Sleeping Stars shaken, not stirred

Abu Mitchell Al-Zarqawi’s cell was still sleeping at 9:00 AM last Friday. They probably didn’t have much of a chance anyway, as 007 himself was keeping an eye on the Stars’ captain and shortstop.

John Manning, your new 007, spies Pat Hillman.

The dapper spy employed Q’s latest gadgetry to foil his foes:

* A diabolical device that stealthily moves first base progressively farther from home plate as a Stars runner approaches.

* A leather-attracting magnetic-type thingy which draws the ball to the Eagles bats, then quickly repels it on contact, resulting in muchos hittos. (How do you say “hits” in Spanish?) Screw it, darbat iktar.

* White-hot dust made from nuclear waste that’s placed inside the hitters’ shoes, forcing the Eagles to take extra bases, even in the last inning of a blowout.

When confronted about his team’s use of technology to vanquish their rivals—and to explain what became of his pledge to start nine newborn babies against the Stars—Eagles’ captain Tom Manning shot back with a look of disbelief on his face:

“You would actually have me put white-hot nuclear waste inside a baby’s booties? What kind of a man are you?”

Abu Mitchell was last seen walking off the field, somehow still smiling. This may explain how he’s able to recruit so many people to his cause. The man oozes charisma and positivity, even when he’s grumbling about the infidels.

Ain't nothin' gonna get us down: The Stars always shine.

Will the Eagles continue on their roll, or are paybacks in their future?

Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak.

Revenge!
- K-k-k-Ken

Beat the beats, the beats you beat
The only thing harder's the smell of my feet
- “I’m The Man” by Anthrax

Revenge is a dish best served after it simmers for 119 days.

Everything went the Slackers’ way on Friday, as they avenged last season’s collapse against the Beats. As promised, they didn’t kill themselves by issuing walks and didn’t kill each other by…well, not killing each other.

Laughing off the Traitors' lame attempts at using orange in their uniforms, the Slackers unveiled their new threads with style--and a new commitment to teamwork and a mostly chilled out attitude. The Beats showed up in their Goodwill best, having threatened Winner's with a surgical airstrike after botching their uniforms order. (I'd stay away from the Jabr Complex if I were you.)

Speedy Daniel Rubenstein scores in the 1st inning for the Beats.

This was a tight game early on, 7-4 in favor of the Slackers after three innings. But a scoreless top-half of the 4th for the Beats, followed by a ten-run Slackers outburst in the home half, effectively put the game out of reach.

And they looked good doing it: Slackers tolerant after win.

The women of the Slackers kept rallies going on offense, as is their habit, and played effective defense. On the other side, Gunny Diaz continued to make his case for League MVP, driving in teammates Todd Cyril and Rofelio Grinston with his sixth-inning triple. (In case you hadn't noticed, that's our video highlight of the week. Much more of that going forward.)

Beats capitana Marikay Satryano is tired of losing, but she kept it all in perspective by reminding herself that this is all being done for a great cause. Will shaking up her lineup cure her on-field blues?

The next meeting between the Beats and Slackers will be on July 13th at noon. Next week, the Slackers drop in on the Stars, and the Beats say hello to the Eagles.

Don’t mess with the bull, young lady. You’ll get the jalapenos.

This wasn’t the game anyone thought it would be. After an inning-and-a-half, the score was tied at one. One Traitor was then heard saying, “We’ve got ourselves a game.” But another Traitor dug deep into the Rules of Softball and discovered that the object of the game is to score runs while preventing the other team from doing the same.

Close game early: Ali Lejlic nails Ash Samawi at home.

And so an eight-run 2nd inning, followed by six in the 3rd (with nothing much in between for the Sluggos) was pretty much all it took for the Traitors to snap up an unexpectedly easy win. With it, the Gatorades took early control of the Long Division.

Swing-and-a-miss: Orrince's hat is cool.

Oh yeah, the call. Prior to the game, the ump (Note: ‘twas I) gave pre-game instructions to the pitchers and captains of both teams. He told them to yell and scream all they wanted, to ridicule the ump as they saw fit, and not to hold back their emotions. The only line in the sand was to not interfere with calls made by the umps. Just don’t make calls, not from the dugout, defense or base coaches. Those calls will be overturned and will go against you for interfering.

Wouldn’t you know, in the bottom of the 4th, your Uncle Mude found himself leaning against Dante’s Furnace. Brooke Sartawi (Note: my wife) failed to get back to first in time and was doubled up on a fly ball. That should have been the third out of the inning, but someone (I’m not saying it was Orrince) yelled “Out!” from the Sluggos dugout before the base ump could make the call.

Not even close: Brooke Sartawi would have been out at first.

Why me? Anyway, the inning went on. (But it would’ve been nice had the Traitors been good sports and just given up an easy out.) The three runs the Traitors put up in that inning had no effect on the game, as the Sluggos themselves stated. Later that night, however, I could hear a bunch of guys at a poker game insulting every member of my family, in vivid detail, from clear across town. Guys, leave my maternal great-great-uncle out of this, eh? The only thing he associated with “soft ball” was labaneh.

After the game, but before the Mude Haters Poker Club convened, I witnessed an event that changed me forever. Sluggo Orrince fed his baby daughter a jalapeno. She cried and cried. He laughed and laughed. Why would he do this to his own adorable baby? Because he can. I will never cross him again.

On a lighter note, here's Kevin Rowlson, taking his punishment like a, um...man...sorta:

Stranded Nomads seek the company of Wilson

An eyewitness said this game definitely gave the fans in the stands their money’s worth. (It’s free admission…get it?)

The good news for Bling Bling is that they kept the game surprisingly close. The impending arrival of their uniforms should make up the difference in future games, because it’s all about how good you look out there.

Aside from the first inning, the Nomads stranded a steaming heap of base runners, failing to take advantage of their many scoring chances. They may think they got an easy win, but others are looking at this game as having exposed some serious chinks in the Tribe’s armor. Are the Nomads merely playing down to their competition, or are they a flawed team?

Next week, the Sluggos, who will be very angry, will answer that question when they face Massarweh’s ‘Mads. Ziggy and Schwa have been burning the phone lines to their bookies, with the smart money on the Sluggos.

Here's some game action from the first inning, with the bases loaded for Shukri Saleh:

Blinger left scratching his head after Shukri's deep fly ball scores four runs.

What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Unveiling of the trivia prize: The winner gets to have his or her team’s batters’ first plate appearances accompanied by the song of their choice, to be played over the PA system. Just like in the majors. We’re big time now, people.

The rest of the teams will have a chance to bid for the same musical treatment later, as part of our ongoing fundraising efforts. (In other words, please don’t take advantage of this on your own.)

Last week's trivia question was correctly answered by Dan Crawford, guitarist for the musical sensation The Hamptons. (Perhaps you’ve heard of him.) Correctly identifying the Beatles as the connection (details at bottom) between June 27th’s six posts didn’t really win Dan the prize, as he doesn’t have a softball team. So I’ll reward him with giving the public a look at his beloved Lucy:

This week’s trivia question is far too easy, because we want to give away the prize. Similar to last week, name the connection between the posts. Hint: All you have to really do is look at the headlines. Handicap: You can be pretty vague and still get it right.

One answer per person. Relatives of the typist and those who sleep with him are not eligible. Please answer in the comments section of this post. If a non-player wins, he/she will pick the team who gets the prize.

Details on the Beatles-Posts Connections:

* Remember to let her into your heart: From the song "Hey Jude," referring here to Maryam
* But when you talk about destruction: From "Revolution," referring to Abu Mitchell's fatwa
* Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you…The Beats: Change "Beats" to "Beatles" and you've got Ed Sullivan's 1964 intro
* Of all these friends and lovers: From "In My Life," referring to the many connections between the two teams
* I’ve got blisters on my fingers: From "Helter Skelter," referring to all the words I typed
* Still they lead me back to the long, winding posts: From "The Long and Winding Road," referring to the connections between the posts, and leading you to the trivia question