules to confirm. The big problem was obviously our bats. There were strikeouts, popups, double plays (grr). While camels do not need much water to survive, they usually require a minimum of four at-bats per week to avoid bouts of depression. The big problem for the Camels was the JoSox defense. Those strikeouts, popups and delicious double plays didn't happen on their own. Our D made them happen; the Camels were just nice enough to play along. The Camels only got 31 at-bats in 7 innings, getting a miniscule 12 runners on base, for a .387 average -- the lowest for a Sox/Monsters opponent since winter '07. That's 1.7 baserunners per inning. You won't score runs when you trot out that 0.7 of a baserunner. For the Sox, we had 53 plate appearances in only 6 innings. 35 got on base, with 4 sac flies (all RBI). That's a .714 clip (35-49), our highest team average since hitting .811 last summer...against the Camels/Trojans in a 32-8 win. Even if we had played good defense, the JoSox were slapping line drives every which-way. I don't see how we make up 29 runs on this day. Speakin' about hitting: Zac Bonifas, Tom & John Manning, Eric Atkins and Ali Lejlic each had at least 4 hits. Add to the list our 10th hitter, Katie Domian, who went 4-5 with 3 runs and a couple RBI. Every JoSox got at least one hit and one RBI and one run scored. At least. Eric led the way with 6 RBI, while Ali scored 5 runs. For the Camels, Jeff Sillin, Aaron Bouchane and Mazen Nimri each went 2-3. Mohammad Zalatimo went 2-2 and pitched well. Guess who only got on base because he took a walk? Laith Barhoum. That's right, the plagiarist himself, the supposed Anti-Slacker and condemner-in-chief of all who draw walks. He was 0-2 before his last at-bat. He had to walk just to see what reaching base was like in this game. Nancy. (Have at him, Slackers!) With a score of 28-4, surely the JoSox had a whole mess of walks themselves. Nope. The JoSox walked exactly zero times. None. Nada. Zip. 35 for 49 and no walks. Our green hat's off to Z-Man for droppin' us some hittables. I hope that three minute speech you gave after the game while we were standing in line waiting to shake your hands was inspiring for your team, cause it sure was for me. Next game, you can expect a Haka Dance. When you lose, you have to watch the other team celebrate. Get busy winnin', or get busy watchin'.

Week 3 Preview: Party Like A Shaved Ape

9:00 Canardlys @ JoSox (Umped by 3 Slackers) Teammates in partying, foes on the field. A few hours after this game, Canardlys 1st baseman Chad "The Imam" Bowen and the JoSox #1 fan, Lama Saqr, will hold their engagement party. With members of both teams invited, there may be fallout from the game. I'm thinkin' fisticuffs. I'm thinkin' mayhem. Yes, Mr. Milkshake, there will be blood. *** 10:45 Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by 3 JoSox) The Jordan Derby. The teams are set to play three times this season, with the team that wins at least two games having the honor of taking home the brand new prize. The new "trophy" won't be revealed until there's something on the line, which will be their next game. What will be revealed, however, are the Nomads' new uniforms. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I'm telling you, we are going to have a lot of fun with this. *** 12:30 Slackers @ Camels (Umped by 3 Nomads) The Slackers are spreading rumors that the Camels will forfeit this game. We haven't seen that tactic yet, but if you're scared to play a team, like the Slackers quite obviously fear the Camels, then there is a smarter play. Convince the other team that your team won't show up. Then your opponents won't show up, and you'll come out of hiding to claim the forfeit. Is this what you signed up for, Ash? *** "I didn't get to vote" was sent to me by a couple people, so I'm extending the Bash Mude poll (upper right, in the Green). A new poll will be published on Saturday. Trash-talking may now commence. Or not. I really don't care what you degenerates do.

Week 2: Monkey Wedding Afterglow

We're not quite ready for the Jordan Cup Derby. One more week, right? UPDATE 6:15 PM: There's been a switch in the schedule. Please note! 9:00 AM JoSox @ Noobz We've got some serious new competition for "Best Shortstop" this season, as Eric Atkins showed. Y'all better take a look at the Noobz's Ramzi before it's too late. Can we get someone from the Embassy to clear the mines between home and 1st base? Will the Noobz bring their A-Team to knock off the defending champs? 10:45 AM Slackers @ AF11 Canardlys Umps: Two from Nomads, Two from Trojans SWAT Notes: The Slackers need a booster shot for innings 1-4, and AF11 Canardlys need one for innings 5-7. Nader being on the Slackers is like the Dalai Lama joining the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Maher's at-bat wiggle-dance routine is like a soldier fixing his hair before combat. Will Chad "The Imam" Bowen remember not to face Mecca while playing defense and pay attention to the ball instead? Finally, where's Ash? 12:30 PM Trojans SWAT @ Nomads Umps: Two from AF11 Canardlys, Two from JoSox Massarweh wants a Best Shortstop Opinion Poll. The Trojans SWAT's backup, George, should give him some tips. Hot Pants Rihani is the biggest fan of KISS I have ever known. We want Jeff Sillin to start writing for the Slogs. The Nomads have a few ringers on their team this season, but will they be here for the Tourney? Will the Trojans SWAT win this game, or will they win it in a rout? If your team is even one ump short for any game, then you will take an automatic three outs in your next game's first inning batting turn. (If your next game is against the Noobz, then it'll be assessed the game after that.) Leftovers: Bring cash this week. No pay, no play. Look at the new poll, courtesy of Jeff. Lewd Comment of the Week: "I vehemently but very respectfully disagree with your assessment of the play's result, sir." - Trojan SWATter George, who was ejected. Web Gem of the Week: Gotta be Eric's twisting, diving catch at short, right? Discuss. UPDATE: Rocky's stab of Rudy's hard liner to 3rd in the Sox-Slackers game is the clear front-runner so far. Player of the Week: My vote goes to Massarweh, for not playing. But y'all discuss.

I Can See Clearly Now...Sorta

Week 6 Recap. Tighty Whitey to start, more details to follow. (If you have stats, pics or something else from your game that you'd like to have included, please email it to me & I'll work it in.) The Tourney picture is finally coming into focus. Friday, August 1: 10:00 AM: Bezzig & Lezzig 7 @ 11 Slackers 11:30 AM: Nomads 13 @ 12 Slackers (Jordan Cup Final) 1:00 PM: Trojans 10 @ 12 Nomads Standings with one week left in the regular season: 1. Slackers (6-1) Status: Cannot finish below 2nd. Best Case: If they beat JoSox next week, they're the #1 Seed. Worst Case: Lose to JoSox; play JoSox for a #1/2 tiebreaker. 2. JoSox (4-2) Status: Can still finish between #1 & #4. Best Case: Beat Slackers & Trojans next week, then play tiebreaker vs Slackers for #1. Worst Case: Lose to Slackers & Trojans (+Nomads loss); play tiebreaker vs Trojans and Nomads for #2/3/4.* 3. Nomads (4-3) Status: Can finish between #2 & #4. Best Case: #2 Seed with win vs Bezzig & Lezzig + JoSox losses to Slackers & Trojans. Worst Case: Lose to Bezzig + Trojans win, play Trojans for #3/4. 4. Trojans (3-4) Status: Can finish between #2 & #4. Best Case: Beat JoSox + Nomads loss + JoSox loss to Slackers; play Nomads and JoSox for #2/3/4.* Worst Case: Lose to JoSox, #4 Seed. 5. Bezzig & Lezzig (0-7) Status: Locked in at #5 Seed. 6. The Beats Status: Just seeing if you're paying attention. Still with me? * This is the Doomsday Scenario, a three-team mini-tourney. Nomads-Trojans would play on Friday at 2:30, with the winner playing the JoSox on Saturday, followed by the loser playing JoSox right after that. Repeat until a team wins two games (that team is #2). The two other teams play again, with the winner #3 and the loser #4. I don't even want to think about this.

Week 4: Loudmouths Lose

We've talked about Karma around here before.

After one post on these Slogs elicited 80 comments (not including the deleted ones), it appeared that we Sloggers were headed down a dark, dank, dangerous tunnel (Note: Nothing to do with Madonna), the other side of which runs on trash-talking and erotic humor rather than timely hitting and solid defense.

But ultimately, this league runs on Karma.

The blabbering going on within those four-score wit-bombs was basically an ugly threesome. (Note: Imagine the mom from Throw Mama From The Train getting it on with Steve Buscemi and Kathy Bates. There, I just saved you 45 minutes of going through all those comments.) The Nomads started it, Bezzig & Lezzig replied, and the JoSox jumped in. Rinse, repeat.

Ain't no sandwich like a Buscemi sandwich.

Guess which teams lost their following games? Yup. All three teams represented in the insultathon went home losers. Some would argue that they left home losers, too, but that's not what our loved ones keep telling us. (Shame/Disclosure: Three captains were involved, myself included. Cyanide, get in my belly.)

Slackers 21, JoSox 11

Having lost nine straight games to the various teams housing this season's JoSox, the Slackers mainlined iced coffee, snorted foul line chalk, traded some insults amongst each other, put on their Orange mesh, and started hitting.

Scream Leader Walid Abu Hassan went 2-3 with 5 RBI, while Nadim Kayyali and Yazan Barghouti each hit 3-4 with 3 RBI. But the real story was the bottom of the Slackers' order: Laith Abushaar, Tania Jordan, Nada Samawi and Nader Qushair combined to go 10-11 with 10 runs scored. (The girls were a perfect 6 for 6.)

On the JoSox side, Jeff Coupe and Shukri Saleh tried to keep up, with a total of 8-8, 5 runs and 5 RBI. The score was 10-9 after three innings, but the Slack Attack outmuscled the Sox, 11-2, down the stretch.

Since their first season in the league, back in Summer '06, the Slackers have been among the elite, even though they have not won it all. Strictly a family affair, the Orange feature brothers & sisters, husbands & wives, cousins & lifelong friends. They've never recruited or accepted another team's player and always give everyone regular playing time. Ziggy & Schwa have the feeling that Karma has been watching and will soon reward the Slacker Way.

Slackers 21, Nomads 16

After dispatching the JoSox, the Slackers found themselves in the position of playing for first place. Their opponents, the Nomads, were looking to climb from 4th into a tie for 2nd place.

Things appeared to be going the Bedouins' way, as they jumped all over the Slackers to the tune of a 15-4 lead midway through the game. But these are the Nomads, who have been known to blow big leads before--often.

The Slackers remembered who they were playing and put on their patented Orange Crush, finishing the game on a 17-1 (!) tear for a 21-16 triumph, sweeping the toughest double-header any team has faced this summer and confirming that they are the team to beat this season.

Don't believe that last statement? Smoke this: Down the stretch in their two games, the Slackers outscored the JoSox and Nomads by a combined score of 28-3. Twenty-eight to three.

There's a new hammer in town, people, and it's painted Burtuqali. The Nomads, meanwhile, remained in 4th place, while the JoSox dropped to 2nd. Slackers will play Nomads for the rubber game of the Jordan Cup (August 1, will not directly count in the standings) and finish the regular season against the JoSox (August 8).

Trojans 10, Bezzig & Lezzig 9

Searching for their first win of the season, Bezzig & Lezzig found themselves in a tight game with their rivals, the Trojans, who led 3-0 after three innings.

Co-captain Maher Abu Arja took time from pounding the sand with his leg cast and opened up his copy of the ASL rules. Huh, both teams are allowed to hit. And hit they did: 9-3 Bezzig lead midway through the 5th inning.

Trojan co-captain Laith Barhoum then calmly called a timeout and, in a very civil manner, inquired of the league coordinator as to the possibility of there being even a chance that his team might be within the rules if they responded to B&L's offensive outburst. Laith? Offensive outburst? Really?

Given the green light, the Prophos put up four runs in the bottom of the 5th and shut down the Spitters in the top of the 6th inning. Just prior to their final inning turn at bat, the Trojans purchased some carousel tickets. And around they went: Walk, single, walk, single, walk. Two runs in, game tied at 9, and the bases loaded for Saif Barhoum.

Saif can bench press around 250 lbs*. He is one of only a handful of ASL players with true home run power. What's sexier than a walk-off grand slam to beat your most hated rivals? A walk, that's what. Because a walk is the smart play in that situation. And Saif is a smart guy, so he did walk in the winning run, giving his team a 10-9 win and sole possession of 3rd place in the standings.

Unfazed, Bezzig & Lezzig hocked a loogie and headed down to their official team headquarters (Captain Jawad Dabbas' farmhouse in the Jordan Valley) to celebrate. Abu Jeep and his team went all Biblical Locust Plague on anything with an alcohol content, guzzling and swimming until the wee hours of the morning. A couple of their fans joined them (Note: Brooke and I), strictly to document the happenings in a professional and unbiased manner.

*250 lbs. (about 114 kg): That is the exact weight of the woman who knocked on my door the other day, claiming to be starving and begging for my used shoes, so she can sell them to buy food. When I offered her food instead (Note: I am a shoe whore), she turned her back on me and got back in the elevator. It's not like I offered her bacon. Sheesh.

Still trying to get the Buscemi Sandwich out of your head? Good luck with that.

Rivalry Week: Kinder, Gentler

If you're not a good sport going forward, you may very well be ejected from the game. This is absolutely serious. There will be zero tolerance for arguing & shouting matches. Be civil, please. 10:00 AM JoSox @ Slackers (Umped by Nomads) Temp: 27°-29°C (81°-84°F) Winds: 13-15 km/h (8-10 mph), from West** To completely demean myself by bringing Bon Jovi into the Slogs, only the names will change. Whether it's the Green Monsters, Traitors, or JoSox, the Slackers know who their rivals are. The Green Traitor Sox have won nine of the ten games, with the Slackers managing to snag only the first meeting. Schwa Says: JoSox are living dangerously with all those fly balls. Ziggy Says: Slacker Serenity Sabotages Sox. Oh, and meow. Summer '06 July 21, 2006 (Wk 5): Slackers def. Green Monsters* July 28, 2006 (Wk 6): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Winter '07 Feb 23, 2007 (Wk 4): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Mar 9, 2007 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* def. Slackers Summer '07 June 15, 2007 (Wk 1): Traitors* def. Slackers Aug 10, 2007 (Wk 9): Traitors def. Slackers* Aug 17, 2007 (Tourney Semis): Traitors* 13, Slackers 6 Winter '08 Dec 8, 2007 (Wk 1): Green Monsters 33, Slackers* 11 Feb 9, 2008 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* 19, Slackers 15 Mar 14, 2008 (Tourney Championship): Green Monsters* 16, Slackers 7 11:30 AM Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by JoSox) Temp: 29°-31°C (84°F-88°F) Winds: 14-18 km/h (9-11 mph), from West** It seems like just yesterday that the first Jordan Cup Derby was played. This will be Version 5. The Nomads lead 3-1 all-time. The Slackers started the last meeting with only nine players, and the difference in the outcome was one ten-run inning by the Nomads. Get your aspirin ready. Schwa Says: Break a leg, Massarweh. Ziggy Says: In three places. Summer '07 Jul 13, 2007 (Wk 5): Nomads 14, Slackers* 11 Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): Nomads* 18, Slackers 15 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Slackers* 22, Nomads 21 Summer '08 June 27, 2008 (Wk 2): Nomads* 22, Slackers 13 1:00 PM Bezzig & Lezzig @ Trojans (Umped by Slackers) Temp: 32°-33°C (89°-91°F) Winds: 18-19 km/h (11-12 mph), from West** Last summer, there was a team called Bling Bling. While calling them terrible is an insult to Ivan, they did manage to win one game...by forfeit. Somehow, that one win was split into two teams last season. The Trojans are back for sloppy seconds their second season, continuing to provide safe pleasure for ASL, while last season's 4U2NV squad caught a case of the evil eye and is now known as Bezzig & Lezzig. All-time series is tied at one. Schwa Says: If Bezzig's full roster shows up, they'll be tough to beat. Ziggy Says: Jeff Sillin, Saif Barhoum, Aaron Bouchane. Yikes. Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): 4U2NV* 24, Trojans 23 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Trojans* 18, 4U2NV 12 * Home Team ** Winds from the West blow from left field toward the Clubhouse

Slackers Yell, Nomads Swell: Jordan Cup Wears Red

The Nomads won the Inaugural Jordan Cup after beating the Slackers.

Here’s the way this game went: Shukri Saleh kept driving in Omar Massarweh, the Barghoutis kept pace for the Slackers, H.R.H. Princess Iman al-Hussein’s Nomadic speed impressed the infielders, and the Orange’s improved outfield wowed everyone. And it was tied 6-6 after four innings.

While the Slackers yelled, they were outscored 8-0.

But then the Slackers started to vocally plot each other’s murders, and the Nomads jumped on the chance and scored eight unanswered runs to take a 14-6 lead. When the Slackers finally stopped yelling at one another, they managed to score five runs in the bottom of the sixth, but it was too little, too late. The First Annual Jordan Cup goes to the Nomads after their 14-11 win.

It’s still unclear whether the ‘Mads rise to the occasion or play down to their competition. Their showdown with the Traitors on the 27th and the rematch against the Eagles during the final week will answer all the questions. As for the Slackers, never have so many been in so great of a need for so much Valium.