Week 2 Recap: Simian Honeymoon

"Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read 'Ice Cube's a pimp'." It was a good day, indeed. Mostly calm and clear with only scattered WTFs. Must have been the presence of all those ALLA emissaries. Y'all listened when you were told: Khafoo ALLA. But I have the feeling this honeymoon won't last. Your scores: Slackers 31 Canardlys 21 Highlights of the Game: Omar Nimri and Nader Qushair going a combined 10-10 and remaining perfect for the season, cruising to a win with one woman tied behind the altar. And watching Maher Abu Arja mostly dispense with his wiggle dance and finally hit the ball. Lowlight of the Game: The Slackers, who occupy the bases while on defense like an Israeli settlement on a Palestinian hilltop, complaining that the Canardlys' 1st baseman, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, was interfering with their runners...while he was going for the ball. Stat of the Game: The Canardlys are now 12-0 in postgame celebrations. Random Note: Congrats to Dana Samawi, who got married on Thursday. We hope to see your future children watching games and your husband becoming a Slacker. (I believe it's mandatory.) Camels 12 Nomads 19 Highlights: Saad's pitching performance after the 2nd inning. Iman's uncanny ability to get on base. Laura Alsenas' perpetual smile. And, holy crap, Massarweh's clutchiness. Lowlights: Zaki Ibrahim's theatrics in centerfield, diving after catching routine flyballs and even tumbling after one of his infielders would make a play. Also, watching the Camels wilt in the sun and give away a game they should have won. Stat: The Nomads are undefeated when holding the lead at the end of a game. Random Note: Pour some marinara sauce on that bat, Ramzey Nassar. All that talk and you bring al dente angel hair to the plate? Since this is my first attempt at posting from my TootAswad, I figured we should debut a new Slogs feature. You know how every half-retarded sportswriter falls back on the "Burning Questions" crutch? Well, I'm not a sportswriter, but I am nothing if not half-retarded. So, keeping it geographically and environmentally relevant, here's your first installment of... Diesel Fume Ponderings 1. It was fun seeing Omar Massarweh flop around at shortstop again. What'll it take to get him so riled up that he graces the Slogs with his rants again? 2. Good to see teams paying more attention to the development of their female players. Any guy can learn this game, but a sex change is a big hassle. (Note: There's word from someone in a high position that next season will require three women per team, on defense and in the batting order. "Recruit & Develop" or "Hormones & Surgery"... the choice is yours.) 3. This season's Camels feature a smooth Jordanian-American blend. Wait. How the hell am I supposed to stop smoking? Can someone change their team name to Lung Cancer already? 4. Bilal ibn Rabah became the first muezzin because he had a beautiful voice. Seriously, have you been to Mecca Mall lately? Is that azzan, or a hyena that swallowed a French horn? I'm ashamed and offended. And my ears hurt. 5. Ash Samawi went home to the Slackers after three seasons of whoring around with the Traitors, Green Monsters & JoSox. That's what happens when you're done sowing your wild oats. You settle down with family. It's Viagra and backgammon from now on, Smash. 6. The Ministry of Health requires every restaurant and cafe in Jordan to play "Careless Whisper" and "Hotel California" on a loop. This is a fact. Look it up. 7. Last season's Bezzig & Lezzig were forced to change their name from AF11 to the Canardlys because the women on their team objected to the profanity. Meet Tamy Goudian & Tamara Hawatmeh, AKA The Bin Laden Girls. (No, I won't tell you what AF11 stands for.) 8. The JoSox had the week off, and even though he was out of the country, pitcher Kevin Rowlson still walked six batters. OK, here's another one: In Iraq this week, insurgents always stood exactly 48 feet away from Kevin Rowlson, because even they know he's the American who grants easy access to bases. One more? Kevin Rowlson was a popular guy at Baghdad's nightclubs...something, something...free passes...you get the point. 9. Happy Birthday to Schwa, the Slogs' official boycat, who turns three years old today. He was gracious enough to invite Ziggy to the party. Lewd Comment of the Week: "Who let the f&#$%in' press in our dugout?" - Jeff Sillin MVP of the Week: Khaled, the guard at the ALLA Complex, for giving me the chance to do some screamin'. (UPDATE: Just saw the results of the poll so far. You guys are killin' me.) Web Gem of the Week: Really? 83 runs in two games and you want a web gem?

It's On

Important Announcement From Ziggy & Schwa: The Tourney ends with the Championship Game (2:15 PM) this Friday, August 15. But the All-Star Game will be played the following day at 11:00 AM. We’re contacting players and captains today & tomorrow, but you have to be patient with us. Dialing a phone is kinda hard for us, because we’re cats and have no thumbs. In the meantime, please enjoy our cartoons making fun of Mude, and read the XL edition of the Summer 2008 Tournament Preview.

Ziggy & Schwa, Mude 8/14/2008

But seriously. Read the rules. This is neither the majors nor little league. Pitching, baserunning, substitutions and interference calls are all considerably different, and there are many incorrect assumptions about all of them. Don't get burned. If you know the rules by which we play, you'll have an edge in the Tournament. Here's some more epic posting...

ASL Summer 2008 Tournament Preview PLAY-IN GAME #5 Bezzig & Lezzig (0-8) @ #4 Trojans (3-5) Time: 9:15 AM Conditions: 76 F, WSW 8 MPH Umpires: 1 Slacker + 2 Nomads Kevin’s Take: B&L: This team just doesn't seem to put it all together for the whole game. I have seen them play just a couple times, and they seem to do ok for 2-3 innings and then the flood gates open. Keys to success: Cut down the errors, pitchers need to throw strikes, and of course scoring a lot of runs wouldn't hurt. Trojans: Probably the most dangerous team in the tournament. Everyone expects the JoSox, Slackers, and Nomads to be there but the Men in Black may surprise a few people. Keys to success: Pitching, fielding, and not letting other teams take extra bases on throws all over the field. Massarweh’s Take: B&L: Can't field. Can't hit. But love to play the game. I envy them. Trojans: Take out Aaron Bouchane, Saif Barhoum and Jeff Sillin’s bats, and the Trojans got nothing. Laith Barhoum does make a play, though, every once in a while. Their selectivity on swinging at pitches like women will get them nowhere. Ziggy Says: Massarweh is a chauvinist goat. He compares the Trojans’ selective swinging to feminine behavior, as if women can’t play, but his own team would be no better than 2-6 without their women. And he forgets about Ben Barrows, Tarek Jallad, Laura Alsenas and Mohamed Zalatimo (who is only one of the best pitchers in the league). Prediction: Bezzig will have a great party, regardless of the result. Schwa Says: With a full roster, the Trojans will make noise in this Tourney. The key to the Trojans going far in the playoffs will be their outfield defense and shortstop play, in addition to selecting the right batting order. Prediction: Trojans march on. SEMIS 1 #3 Nomads (5-3) @ #2 Slackers (6-2) Time: 10:45 AM Conditions: 81 F, WSW 9 MPH Umpires: 1 JoSox + 1 Bezzig + 1 Trojan Kevin’s Take: Nomads are the most trash-talking squad in the tournament, and they can never back it. I am sure they will come in brash and cocky after thrashing the JoSox 3 weeks ago but what's done is done. Keys to success: Hitting. Missing two of the better hitters in their lineup, the rest will have to produce. If not, fire up the grill. Slackers, as always, are strictly offensive. Defense is just a place to stand until it's their turn to bat. They were missing a couple of their best hitters in the tiebreaker game, one of which is their top outfielder, Nader Qushair. With Willy gone for the Tourney, it might be a silent Slacker team--unless Rocky Abushaar rejoins the team. Massarweh’s Take: Nomads truly are the most trash-talking team in the Tournament who can’t back it up. More than often than not, they fail to keep a huge lead, and break down in one inning and can’t bounce back. Their players try to do things they simply cannot do. Keys to success: Focus, hit and be mentally tough day in, day out. The skill is there. The mental power to get it done is lacking. Slackers are an offensive superpower, but a defensive dwarf. All you need to do to beat this team is to hit it hard and on the ground. The rest will happen easily. Schwa Says: Don’t you love it when people spout off without having all the facts? Kevin & Massarweh both ripped on the Orange D, but the Slackers were the second-best defensive team in the league this season. They allowed fewer runs per game than the Nomads, and only 5 more all season than the JoSox. On offense, they also finished 2nd to the JoSox, but ahead of the Nomads. Slackers get some key players back, including Nader, Rocky and Yazan Barghouti. The Orange will triumph in this game, and it’s not going to be as close as some may think (or hope) it would be. Ziggy Says: The Slackers are an absolute force. Like my Pops, Mude, has said before, the Orange Way is to keep it in the family and throw everything they have at their opponents. Their ability to score is obvious and their defense is underrated. That sounds like a dangerous combo to me. And the two missing Nomads make it a tough climb for the Sandwalkers. Prediction: Slackers win. SEMIS 2 Winner of #5/#4 @ #1 JoSox (6-2) Time: 12:15 PM Conditions: 84 F, WSW 10 MPH Umpires: 1 From Loser of #3/#2 + 2 From Loser of #5/#4 Kevin’s Take: JoSox: This team doesn't rebuild; it reloads. They seem to have shored up the defensive issues from earlier in the season, and the hitting appears to be peaking. By far the best OF and SS in the league, hands down. Keys to success: Focus. Massarweh’s Take: Most organized and focused team in the Tournament, but by far the most BORING team with no motivation whatsoever (except Kevin). When they reload, they reload, but somehow they manage to reload with players nobody wants. There is no continuity from season to season, which, in my opinion, is the reason behind their lethargic game face. Best SS? I have never seen him play, so I cannot answer. We all know who the best SS in this league is, don’t we, Nomads? (Mude: Why not have a vote, like you did with the Leach [sic]? That would be much more entertaining than Kevin’s hezz danab.) Schwa Says: I’m the Boycat, and I also have a mancrush on Doug “Hoover” Van Zandt. He has been playing shortstop in ASL for four-plus seasons, yet Omar Massarweh claims to have never seen him play. Maybe if CHOKEmar MassERRORweh stepped back from his full-length mirror once in a while, he’d actually catch a glimpse of the other players in this league. Ziggy Says: Easy on Omar, little Schwa. The man’s about to get engaged! About the game: If the JoSox take this game seriously, they’ll march on to the championship game, where the Slackers will be waiting for them. If they goof off and give away outs on defense and on the basepaths, then we’re in for the biggest shocker in our history—bigger than when the Trojans crushed the Nomads last Tourney. Prediction: JoSox remain focused, win the game and bring me meat-filled treats. CHAMPIONSHIP GAME Time: 2:15 PM Conditions: 89 F, WSW-W 10 MPH Umpires: 1 from each of the 3 eliminated teams Preview/Prediction: God only knows, right?

***

Rivalry Week: Kinder, Gentler

If you're not a good sport going forward, you may very well be ejected from the game. This is absolutely serious. There will be zero tolerance for arguing & shouting matches. Be civil, please. 10:00 AM JoSox @ Slackers (Umped by Nomads) Temp: 27°-29°C (81°-84°F) Winds: 13-15 km/h (8-10 mph), from West** To completely demean myself by bringing Bon Jovi into the Slogs, only the names will change. Whether it's the Green Monsters, Traitors, or JoSox, the Slackers know who their rivals are. The Green Traitor Sox have won nine of the ten games, with the Slackers managing to snag only the first meeting. Schwa Says: JoSox are living dangerously with all those fly balls. Ziggy Says: Slacker Serenity Sabotages Sox. Oh, and meow. Summer '06 July 21, 2006 (Wk 5): Slackers def. Green Monsters* July 28, 2006 (Wk 6): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Winter '07 Feb 23, 2007 (Wk 4): Green Monsters def. Slackers* Mar 9, 2007 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* def. Slackers Summer '07 June 15, 2007 (Wk 1): Traitors* def. Slackers Aug 10, 2007 (Wk 9): Traitors def. Slackers* Aug 17, 2007 (Tourney Semis): Traitors* 13, Slackers 6 Winter '08 Dec 8, 2007 (Wk 1): Green Monsters 33, Slackers* 11 Feb 9, 2008 (Wk 6): Green Monsters* 19, Slackers 15 Mar 14, 2008 (Tourney Championship): Green Monsters* 16, Slackers 7 11:30 AM Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by JoSox) Temp: 29°-31°C (84°F-88°F) Winds: 14-18 km/h (9-11 mph), from West** It seems like just yesterday that the first Jordan Cup Derby was played. This will be Version 5. The Nomads lead 3-1 all-time. The Slackers started the last meeting with only nine players, and the difference in the outcome was one ten-run inning by the Nomads. Get your aspirin ready. Schwa Says: Break a leg, Massarweh. Ziggy Says: In three places. Summer '07 Jul 13, 2007 (Wk 5): Nomads 14, Slackers* 11 Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): Nomads* 18, Slackers 15 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Slackers* 22, Nomads 21 Summer '08 June 27, 2008 (Wk 2): Nomads* 22, Slackers 13 1:00 PM Bezzig & Lezzig @ Trojans (Umped by Slackers) Temp: 32°-33°C (89°-91°F) Winds: 18-19 km/h (11-12 mph), from West** Last summer, there was a team called Bling Bling. While calling them terrible is an insult to Ivan, they did manage to win one game...by forfeit. Somehow, that one win was split into two teams last season. The Trojans are back for sloppy seconds their second season, continuing to provide safe pleasure for ASL, while last season's 4U2NV squad caught a case of the evil eye and is now known as Bezzig & Lezzig. All-time series is tied at one. Schwa Says: If Bezzig's full roster shows up, they'll be tough to beat. Ziggy Says: Jeff Sillin, Saif Barhoum, Aaron Bouchane. Yikes. Winter '08 Dec 15, 2007 (Wk 2): 4U2NV* 24, Trojans 23 Mar 7, 2008 (Wk 10): Trojans* 18, 4U2NV 12 * Home Team ** Winds from the West blow from left field toward the Clubhouse

Summer '08: Week One Results

Games of Friday, June 20, 2008 Rock Sorters JoSox 19 Bezzig & Lezzig* 5 Bezzig & Lezzing are still, um, cohering, so the Rock Sorters (Note: Temporary name) feel fortunate to come out with a win. Ziggy & Schwa agree that B & L's best days are ahead of them. Sorters' Kevin woke up before 10 AM in Michigan to find out the result. See, to be a Rock Sorter, you have to be dedicated...to sorting rocks. Trojans 12 Nomads 11 The Trojans continue their dominance over the Nomads, making it two straight over the No-Shuks, going back to last season's playoffs. The Nomads stuck an "IV" at the end of their name, because, well, they are a dynasty. But after this game, they just needed an IV to replenish all those lost fluids. The Trojans appear to have climbed to the elite level of ASL's teams. Slackers 20 Trojans 12 The Slackers didn't yell. Were they missing a player? Seriously, is Wally Abu Hassan even in the country? Is Rocky Abushaar in some Zen meditation program? The Trojans chipped away at the Slackers' first-inning, 10-run barrage, but the Mighty Orange held the Prophos off for the win. The Slackers offense is as potent as ever, and their defense is getting solid. *** It's early, but you cannot keep the cats quiet. Here are Ziggy & Schwa's thoughts on who has a chance at winning it all this season: Slackers: 2-1 Trojans: 3-1 Rock Sorters JoSox: 7-2 Nomads: 8-1 Bezzig & Lezzig: 9-1 *Bezzig means "spit" (verb) & Lezzig means "stick (as in to paste)" (verb). This is basically the Arabic phrase for "jury-rig."

Tourney Preview

This is all you're going to get...

Shbotmahlorbot: Weeks 5 & 6 Preview

Before the previews, please heed this bit of advice: Stop cursing, yelling and arguing. It's been getting progressively worse, and I will personally take the blame for that. But from now on, the response from the League will be just as ugly as the acts of bad sportsmanship. -Mude It's time for some separation. After this weekend, each team will have played the other five teams at least once. All ties will be broken. And with two games each, now is the time to set the tone for the home stretch of the season. Who rules ASL?

If you want the full schedule, constantly updated to match the weather, go to the Downloadables section, below the Standings in the green column.

Friday, Feb. 8: 10:00 AM: 4U2NV @ Nomads (Umps: Trojans) The Nomads got a lot younger lately. Will they bring coloring books and crayons to keep their new members occupied? Envy look to avenge the loss they suffered the last time they went up against the 'Mads, but they'll have to do it without Jiries Azar, who starts a three-game suspension for starting a fight. Last meeting: Nomads 30, 4U2NV 2 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: The Youth prevail. Nomads by 6. 11:30 AM: Nomads @ Trojans (Umps: Hit Squad) The Trojans look to start a winning streak with some new players. If that happens, we're hearing rumblings that Nomads captain Omar Massarweh will have the "C" ripped off his chest by Zaki "Crank Yanker" Ibrahim, who pulled a first when he argued against a called strike by citing the very rule that made it a strike. Ziggy & Schwa say: What does that "C" stand for, Rofelio? Trojans by 1. 1:00 PM: Trojans @ Hit Squad (Umps: Nomads) A tough double-header for the kids from Troy, but we hear they have some "builders" coming in. Could the Trojan Horse's historical role get reversed and help them win? It all depends on which Hit Squad shows up -- the Hittin' one or the Sittin' one. Last meeting: Hit Squad 19, Trojans 14 (7 innings, Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: We smell an upset. Trojans by 2. Saturday, Feb. 9: 10:00 AM: Hit Squad @ Slackers (Umps: Green Monsters) Hit Squad is coming off a stirring comeback against the Nomads, while the Slackers just had home run hitter Yazan Barghouti suspended for one game for swinging his handbag at a player who who threw three punches from 40 centimeters away and didn't land any. Before you think there might be misbehavin' in this game, look who's umping. Ziggy & Schwa say: Curse once and we'll snack on your entrails. Hit Squad by 3. 11:30 AM: Slackers @ Green Monsters (Umps: 4U2NV) A couple of teams fancy themselves the rivals of the Green Monsters, but there is no more heated derby than when the Green & Orange collide. Just ask Northern Ireland. Or Ash Samawi, who goes up against friends and family with "Ex-Slacker" across the back of his Monsters jersey. Even Ash's lovely wife, fellow ex-Slacker and current Monster Abeer Kayali, still hates the Green so much, she hasn't even shown up for a game yet. Fact: The last team (still playing) to have beaten the Monsters? Slackers, back in July, 2006. Last meeting: Green Monsters 33, Slackers 11 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: Over/Under on Walid Abu Hassan + Rocky Abu Shaar outbursts: 2. 1:00 PM: Green Monsters @ 4U2NV (Umps: Slackers) Research just in has confirmed that 4U2NV is the first ASL team to have a fancy design in the fabric of their team jerseys. I'm not saying it makes them look soft. I'm saying I envy it. Harar Mismar talked some smack about his Envy team taking the Monsters to the wood shed. Let's hope he and Hussam Arafah say some extra prayers this week. Ziggy & Schwa say: Dirty Water, baby. Green Monsters by 6.

Week 4 Preview: Is That A Toe?

Khaled Rihani's injured big toe. (VOTE in the upper right of this page!)

In case you haven't heard, we're on for tomorrow's games.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Game 1 - 10:00 AM:
Nomads @ Hit Squad
(Umped by 2 Green Monsters)

The Nomads are coming off a tough loss, while Hit Squad are coming off a...long weekend. Playing without Shukri Saleh and Saad Kurdi, the Nomads will try to get back on track against a well-rested Hit Squad who will bring the power of their new uniforms and the return of captains Chris Hattayer and Mark McPherson.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: Assassins are sexy. Hit Squad by 3.

Game 2 - 11:30 AM:
Trojans @ Green Monsters
(Umped by 2 Slackers)

Both teams have been living dangerously this season, with the Monsters having similar games as the Trojans, but better results. The Greenies have won their last two games by one run each, but the Trojans have lost all three of their games in extra innings. Trojan Maher Abu Arja took it especially hard, so he will have to summon the memory of his favorite romantic lead male character to help his team.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: Who feeds us? Monsters by 4.

Game 3 - 1:30 PM:
4U2NV @ Slackers
(Umped by 2 Trojans)

The regression of the Slackers worries the Slogs. The perennial contenders have fallen on hard times lately, but a gutsy 7-inning win against the Trojans last week might be the boost they've been looking for. 4U2NV are the Cinderella team of the season so far, and new member Joe Roos brings experience and strategy to ASL's NewKids.

Ziggy & Schwa's Official Line: We love 4U2NV (but)...Slackers by 6.

Week 3 Preview: Playing Nice With Our Hosts

WEEK 3, V1.2 - FRIDAY, JANUARY 18th: 11:30 AM: 4U2NV @ Hit Squad (Umps: 2 from Green Monsters) 1:00 PM: Nomads @ Green Monsters (Umps: 2 from Hit Squad) 2:30 PM: Slackers @ Trojans (Umps: 1 Nomad + 1 Green Monster) The slight change to the schedule is due to Little League needing the fields this Friday morning for soccer tournament team tryouts. (I found out about an hour before posting this, but we have a nice relationship with ALLA, so no biggie.) We simply moved the first game to the afternoon, so only two teams are affected. Let's hope Massarweh doesn't imagine a conspiracy theory here...although there probably is one. I'll add some of Ziggy and Schwa's musings on each game a little later. They're still gathering their thoughts.

We need to talk about where this relationship is headed

Ziggy crunches the numbers and Schwa passes on the catculations.

Ziggy and Schwa are taking a week off from prognosticating, as they did not fare so well last time (4 for 8). Their owner, your humble Slogger-in-Chief, isn't a genius, either. But I did correctly predict that the Cubs would catch the Brewers in the second half of the MLB season.*

Let's talk Tourney. This is in the Rules, but here it goes:

Tournament seeding will be based on how a team finishes in its own division, plus how they did against the other division’s “mirror” team. The two division winners “share” the top two seeds. That tie (regardless of overall records) is broken by the result of the one inter-division game between those teams, with the winner getting the higher seed. The two second-place teams share the 3-4 seeds, third place teams share 5-6, and last-place teams share 7-8.

In a nutshell: Traitors are tops. Beats are #7. Bling Bling & Stars will fight for #6 & #8. Nomads & Eagles can finish between #2 & #4. Slackers & Sluggos can finish anywhere from #3 to #5.

Details (Records indicate overall, division, inter-division):

Long Division:

Traitors (8-0, 4-0, 4-0): Clinched the Long Division title and the top seed in the tourney. Will play either Bling Bling or Stars in the first round of the Tournament.

Slackers (5-2-1, 2-1-1, 3-1) & Sluggos (4-3-1, 1-2-1, 3-1): Fighting for second place in the Long Division. Their first game against each other ended in a tie. They play again this Friday (August 3), which will basically settle matters. Slackers hold the edge over the Eagles, but not the Nomads. Sluggos hold the edge over the Nomads, but not the Eagles.

Beats (2-6, 0-4, 2-2): Cannot finish above 4th in Long. Clinched #7 seed with wins over both Bling Bling and Stars. Will play the winner of the Division of Labor in the first round.

Division of Labor:

Nomads (5-2, 3-0, 2-2) & Eagles (5-3, 3-1, 2-2): Locked in a battle for Labor title. Nomads beat the Eagles in their first game, and the second match is on August 10. Division winner is the Tourney’s #2 seed. For the #3 seed, Nomads have the edge over the Slackers, but not the Sluggos. The Eagles have the edge over the Sluggos, but not the Slackers.

Stars (1-7, 1-3, 0-4) & Bling Bling (0-7, 0-3, 0-4): Neither team can finish above 3rd in their division. One will be the #8 seed, and the other the #6 seed, because both teams lost all four inter-division games. Stars won the early game against Bling, but they meet again on Aug 10. If neither teams wins before that final game, and Bling beats the Stars, the teams will have identical records. The result of that last game will break the tie (since it's being played on the last day). This will eliminate an additional tiebreaker game.

The Tournament will be held on August 17, beginning at 9:00 AM sharp. There will be no warm-ups on the big field prior to the games and no infield warm-ups between innings. (Please use the small field.) The rest of the regular season game format will be used: 1-1 counts, 6 innings, 10-run limits per inning (except last two innings), etc. The new schedule is available here, or you may download it from the link at the bottom of the green sidebar (right side of Slogs).

THIS WEEK'S GAMES:

It'll be significantly cooler for Week 8's games, so please be sure to dress in lots of warm layers. The Slogs recommends three pairs of socks and long underwear. And ear muffs.

9:00 AM: Slackers @ Sluggos (Umps: Traitors)
10:30 AM: Traitors @ Beats (Umps: Stars)
12:00 PM: Stars @ Nomads (Umps: Beats)
1:30 PM: Bling Bling @ Nomads (Umps: Eagles)
3:00 PM: Eagles @ Bling Bling (Umps: Nomads)

*At the All-Star Break, the Cubs were 5 games behind the Brewers, but they've erased that deficit in less than three weeks and now lead the NL Central on percentage points.

The Biggest Game of the Year...So Far

BREAKING NEWS:

Alberto Santiago will be back tomorrow...playing!

Ziggy and Schwa grew close over the past week.

It’s late, I know. I was out of town. Also, Ziggy and Schwa were upset about it, and it’s hard to write one of these previews without creatures who actually know the game. Also, I’m lazy.

It's going to be the hottest gameday of the season. If you're reading this, thank you for dropping in and being a loyal Slogger. Your reward is this urgent plea to hydrate all day long. If you're not reading this, then you won't know that I don't care if you drink water or not. Here's what the kittens have to say about Week 7 at Slogway Park...

Nomads (5-1) @ Traitors (6-0)
Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 90°F/32°C
Wind: From NW, 7 MPH/11 KM
Umps: Mude & Yvette

Ziggy and Schwa agree: The Traitors’ depleted lineup and age will finally catch up to them. (Remember, these are the cats' words, not mine. But I happen to agree.) The only question in the minds of the Vegas Felines is whether or not Shukri can hit one out, despite winds which will be blowing straight in from center. First the Nomads will rattle the Traitors, then they’ll beat them. Nomads by 6 runs.

Traitors (6-0) @ Sluggos (3-2-1)
Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 94°F/34°C
Wind: From NW shifting to from WNW, 7 MPH/11 KM
Umps: Mude & Maher

Ziggy: This will be a letdown game for the Traitors—and some revenge for the Sluggos. The Traitors have spent all week firing shots at the Nomads, forgetting all about the Sluggos. That is some serious disrespect. Ali Lejlic and Chris Hattayer are back for the Sluggos, and the Traitors will learn a lesson. Despondent over their loss to the Nomads and still seemingly unaware they're playing a double-header, the Gatorades will let one slip away...and they'll pretend not to care.

Schwa: Even though she left me alone in this house with the Evil White Cat for five days, I’m going with Mrs. Mude’s team. The Traitors will find a way to overcome the injuries and missing players to pull off the win, but it'll be a wake-up call for them.

Bling Bling (0-6) @ Sluggos (3-2-1)
Time: Noon
Temp: 97°F/36°C
Wind: From WNW, 9 MPH/14 KM
Umps: Beats

Ziggy: I can’t pick the Sluggos to beat the Traitors and not Bling Bling. Captain Yvette Martin and crew have been working 'round the clock to reload, and it’ll pay off against the Shinies.

Schwa: Dumb Ziggy. Blingbeefers are so due. It’s the upset of the season, and I’m calling it: Bling Bling gets in the win column this week. Cap'n Neal is back, they've finally got another chick, er, woman, and just about every player on the team has improved over the course of the season. [Note: The boycat's chauvinism is not endorsed by the Slogs, but it is enjoyed.]

Stars (1-6) @ Beats (1-6)
Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 100°F/38°C
Wind: From WNW shifting to from W, 11 MPH/17 KM
Umps: Eagles

Ziggy and Schwa love paisans: Greg Ambrosio, the Beats’ winter co-capo, made some threatening remarks to the guy who feeds us beef snacks. But it turns out they’re cousins. The Beats will turn it around and will win two out of their final three games.

Eagles (5-2) @ Slackers (4-2-1)
Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 102°F/39°C
Wind: From W, 12 MPH/19 KM
Umps: Nomads

Ziggy and Schwa have exercised their right to withhold comment due to a possible conflict of interest.

Now you can plan your day. (Hooray, meteorology!)

Easy Money: Vegas Fe-Lines Love Week Six

Ziggy and Schwa take a nap after making their picks.

Slackers at Bling Bling
Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 80°F/27°C
Wind: From WSW, 7 mph/11 km
Umps: Nomads

Ziggy: I'd love to see Blingity get on the plus side, but I'm betting against them.
Schwa: Where's my &^$%!&# beef, you @#^*!@* Slackers? (Maher needs a chick!)

Beats at Nomads
Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 84°F/29°C
Wind: From WSW, 9 mph/14 km
Umps: Slackers

Ziggy: I have a good feeling about the Beats, now that they've tasted victory.
Schwa: I had that feeling, too. But it's buried in litter now. Never go against the 'Mads.

Sluggos at Eagles
Time: Noon
Temp: 87°F/31°C
Wind: From WSW, 10 mph/16 km
Umps: Stars

Ziggy: If the Sluggos can field a team, they'll win. Early money is on the Eagles.
Schwa: Win it for Orrince!

Stars at Eagles
Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 89°F/32°C
Wind: From WSW, 12 mph/19 km
Umps: Traitors

Ziggy: The Stars Vandals will not avenge that humiliating defeat from Week 3.
Schwa: They would have to launch a thousand crusades to get any satisfaction after that.

Traitors at Stars
Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 90°F/32°C
Wind: From W, 13 mph/21 km
Umps: Eagles

Ziggy: Should we execute that 7afartali who vandalized the dugout, or just torture him?
Schwa: Both. And let's eat his gizzard, too.

You should listen to the winds.

The Traitors: Lonely At The Top

"I'm smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb. I'm smart and I want respect!" -Fredo Corelone, The Godfather: Part II "...or I'll tear his arms off." -Jeff Coupe, Traitors Shortstop, July 13, 2007 The Traitors rose up to a major challenge and established themselves as the team to beat this season. Schwa the Boycat predicted a tight, low-scoring game with lots of fly balls becoming martyrs in the stiff breeze. He was correct. Justin Hiester, Jeff Coupe and Ash Samawi each scored twice for the Gatorades, and Brooke Sartawi chipped in another. On the Eagles side, Tom Manning and Andrea Brusseau crossed the plate in the 7-2 Traitors win. Here are a couple of highlights, including a hello to New Zealand from the Eagles' Matthew Perry...and a worm-burnin' round trip by the Traitors' Justin Hiester. BREAKING NEWS: You can tell which Traitors are new to winning by looking in the comments section of this post. Some just are not satisfied with having a stacked team and simply being undefeated. They want everyone to worship them, too. Why not? There will be a Traitors Worship Service held at 8:30 AM every Friday, as long as they are on top. After entering the clubhouse, take the hallway on your right, then enter through the second door on your right. (You can "drop off" your donation there at any time.)

Inter-Division Play Heats Up With Vegas (Fe)Lines

Ziggy (bottom, girl) and Schwa (boy) disagree a lot this week.

Culture Appreciation Game: Stars at Sluggos

Time: 9:00 AM
Temp: 76/24
Wind: 10/16
Umps: Mude & Kevin

Schwa’s Pick: Nobody appreciates Arab culture like the Sluggos.
Ziggy’s Pick: …but Abu Mitchell works in Zarqa! Stars win.

Battle for Jordan: Nomads at Slackers

Time: 10:30 AM
Temp: 79/26
Wind: 12/19
Umps: Sluggos

Schwa’s Pick: On Orange! On Slackers! Now give me some beef.
Ziggy’s Pick: Mmm..Swarthy Nomadic men in shorts. Win it for Jordan!

One More Miracle, and We’ll Qualify For Sainthood: Slackers at Beats

Time: Noon
Temp: 83/28
Wind: 12/19
Umps: Nomads

Schwa’s Pick: I won’t pick the Slackers again until I get my beef!
Ziggy’s Pick: No Miracles, but lots of sand. Advantage Slackers.

Someone Has To Win: Bling Bling at Beats

Time: 1:30 PM
Temp: 86/30
Wind: 14/22 (Note: Always from the West, left field to right field.)
Umps: Traitors

Schwa’s Pick: Did you say Beefs? Oh, no? Beats? OK then, Beats.
Ziggy’s Pick: A tie is out of the question. Beats will romp.

Game of the Week: Eagles at Traitors

Time: 3:00 PM
Temp: 87/31
Wind: 15/24
Umps: Beats

Schwa’s Pick: With those strong winds blowing in from left to right, both teams will see their power negated. This game will come down to which team’s outfielders can best judge fly balls. The Eagles have young legs patrolling their outfield, but the Traitors lawnkeepers are the best in the league. Traitors will win a close, low-scoring game.

Ziggy’s Pick: When did that purring hairball get so smart? I agree with the squeaky little boycat about the importance of outfield defense, but I think the Eagles’ speed and their ability to hit to all fields will translate to victory for the Blackshirts. It will be a close, hard-fought game, and I predict a lot of whining.

I’ve got blisters on my fingers: Nomads @ Bling Bling

1:30 PM (90F/32C)
Umps: Traitors

Now that my calluses have disintegrated into my keyboard, we get to the final game of the day. Nomads’ captain Omar Massarweh remained strong and silent about the game, while Neal Zureikat was cordial and sportsmanlike on behalf of his Bling.

Yawn.

At least we have the unveiling of Schwa & Ziggy's picks, exclusively for this game:


Ziggy's Pick: Bling Bling

"Ooh, Bling. I can has shiny stuff, pls?"






Schwa's Pick: Nomads

"They're all red. Are they meat? Can I snack on them?"





Aside from the excitement of our cats' picks, there was some breakin' news involving the Nomads that needed fixin' right quick.

When Traitor Kevin Rowlson, the George Steinbrenner of Amman Softball League, expressed interest in acquiring the services of his former teammate, perennial basher and current Nomad Shukri Saleh, the League had to get to the bottom of these nefarious trickerations.

“I shot that birdie down,” replied Omar Massarweh within seconds. “My #10 is staying put.”

Kevin was too busy backpedaling to the shores of his Evil Emirate to comment. He was last seen trying to steal insulin from diabetics so he could trade it in for this darling orange bracelet that would just totally go with his outfit—er, uniform.

NEWS FLASH: We hear from reliable sources that Kevin is asking female members of his team how long they think it would take for his hair to grow out enough for him to wear a scrunchy on the field. UPDATE: We have been able to confirm that the scrunchy in question is more of a “bow thingy,” and that it is, in fact, orange:

And that’s what you get for trying to steal other teams’ players.

On a happy note for the Bling-It-Ons (Oh, it’s been bloughten), they have been bailed out of umpiring duties. Replied an ecstatic Neal, “[We] appreciate not having to ump. We took a lot of heat last game, literally.”

I hadn’t noticed, but then again, I never do.