Bian Pao: Week 7 Goes Boom

The blaring horns, ubiquitous fireworks and general euphoria that started early Saturday might have seemed like a natural reaction to the Traitors' big win over the Nomads on Friday, but we're not that big just yet. It had a little to do with Iraq's soccer team winning the Asia Cup by defeating Saudi Arabia in the final. (We have confirmed that the US National Soccer Team was standing by to rescue the Saudis from the Iraqis once again, but the refs wouldn't go for it.)

Anyway, Iraqi fans should not celebrate in such a loud manner unless the other team is executed after (or preferably, during) the game. Call me old-fashioned.

Bigger than either the Asia Cup or Traitors-Nomads were the Tawjihi Celebrations. For those unfamiliar with local customs here in Jordan, the Tawjihi Celebrations mark the time between when students stop cheating and plagiarizing in high school and the time they start cheating and plagiarizing in college. Typical displays of joy include:

-Applying firm pressure on the car horn until the battery dies.
-Being unreasonably optimistic about your financial future.
-Setting off fireworks (Note: indoors).
-Seeing which person can peck the other's cheek the most times before switching your sexual preference.
-Drinking shot after shot of Mafraq's tap water until you soil your pants.

Enough about Tawjihi and Soccer. Let's talk about the other games. You know, the ones which matter.

Alberto Asks the Stars to Say Hello to His Li'l Friend

Tooth + Mallet + Jack Daniel's = Play Ball.

Alberto Santiago returned to Slogway Park after his horrific injury, and he helped his Beats to an easy win over the Stars, who Karma continues to punish for not cleaning up their infant's dugout mess.

Alberto's stint on the disabled list consisted of the time it took him to walk out to his car after the incident last week, where he took a mallet and pounded that tooth back in its place. He then let out a grunt of satisfaction, guzzled some Jack Daniel's, cracked his neck, and returned to the field. Total time: three minutes. The Nomads were just lucky that the episode took place so late in the game. He wanted back in.

Sluggos Get Help, Spank Bling Bling

It took seven weeks, but The Greatest finally hit the Slogs.

Perhaps it was done in a drunken stupor, but Bling Bling had the Sluggos on the ropes before the game even started. Caught short-handed, the Sluggos requested to have another team's player fill in on their team. Bling said OK. Then they saw who the player was: the Beats' Javier "Gunny" Diaz. Bling thought twice. Yvette Martin promised to have Gunny bat only as a lefty. Bling said OK.

This decision was like agreeing to fight Muhammad Ali in his prime, but only if he promised to limit his punches to your face. The Sluggos rolled, and the Blingz cost themselves that precious first win.

Crowd in Awe at Silent Slackers. So Where's Willy?

The Slackers assess Willy's absence.

A handful of Eagles were off hobnobbing with Hollywood's elite, so the Slackers had a pretty easy win on Friday. This game had major implications for the tournament, because if the two second-place teams stay where they are in the standings, the Slackers would get the #3 seed, while the All-Blacks would have to settle for #4.

The Slackers were so well-behaved, even the Team Mom was flabbergasted. Apparently, they've identified the culprit in their temper tantrums as Walid "Willy" Abu Hassan, who was missing from the game. If that's how they really feel, then co-conspirator (and the guy who was let off the hook), Rocky Abushaar, should send him a big bouquet of flowers and a tall stack of Luigi's pizzas.

Traitor Nation Is Born, Quickly Rejected By Own Mother

Dennis Merdian has an ouchie. That ball is evil...and hungry.

In Jeff Coupe's last game as a Traitor, he helped his team beat the Stars and fathered "Traitor Nation." No word on who the mother is, though, as she apparently wants nothing to do with the whole ordeal. Here's Jeff and his daughter Hannah, setting things straight and saying goodbye...



Dennis Merdian, pitcher for the Stars, took a bullet off his shin, courtesy of Justin "Get Some" Hiester. Dennis is a tough man, and he wouldn't give any Traitor the satisfaction of seeing him hurt. He stayed in the game and played well. (But I have the feeling his wife had to hear a lot of whining later that night.) To his credit, Justin felt awful about the whole thing and offered to pay all of Dennis' tuition fees for grad school.

The bruise on Dennis' shin had barely turned purple before Kevin and Brooke began trading small arms fire with Omar Massarweh of the Nomads, with whom they have a breakfast date next Friday to determine which of the two teams truly rules the regular season. Ziggy and Schwa will be all over that preview. In the meantime, have at each other right here.

Blame It on the Falafel: Eagles Sweep Double-Header

Ben Roberson fled Jordan after his Falafel Coup succeeded.

Take some chickpeas, herbs and spices. Ball 'em up. Deep fry. Consume.

Then suffer the consequences.

That's what happened to several Stars and all of the Sluggos on Friday, July 20th. The two teams were scheduled to play against the Eagles in the All-Blacks' double-header, but the copious amounts of falafel which the missing players scarfed down the night before gave the hosts an easy sweep. The wins put the Eagles just a half-game behind the Division of Labor leaders, the Nomads, with three weeks to go in the regular season.

Reports are sketchy at this stage, but we have confirmed that one overzealous Sluggo went outside in the early morning hours to "air himself out," only to blast off to Uganda. Surviving him are six distraught teammates and one ringing cell phone.

Furthermore, our sources inside the Amman Stock Exchange reveal to us that one Eagle, Ben Roberson, is the silent (but deadly) majority owner of Abu Jbara Restaurants. It is no coincidence, therefore, that Eagles captain Tom Manning announced Ben's abrupt departure from Jordan. We like Ben's tactics, and we like his hair, so we'll just wish him good luck in his new life on the run.

Stars Bring The Filth, Lose to Sluggos

The Stars lost to the Sluggos last Friday. It was Orrince's last game, and it was another blowout. There's your recap. Now on to more interesting developments.

That's nice. We're all very proud of you.

That one would lay a false claim to the monarchy in this country is a discussion for some other time. Let's stick to the act itself:

Vandalizing Amman Little League Association's complex is downright disgusting. You live in this country. Please don't bring more filth into it. ALLA offers sports for kids (and now adults) at very reasonable prices. Please don't bring your filth into its grounds. Khaled, the ALLA guard, does not get paid to clean up after you. Please don't bring your filth to him.

I have a recommendation: Get that cleaned up and looking like it was never there.

For the rest of the recaps from Friday the 13th's games, clickity here.

Inter-Division Games That Were Played

Leave Your Little James Alone: It's Tessio Time!

There's only one Tessio.

Tessio from The Godfather (or maybe some other guy) grabbed all his CDs and went to Petra last weekend. He played other people's music through some speakers and a whole mess of Arabs and foreigners paid to listen. From what I hear, everyone was on in ecstasy the whole time.

Which brings us to the Nomads and Sluggos. Some Nomads decided to hang out with Abe Vigoda, while the Sluggos showed up to play softball. Sluggos won, and it wasn’t close.

Orrince and Omar Massarweh got into a heated discussion about the game, and their comments had to be deleted. The Slogs do not tolerate talk of each other’s naughty parts, especially between two men.

Stars Picked Off, Not Ticked Off

Tuck that shirt in Abu Mitchell -- the Ump's watchin'!

With my reputation as the Rules Enforcer, the highlight of the Slackers-Stars game was the Stars runner at first being "tagged out" during a courtesy runner switch. The ump hadn't quite called time yet. And the out was actually upheld. Man, that's harsh...and unprecedented. Was Karma watching?

The Slackers are now undefeated in their sexy new uniforms (and beautiful matching hats). The Traitors' Kevin is jealous. He was overheard asking the Slackers where they got those hats. This might get ugly.

For the Stars, they continue to have fun, and they must be looking forward to the re-match against Bling Bling on August 10. But at least the Taweels, Reem and Saed, can claim the SlogsCenter Highlight of the Week for the Twinklers.

Beats Close, but No Argilah

One of the Beats left his glasses behind...in disgust?

Down two runs, with two men boys on and no outs, in the bottom of the 6th inning, the Eagles' Gary Bonifas came through with...what should have been an out. But his high fly to shallow right turned into a single, then a double, then a triple...and finally, a walk-off four-bagger. So Karma was watching, after all.

Such is life in the Beats camp these days. They had battled the Eagles valiantly for what should have been their first win of the year. But it wasn't meant to be.

Here's some advice from your Uncle Mude: Do not mess with the Beats. Most of them have diplomatic immunity. That means they can kill you and, like, totally get away with it. Someone please let them win so we can all live in peace.

SlogsCenter: Reem & Saed Taweel Homer for the Stars

Reem Amireh-Taweel and Saed Taweel, her husband, went yard (sorta) in back-to-back at-bats in the bottom of the 2nd inning. Their victims were the Slackers. Yes, this is the second straight week that the Slackers have been on the wrong end of the Highlight of the Week. How do they keep doing it? Teamwork, baby. But hey, the Orange won the game, and that's all we care about.

All the SlogsCenter Highlights shall be gathered HERE

Sleeping Stars shaken, not stirred

Abu Mitchell Al-Zarqawi’s cell was still sleeping at 9:00 AM last Friday. They probably didn’t have much of a chance anyway, as 007 himself was keeping an eye on the Stars’ captain and shortstop.

John Manning, your new 007, spies Pat Hillman.

The dapper spy employed Q’s latest gadgetry to foil his foes:

* A diabolical device that stealthily moves first base progressively farther from home plate as a Stars runner approaches.

* A leather-attracting magnetic-type thingy which draws the ball to the Eagles bats, then quickly repels it on contact, resulting in muchos hittos. (How do you say “hits” in Spanish?) Screw it, darbat iktar.

* White-hot dust made from nuclear waste that’s placed inside the hitters’ shoes, forcing the Eagles to take extra bases, even in the last inning of a blowout.

When confronted about his team’s use of technology to vanquish their rivals—and to explain what became of his pledge to start nine newborn babies against the Stars—Eagles’ captain Tom Manning shot back with a look of disbelief on his face:

“You would actually have me put white-hot nuclear waste inside a baby’s booties? What kind of a man are you?”

Abu Mitchell was last seen walking off the field, somehow still smiling. This may explain how he’s able to recruit so many people to his cause. The man oozes charisma and positivity, even when he’s grumbling about the infidels.

Ain't nothin' gonna get us down: The Stars always shine.

Will the Eagles continue on their roll, or are paybacks in their future?

But when you talk about destruction: Eagles @ Stars

9:00 AM (81F/27C)
Umps: Slackers

Quite a war of words erupted between the two captains in the days leading to this much-anticipated game between two fired up teams.

Eagles captain and gyroball pitcher Tom Manning was in a confident mood, practically guaranteeing his team’s victory.

“We’re known as the team with all the kids, and that may give some of our opponents false hope,” said Manning, “But I have faith in our players because we all believe in our system.”

When reached for comment, Stars’ captain Pat Hillman, AKA Abu Mitchell Al-Zarqawi, all but issued a fatwa. “The blood of my enemies,” began an agitated Hillman, “shall flow like a river through the heart of the thirsty ballfield. Once quenched, the sand will shoot trees up to the heavens. And from these trees, we shall fashion wooden bats with which to score a whole lotta runs.”

“He’s all talk,” retorted Manning. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ll head over to Farah Women’s Hospital right before game time and pick up their nine newest babies. Me and nine newborns, and we’ll pound the Stars.”

“Wait a minute,” shot back an incredulous Hillman. “There’s a women’s hospital in Jordan? Is that even legal?”

The Eagles and the Stars. You can’t make this stuff up.

(Actually, I just did make it up. All of it. But ignore the Fear Factor System at your own peril.)

Nomads Blank Stars; Eagles Take Shine Off Bling

There were a couple of blowouts in Week 2. The Nomads had their way with the Stars, and the Eagles easily handled Bling Bling. Shukri Saleh went yard for the 'Mads, then the Eagles' Tom Manning unveiled a pitch that was so good, it may be illegal. Aside from efficient offenses for both winning teams, the Nomads and Eagles displayed the same tough defenses which dominated their Week 1 game. Blingtopia and the Stars scored less than a broke Trekkie does. The bright note, though, was the positive attitudes the Stars and Bling Bling demonstrated. The two teams joined ASL to have fun, and they didn’t let anything bring them down. Cheers for that, and a big personal thanks from me.