Scrimmage

It's on for Friday, August 28, from 10 AM until about Noon. Those who have confirmed, please be there on time. Note: A massively massive, megabighugemongously epic season recap is coming this weekend.

Trophy Time Nears. Paint It Orange?

Canardlys 20 Nomads 15 The Canardlys made the season sweep of the Nomads official and did what they had to do to clinch the Tourney's #3 seed. All they needed was for the JoSox to beat the Camels later in the day. Four wins on the season may not seem like much, but it's a Quantum Leap for the Canardlys. As for the Nomads, who were already trapped at #5, hopefully they can rally all their troops and make some serious noise in the Tourney. A full Nomads squad is as good as any team in the league. JoSox 5 Slackers 8 ASL's top two offensive teams are also the league's top two defensive teams. Both teams came in averaging over 20 runs per game on offense. Both teams hadn't allowed 10 runs to an opponent in their previous 5 games. Something had to give, and it was scoring. In such a low-scoring game, a hero had to emerge. Enter the Slackers' Rakan "Rocky" Abu Shaar. Rocky hit two inside the park homers for 5 RBI and made several web gems at shortstop. Awesome game, Rocky. You carried the Slackers on your back and willed the Orange to victory over everyone's hated rivals ... and to the top seed in the Tourney. Camels 6 JoSox 11 The Camels picked up where the Slackers left off, holding the suddenly anemic JoSox offense to just 11 runs, behind the able (and brave) pitching of Laura Alsenas. But the Humps could not overcome the stingy JoSox defense, so it's the #4 seed for the Tourney. JoSox came into the game locked in at the #2 seed. The Tournament Schedule: Friday, August 14: 8:45 AM (Opening Round) #5 Nomads @ #4 Camels 10:30 AM (Semifinal 1) #3 Canardlys @ #2 JoSox 12:15 PM (Semifinal 2) Winner of #5/#4 @ #1 Slackers 2:15 PM (Championship) Semifinals winners play each other. The higher seed is the home team. Coming up this week: Declan joins Ziggy and Schwa for a Tourney preview. A response to Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin's MLB team comparisons. And each team's theme song.

Nomads First To, Um, Clinch

The results from Week 8: Slackers 26 Camels 7 Nomads 7 Camels 20 Nomads 4 JoSox 24 Week 9's schedule... Friday, August 7: 9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Slackers (Filling for Nomads) Then it's the Tourney... Friday, August 14: 8:45 AM (Opening Round) #5 Nomads @ #4 Seed 10:30 AM (Semifinal 1) #3 Seed @ #2 Seed 12:15 PM (Semifinal 2) Winner of #5/#4 @ #1 Seed 2:15 PM (Championship) Semifinals winners play each other. The higher seed is the home team.

Change You Can Be Leavin'

As promised, changes have been made to the schedule for weeks 8 & 9. Also, effective immediately, the position of co-captain is eliminated. You can do whatever you like within your own teams, but for the purposes of communication with the commish and discussions with the umpires, the Captain and only the Captain is the Dude. This is an issue of maturity and experience in league business. Some of the co-captains are simply not cut out for it yet. Finally, the Comments Section of the Slogs would like to extend an official welcome to all the hypocrites, idiots, whiners and jackasses. Welcome. I could blacklist those morons or instantly delete every comment they make, good or bad. But then a small part of them would die, and it's not time for the murders I have planned. Not just yet. Keep shooting yourselves in the foot guys. And stay classy, as always. Then again, maybe I'll randomly delete some of their comments, just to mess with them. Yeah. That's it. Friday, July 24 (Week 7): Camels 8 Canardlys 16 JoSox 35 Canardlys 7 Nomads 7 Slackers 14 Friday, July 31 (Week 8): 9:00 AM Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 Nomads Note: This is a six-inning game and will begin with the top of the 2nd. 10:45 AM Nomads @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox 12:30 PM Nomads @ JoSox Umps: 3 Camels Friday, August 7 (Week 9): 9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Slackers (Filling for Nomads) Please note: Nothing in this post is up for debate, discussion, vote or poll.

Week 7: The Real Monkeyfest

--LATE UPDATE (The captains already know this): 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys The Camels will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys The JoSox will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 Slackers 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys (Note the change) --END UPDATE-- Before we get to the week's games, there will be a party...and you're (probably/maybe) invited. The Marine House at the US Embassy is having "Guest Bartender Night" and they've opened their doors to Amman Softball League. Free admission, cheap drinks. Info was emailed to each team. If you're a player and didn't get it, see your captain. Please don't call, text, or email me about this. It is not my gig. I have no more info than what's in that email. I'm just passing it along. (NOTE: Yes, you certainly CAN bring a non-ASL date. Just follow the instructions in the email.) Speakin' about cheap drinks. Not in cans, bottles, jugs, kegs, travel mugs or brown paper bags. Not in anything at all. Don't bring alcohol to the ALLA Complex. ALCOHOL IS NOT ALLOWED ON LITTLE LEAGUE GROUNDS. July 24 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys Umps: 3 JoSox

From Summer 2007, Bling Bling (Top center: Jawad, Saif & Maher; top right: Laith)

Both teams have their origins in 2007's disastrous Bling Bling team, which split into 4U2NV and the Trojans. 4u2NV became Bezzig & Lezzig, then Canardlys. The Trojans are now the Camels. There was an interesting unilateral "bet" made in the comments section. 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys Umps: 3 Slackers

Maher searches in the dirt for his defense. A microscope would be helpful.

Speakin' about Maher...he still owes us about 56 pushups. Oh yeah, one more thing... Freak, you out there? 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 1 JoSox + 2 Canardlys

An unidentified Nomad tried drowning his sorrows, but his sorrows learned to swim.

Jordan Cup? What Jordan Cup? It's beyond the point of plastering the Nomads on milk cartons and issuing Amber Alerts. We're damn near the point of making funeral arrangements. Man up, 'Mads. (Note: The player in the pic may or may not be one of the Nomads captains not named Zaki.) Notes: There may be schedule changes for the final two weeks of the regular season. Please stay tuned. Or don't. As always, I really don't care what you degenerates do. Still time to vote in the walking poll. As of this typing, Laith Barhoum is considered the walking mascot of ASL. Quite an honor.

Week 6 Results

Canardlys 8 JoSox 26 JoSox 27 Nomads 4 Slackers 16 Camels 4

Diesel Fume Ponderings

Declan Sartawi, representing babies everywhere.

SLOGS WARNING: If you are easily offended...ah, you know the drill.

Shukri Saleh is not worried about his sperm count.

Slogs Note: The following is an email from Shukri to Mude, modified from a letter Shuk sent to his parents.

First off, I would like to extend my best wishes and congrats to Brooke and Mude on the beautiful addition to their family. I feel I speak on behalf of the league (most of you, at least) and Mr. Jawad, of course, when I say that we are looking forward to getting smashed and inebriated on July 1st, 2010, Declan’s one year birthday! Congratulations. Love, Le Freak. Now, to all other young couples considering taking this big step in life, please reconsider. I prepared this list for my parents, detailing my reasons for not reproducing. 1. Why? Is it supposed to complete me!? My ass. 2. Bad investment. The costs involved in feeding, clothing, and educating the SOB or DOB. Children under 18 are a major financial liability. 3. I have seen too many good parents have their lives ruined because of their “problem child.” 4. Drugs. This can range from having an addict daughter/son, legal fees, legal issues, DUI, vehicular homicide, etc. 5. Raising the child. Having to feed it, bathe it, care for it, provide a loving & nurturing environment (I just tasted my own vomit), advising, guiding, and being a responsible father really seems like too much work and, more importantly, a MAJOR RESPONSIBILITY. 6. Activities like sports events, rehearsals, ballet, piano, Disney World, theme parks. (I’d rather have two root canals and have all my wisdom teeth yanked out again). Wow, is there any time left for my significant other and I? What about “our” activities? Can I really sit through a high school game or a little league season? 7. Birthdays. Mine were fun, but my parents hated it, and for good reason. 8. Family events. Having to do the “Holidays,” taking the children to their grandparents, cousins, and other relatives that come out of nowhere. 9. Education. Parent/teacher conferences, putting them in a good school and keeping up with their school events. I did well in school, but I disliked it. Why put myself through that crap again? 10. Stress. The stress involved with having a child. He goes out to play, she goes skydiving, she goes to the beach, he goes climbing or traveling, etc. I would be concerned and worried about their wellbeing the whole time, when I’d rather be enjoying myself or relaxing. 11. My significant other. Telling her, “Honey, I love you, but don’t love them (the kids).” I’m sure that will not go over very well with her. 12. Golf. I would much rather be golfing than doing the father-son or father-daughter bonding stuff. Yes I can take them out with me, but … no. 13. People say it’s only 18 years that they are with us, then they leave the house. 18 freaking years! That’s like more than a fourth of what I am expecting to live. Is Obama going to bail me out? 14. Religion. If my daughter or son came to me saying they found Jesus, or the words of Mohammed are echoing in their heads, or Moses (never mind…haha), I would lock them in a room and beat the stupidity out of them. The last thing I need is religion in my life. 15. You ever see those parents chasing their kids in the mall, or their child is screaming and kicking in the restaurant, or crying in the bank? Do you really want to be that parent? I have always wanted to walk over to such parents and ask them, “Do you mind if I slap your son and shut him up?” 16. Patience. Raising a child, or just being around him/her, requires patience, which I do not have at all. 17. Sex. What if you want to be loud? What if the kitchen table, sofa, or washing machine are the closest convenient spot? What if we want to invite a third person? I’m just saying, kids get in the way of a healthy sex life. 18. Family name is not a good enough excuse. 19. “This is why we were put on this earth.” Do you also believe in Noah’s Ark? Not good enough. Or, “It will make you happy.” Everyone has his or her definition of that. 20. Divorce. Hey, no marriage is guaranteed. Kids just complicate the divorce.

Poll Results...

Bite me.

Slogsville makes the call.

Just for fun, let's look at the standings, using Roman numerals: I. Slackers II. JoSox III. Camels IV. Canardlys V. Nomads So the "V" stands for five, just as the Nomads had intended. OK, that's not exactly what they had in mind. In real life, Roman numerals are used to add a sense of legacy. In marketing, Roman numerals are used to "dress up" inferior products. You be the judge. Speakin' about the Nomads...

Former Nomad Ramzey Nassar, in the hospital on game day. Ramzey would've made it to the game, but he insisted on having his temperature taken rectally, and it took the nurse a while to find a big enough thermometer. (Glad it was all OK, Ramzey. Hope this teaches you not to call in sick again. And not to have Zaki snap a pic of you and send it to the Slogs.)

Former Nomad John Simon spots Camel Saif Barhoum.

While Saif lifts to get exercise, his brother Laith just walks.

Nomad Omar Massarweh "points" to another loss. I guess he hasn't lost his passion. The Viagra helps?

Speakin' about another Nomads loss, here's your Week 6 slate: 9:00 AM: Canardlys @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads (Not one, not two, but THREE.) 10:45 AM: JoSox @ Nomads Umps: 2 Camels + 1 Canardly 12:30 PM: Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox You're on your own for predictions. Use the comments section...and use your real name. Don't forget to vote in the new poll. Top of the green sidebar. Do it now. Photo Credits: Shukri Saleh, Zaki Ibrahim.

Week 5 Recap: Outta Monkey References

Lama likes that all of Amman Softball League plays with Chad's balls.

Canardlys 26 Nomads 9 Before we celebrate recap Canardlys' season sweep over the Nomads, the Slogs would like to extend a warm thanks to Chad "The Imam" Bowen for finding, buying and carrying all those softballs for us to use. And now... Holy mother of a baboon's red butt, can you believe Canardlys just swept the Nomads? The first game was a narrow 7-6 win, but this game...brutal. Due to budget cuts at the Slogs, we couldn't send a correspondent to cover the game, but we hear Canardly Tamara Hawatmeh was still talking about that awesome, barehanded catch she made for an out against the JoSox a couple weeks ago. And it was awesome. In fact, it's awesomeness was only exceeded by its deliciousness. Question: Do the Canardlys, who also have Tamy "Stitch" Goudian, have the best tandem of women in the league? It's hard to argue against them. We hear that Nomad Omar Massarweh went 0-3 with two strikeouts and six errors. However, this could not be independently confirmed. What we can confirm is that Zaki Ibrahim continued his diving ways, but this time into the warm waters of Sharm El-Sheikh. Happy Anniversary to Zaki & Ghadeer. There is also a rumor floating around that Jawad Dabbas has abdicated the captaincy of the Canardlys and control of the team now rests in the hands of Maher Abu Arja. Someone please give us the scoop. As always, if either team has a recap, email it & we'll add it here. Up next week for both teams: The JoSox, who play a doubleheader. Slackers 23 Nomads 7 Some Jordan Derby. The Slogs will save the new trophy for the next game, in the hopes that it'll be something worthy of the work of art that is the new Jordan Cup. The Slackers have outscored the Nomads 61-23 in two games. Sheesh. So the Nomads were swept in their doubleheader. To be fair, they were shorthanded, having to enlist the help of some Canardlys just to round out a roster. Still, the Slackers just keep winning. That's a league-high five-game winning streak by the Slackers, if you're scoring at home. Or if you're scoring on the beach in Sharm. Or in a villa in Kursi. Some good news for the Nomads: Unlike their last three games, the Nomads will not have to suffer a penalty for missing an umping assignment. Thanks for showing up, guys. Up next week for the Slackers: The Camels. Camels 4 JoSox 28 "This is more like it." - Kevin Rowlson, JoSox "We need to practice." - Saif Barhoum, Camels Note: Type in italics is Jeff Sillin's. Regular type is mine. Today, fans at the ALLA complex witnessed the JoSox commit one of the goriest, more horrific mass Camelcides in the recorded history of the Levant. The JoSox were out for blood, revenge, pain. We managed to keep our cool on the Slogs, and even in the stands. But there was no doubt: We wanted this one, badly. The Camels were a different team this week. Apparently we thought it was against the rules to field the ball if it was below our knee caps. We will have to read the rules to confirm. The big problem was obviously our bats. There were strikeouts, popups, double plays (grr). While camels do not need much water to survive, they usually require a minimum of four at-bats per week to avoid bouts of depression. The big problem for the Camels was the JoSox defense. Those strikeouts, popups and delicious double plays didn't happen on their own. Our D made them happen; the Camels were just nice enough to play along. The Camels only got 31 at-bats in 7 innings, getting a miniscule 12 runners on base, for a .387 average -- the lowest for a Sox/Monsters opponent since winter '07. That's 1.7 baserunners per inning. You won't score runs when you trot out that 0.7 of a baserunner. For the Sox, we had 53 plate appearances in only 6 innings. 35 got on base, with 4 sac flies (all RBI). That's a .714 clip (35-49), our highest team average since hitting .811 last summer...against the Camels/Trojans in a 32-8 win. Even if we had played good defense, the JoSox were slapping line drives every which-way. I don't see how we make up 29 runs on this day. Speakin' about hitting: Zac Bonifas, Tom & John Manning, Eric Atkins and Ali Lejlic each had at least 4 hits. Add to the list our 10th hitter, Katie Domian, who went 4-5 with 3 runs and a couple RBI. Every JoSox got at least one hit and one RBI and one run scored. At least. Eric led the way with 6 RBI, while Ali scored 5 runs. For the Camels, Jeff Sillin, Aaron Bouchane and Mazen Nimri each went 2-3. Mohammad Zalatimo went 2-2 and pitched well. Guess who only got on base because he took a walk? Laith Barhoum. That's right, the plagiarist himself, the supposed Anti-Slacker and condemner-in-chief of all who draw walks. He was 0-2 before his last at-bat. He had to walk just to see what reaching base was like in this game. Nancy. (Have at him, Slackers!) With a score of 28-4, surely the JoSox had a whole mess of walks themselves. Nope. The JoSox walked exactly zero times. None. Nada. Zip. 35 for 49 and no walks. Our green hat's off to Z-Man for droppin' us some hittables. I hope that three minute speech you gave after the game while we were standing in line waiting to shake your hands was inspiring for your team, cause it sure was for me. Next game, you can expect a Haka Dance. When you lose, you have to watch the other team celebrate. Get busy winnin', or get busy watchin'.

Week 5 Preview: Cloned Ape = Rematch

In Softball, men don't walk. They swing like apes.

9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 Slackers Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for JoSox @ Camels on July 3.)* Rematch week kicks off with the Canardlys looking for back-to-back wins against the Nomads. Will Jawad Dabbas's screaming ways alienate his teammates or accidentally lead them to another win? 10:45 AM Slackers @ Nomads Umps: 1 Canardly & 2 JoSox Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for Canardlys @ Slackers on July 3.)* The Nomads start game 2 of the Jordan Derby in the hole, losing 3 outs and the Black Hole that is CF Zaki Ibrahim. MIA: Massarweh's leadership. All of ASL is holding its breath to see if the Slackers will actually swing their bats. 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads The Camels, led by the bat (and mouth) of Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin, are brimming with confidence after last week's defeat of the JoSox. They look to make it two straight, while the Sox hope to make enough adjustments to squeak by with a win.

***

Still time to vote in the Nomads poll (upper right, in the green sidebar). Email suggestions for next week's poll, which will start Saturday. *The 3-out punishment for missing an umping assignment was put into effect after a unanimous captains' vote on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Week 4 Recap: Baby Monkeys!

Declan Sartawi, Buckeye

Before we get to this week's recaps, let me issue an official denial. There is no truth to the rumor around the league that Brooke & I purposely had our baby early so that she would be back in time for the Tourney. Yes, the Tourney is exactly six weeks away, and that's the recommended recuperation time for new moms, but come on. All of that was tongue in cheek, as are the allegations. I think.

We have a guest doing part of the recaps this week, but first, check out the new poll (in the green sidebar, on the right). On to the week that was...

JoSox 19 20 Camels 22 When the Camels show up with a full squad and play up to their talent, they are as good as any team in the league. It's nice to see them putting it all together. Well done. From the pen of Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin, co-captain of the Camels: I know that your newborn child provides you a convenient excuse not to include this unfortunate chapter of JoSox history in the Slogs this week. However, if you do find it in your heart to create an entry, here are our notes from the game. Best defense we have ever played, anchored by a solid effort from George Sahyoun at SS, and a spectacular effort from Laith Barhoum at the hot corner (even though he still won't back up a throw for his f-ing life). Mohamed "Z-man" Zalatimo pitched and I don't think he even knows what a walk is. Nobody was hit in the face on our team this week, but I took four balls off the chest. [Mude Note: Does that mean two naked guys sat on Jeff's chest?] If Kevin Rowlson tries to tell you that every ground ball took a candy hop for our defense, tell him that I have the bruises to prove him wrong. At the plate, Aaron Bouchane went 3-5 with a dinger (inside job, the wind was vicious), Laith was 4-5 with another inside the park HR, Tarek Jallad had 4 hits, and yours truly was 5-5 with a triple and a double. Production came throughout the lineup. In a final note, the umps did an admirable job, especially when it came to controlling stupid comments without escalating them. Zaki deserves a nod for that. [Mude Note 2: Too bad he didn't have the required help from his own team. More punishments comin' down.] Canardlys 5 Slackers 18 I hear there was some yelling. Willie & Ash? Jawad? Somehow, the game was played. Slackers continue to roll and take over 1st place. Are they really the team to beat, or is this all the product of the easy part of their schedule and some shorthanded opponents? After all, they did lose to the shorthanded JoSox in Week 1. Time (and a couple of rematches) will tell. Nomads 6 Canardlys 7 Congrats to Canardlys on their first win. It's been a long time coming, and all of the Slogs are elated for your success. Post some stats or your own recap & I'll add it here. Nomads (except Zaki): We're not your maids. Show up & ump your scheduled games like everyone else. It's disgusting... and disrespectful to the rest of the people in the league. Man up. Finally...

To all of my fellow Americans, wherever you may be:

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

(And to the rest of the Free World: You're Welcome.)

Week 3 Results

Canardlys 9 JoSox 23 Nomads 16 Slackers 38 Slackers 31 Camels 26 25 143 142 runs in three games. Poor home plate. More later...

Week 3 Preview: Party Like A Shaved Ape

9:00 Canardlys @ JoSox (Umped by 3 Slackers) Teammates in partying, foes on the field. A few hours after this game, Canardlys 1st baseman Chad "The Imam" Bowen and the JoSox #1 fan, Lama Saqr, will hold their engagement party. With members of both teams invited, there may be fallout from the game. I'm thinkin' fisticuffs. I'm thinkin' mayhem. Yes, Mr. Milkshake, there will be blood. *** 10:45 Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by 3 JoSox) The Jordan Derby. The teams are set to play three times this season, with the team that wins at least two games having the honor of taking home the brand new prize. The new "trophy" won't be revealed until there's something on the line, which will be their next game. What will be revealed, however, are the Nomads' new uniforms. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I'm telling you, we are going to have a lot of fun with this. *** 12:30 Slackers @ Camels (Umped by 3 Nomads) The Slackers are spreading rumors that the Camels will forfeit this game. We haven't seen that tactic yet, but if you're scared to play a team, like the Slackers quite obviously fear the Camels, then there is a smarter play. Convince the other team that your team won't show up. Then your opponents won't show up, and you'll come out of hiding to claim the forfeit. Is this what you signed up for, Ash? *** "I didn't get to vote" was sent to me by a couple people, so I'm extending the Bash Mude poll (upper right, in the Green). A new poll will be published on Saturday. Trash-talking may now commence. Or not. I really don't care what you degenerates do.

Week 2 Recap: Simian Honeymoon

"Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read 'Ice Cube's a pimp'." It was a good day, indeed. Mostly calm and clear with only scattered WTFs. Must have been the presence of all those ALLA emissaries. Y'all listened when you were told: Khafoo ALLA. But I have the feeling this honeymoon won't last. Your scores: Slackers 31 Canardlys 21 Highlights of the Game: Omar Nimri and Nader Qushair going a combined 10-10 and remaining perfect for the season, cruising to a win with one woman tied behind the altar. And watching Maher Abu Arja mostly dispense with his wiggle dance and finally hit the ball. Lowlight of the Game: The Slackers, who occupy the bases while on defense like an Israeli settlement on a Palestinian hilltop, complaining that the Canardlys' 1st baseman, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, was interfering with their runners...while he was going for the ball. Stat of the Game: The Canardlys are now 12-0 in postgame celebrations. Random Note: Congrats to Dana Samawi, who got married on Thursday. We hope to see your future children watching games and your husband becoming a Slacker. (I believe it's mandatory.) Camels 12 Nomads 19 Highlights: Saad's pitching performance after the 2nd inning. Iman's uncanny ability to get on base. Laura Alsenas' perpetual smile. And, holy crap, Massarweh's clutchiness. Lowlights: Zaki Ibrahim's theatrics in centerfield, diving after catching routine flyballs and even tumbling after one of his infielders would make a play. Also, watching the Camels wilt in the sun and give away a game they should have won. Stat: The Nomads are undefeated when holding the lead at the end of a game. Random Note: Pour some marinara sauce on that bat, Ramzey Nassar. All that talk and you bring al dente angel hair to the plate? Since this is my first attempt at posting from my TootAswad, I figured we should debut a new Slogs feature. You know how every half-retarded sportswriter falls back on the "Burning Questions" crutch? Well, I'm not a sportswriter, but I am nothing if not half-retarded. So, keeping it geographically and environmentally relevant, here's your first installment of... Diesel Fume Ponderings 1. It was fun seeing Omar Massarweh flop around at shortstop again. What'll it take to get him so riled up that he graces the Slogs with his rants again? 2. Good to see teams paying more attention to the development of their female players. Any guy can learn this game, but a sex change is a big hassle. (Note: There's word from someone in a high position that next season will require three women per team, on defense and in the batting order. "Recruit & Develop" or "Hormones & Surgery"... the choice is yours.) 3. This season's Camels feature a smooth Jordanian-American blend. Wait. How the hell am I supposed to stop smoking? Can someone change their team name to Lung Cancer already? 4. Bilal ibn Rabah became the first muezzin because he had a beautiful voice. Seriously, have you been to Mecca Mall lately? Is that azzan, or a hyena that swallowed a French horn? I'm ashamed and offended. And my ears hurt. 5. Ash Samawi went home to the Slackers after three seasons of whoring around with the Traitors, Green Monsters & JoSox. That's what happens when you're done sowing your wild oats. You settle down with family. It's Viagra and backgammon from now on, Smash. 6. The Ministry of Health requires every restaurant and cafe in Jordan to play "Careless Whisper" and "Hotel California" on a loop. This is a fact. Look it up. 7. Last season's Bezzig & Lezzig were forced to change their name from AF11 to the Canardlys because the women on their team objected to the profanity. Meet Tamy Goudian & Tamara Hawatmeh, AKA The Bin Laden Girls. (No, I won't tell you what AF11 stands for.) 8. The JoSox had the week off, and even though he was out of the country, pitcher Kevin Rowlson still walked six batters. OK, here's another one: In Iraq this week, insurgents always stood exactly 48 feet away from Kevin Rowlson, because even they know he's the American who grants easy access to bases. One more? Kevin Rowlson was a popular guy at Baghdad's nightclubs...something, something...free passes...you get the point. 9. Happy Birthday to Schwa, the Slogs' official boycat, who turns three years old today. He was gracious enough to invite Ziggy to the party. Lewd Comment of the Week: "Who let the f&#$%in' press in our dugout?" - Jeff Sillin MVP of the Week: Khaled, the guard at the ALLA Complex, for giving me the chance to do some screamin'. (UPDATE: Just saw the results of the poll so far. You guys are killin' me.) Web Gem of the Week: Really? 83 runs in two games and you want a web gem?

Week 2: Monkey Wedding Afterglow

We're not quite ready for the Jordan Cup Derby. One more week, right? UPDATE 6:15 PM: There's been a switch in the schedule. Please note! 9:00 AM JoSox @ Noobz We've got some serious new competition for "Best Shortstop" this season, as Eric Atkins showed. Y'all better take a look at the Noobz's Ramzi before it's too late. Can we get someone from the Embassy to clear the mines between home and 1st base? Will the Noobz bring their A-Team to knock off the defending champs? 10:45 AM Slackers @ AF11 Canardlys Umps: Two from Nomads, Two from Trojans SWAT Notes: The Slackers need a booster shot for innings 1-4, and AF11 Canardlys need one for innings 5-7. Nader being on the Slackers is like the Dalai Lama joining the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Maher's at-bat wiggle-dance routine is like a soldier fixing his hair before combat. Will Chad "The Imam" Bowen remember not to face Mecca while playing defense and pay attention to the ball instead? Finally, where's Ash? 12:30 PM Trojans SWAT @ Nomads Umps: Two from AF11 Canardlys, Two from JoSox Massarweh wants a Best Shortstop Opinion Poll. The Trojans SWAT's backup, George, should give him some tips. Hot Pants Rihani is the biggest fan of KISS I have ever known. We want Jeff Sillin to start writing for the Slogs. The Nomads have a few ringers on their team this season, but will they be here for the Tourney? Will the Trojans SWAT win this game, or will they win it in a rout? If your team is even one ump short for any game, then you will take an automatic three outs in your next game's first inning batting turn. (If your next game is against the Noobz, then it'll be assessed the game after that.) Leftovers: Bring cash this week. No pay, no play. Look at the new poll, courtesy of Jeff. Lewd Comment of the Week: "I vehemently but very respectfully disagree with your assessment of the play's result, sir." - Trojan SWATter George, who was ejected. Web Gem of the Week: Gotta be Eric's twisting, diving catch at short, right? Discuss. UPDATE: Rocky's stab of Rudy's hard liner to 3rd in the Sox-Slackers game is the clear front-runner so far. Player of the Week: My vote goes to Massarweh, for not playing. But y'all discuss.

Week 1: Too Loud, Man...Too Loud

"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven..." - Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap

A long time coming: King pitches to Jeff in the first game of Summer '09

Question: If Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Bratislav Smearpapsa were to argue with a game official about a particular call, would all three get the same treatment from that official? Answer: Who the hell is Bratislav Smearpapsa? Exactly. Rookies & Unknowns need to establish themselves and their reputation in the league in order to build the rapport necessary to OPEN THEIR FREAKIN' MOUTHS to any umpire. Then, if you rooks want to talk to an ump about a call, pay your dues long enough to become a captain. Until then, zip it. We play by a set of rules that have been voted on, item by item and line by line, by the captains of this league. The rules were not found under a sanniyeh of mansaf or revealed to someone in a wet dream. We all came up with them, together. I beg all of you to look here in the comments section for more. And for the love of falafel, read the damn rulebook as soon as you can spare four minutes in between downloading porn and cursing my name. The games... AF11 12 Trojans 20 AF11, which is last season's Bezzig & Lezzig renamed to reflect the team's current openness in mating habits, renewed their rivalry with their cousins, fellow Bling Bling descendants the Trojans. Inspired by the solid tandem of Tamy "Stitch" Goudian and former Nomad Tamara "Look Up" Hawatmeh - and the suddenly and inexplicably improved bat of Maher "The Choreographer" Abu Arja - captain Jawad "Spiked Coffee" Dabbas and his band of merry marauders jumped out to an 8-0 lead. Recognizing the need to inspire his team, Trojans co-cap Laith Barhoum got his Chuck Norris on. Instead of catching a relay from his outfielder, Laith wanted to catch it in his mouth to prove to his team that anything is possible. Ball 1, Chuck Norris 0. Eleven stitches later, Laith would rest easy in knowing that his brother, Saif, and 'mates like Jeff Sillin, Aaron Bouchane and that Rory dude, rallied and took the game. Special Note: AF11's 1B, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, pulled off something that nobody in ASL's history has been able to do: He got Lama Saqr to attend a morning game. I guess it helps that they're newly engaged. Congrats, kids. Just take a hint from the tenor of Friday's game and be careful how many ASLers you invite to the wedding. We like to destroy. Slackers 22 JoSox 23 Looking to avenge their loss in last season's championship game, the Slackers found themselves in a 19-7 hole after four innings. No problem when you have bats like they do. Led by cap Karim Barghouti, outfielder Nader Qushair and pitcher Omar Nimri, who combined to go a perfect 14-14 from the plate, the Slackers put up 4, 4 and 7 runs in the last three innings. And they held what looks to be a potent JoSox offense to exactly zero runs over that span. 22-19, Slackers lead, going into the bottom of the 7th and final inning. Gary Bonifas led off the inning with a single, and Justin Hiester knocked him in with a triple. Steve Mancuso sent him home with a double. 22-21, Slackers clinging to the lead with no outs. Mike O'Leary, the potential winning run, then singled to put runners on 1st and 3rd. Still no outs. The very next batter, David Lopez, calmly took one of Omar's patented cloud-scrapers and smoked it. Steve trotted home, followed by a hustling Mike. Ballgame. Special Note: The Slackers' Nader Qushair has been one of the best players in this league for six seasons now. It's my opinion that he's the most underappreciated player in ASL's history. Noobz 10 Nomads 11 The Nooobz are made up of brand new players who want to learn the game and have some fun. Instead of placing them on established teams, where they would see little or no playing time in our fiercely competitive league, we decided to spin them off and give them the attention they deserve. So every week, the Noobz will have a practice day with some of the league's players and coaches, where they will learn to hit and field and run the bases. Each Friday, they will play in a simulated game against one of the league's teams. In exchange for the "easy win" and valuable scrimmage time, the league team will also help in the development of these new players by working with and coaching the Noobz during the game. But, if the league team does not show up with enough players to field a team, then the result goes down as a forfeit. You really don't want that. Some special stuff for Noobz games: 1. League teams are capped at 5 runs per inning for all innings. Noobz have no limits in all innings. 2. League teams bat with the standard 3 outs. Noobz bat around for the first two innings, then go to 3 outs per inning. If the Noobz have less than 10 players, then outs are counted with the first league player's at bat (see #3). 3. The Noobz will be combined with players from other teams to form a full squad. Any player, regardless of his/her team, who wants some extra practice is encouraged to join the game. Players who can help coach and teach the Noobz are also needed to join up. 4. The goal here is to help the Noobz learn the game and have fun. Take it easy on them and always be in teaching mode. If you're reading this and want to learn the game of softball, please send an email to ASL (from the Contact info in the sidebar).

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Next week's game schedule will be published on Sunday, June 14. We'll have the full season schedule later in the week.

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For the week of June 14-20, reserve your team's practice time in the comments section of this post.

We're Back

"Get it on. Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on." - Adam Carolla Like a disease in remission, we've come back with rage, killing that false sense of security you felt as you lollygagged away the last ten months of Fridays. The Summer 2009 season of Amman Softball League, our 7th overall, is most definitely on. What does this mean for you? Pain, that's what. You're about to get smacked with balls that have the best size and hardness combo this side of bowling. If you like getting smacked with balls, then you've come to the right place. Welcome. We are also rolling out the same stained red carpet to all those who enjoy smacking balls. See how fairness runs in our blood? We've got Smackers and Slackers and Spitters and Trojans... Botox and JoSox and Nomads and Mo' Nads than any camel-humpin' league in the Middle East. We are here to get some and, dammit, some will be gotten. That felt good. By the way, the Slogs are now Adult Swim. This place is as full of inside jokes as it is full of fun and informative (don't forget well written!) stuff about the league. Read up on ASL, feel free to comment, and get in on the inside jokes. The only rule for Adult Swim: Don't pee in my pool. The deal for this Friday, June 12th: 9:00 AM*: AF11 @ Trojans (Slackers umping) 10:45 AM: Slackers @ JoSox (Trojans umping) 12:30 PM: Noobz @ Nomads (JoSox umping) *That's right, Nine Ay Em. Get over it...or just stay awake from the night before. RULES CHANGES: 1. No more surgical strike. It was dumb. 2. Games are now 7 innings. 3. Infielders positioned behind the basepaths for all batters. 4. Designated Hitter option added. 5. Miss an umping assignment, your team loses a full inning of at-bats. 6. Bring booze into the park, you're ejected & suspended. 7. READ THE RULES! (Note: This is not a rule change.) Maybe I'll have more on the league on Thursday. Maybe I'll decide to do something else instead. Like count the number of hypocrites who pretend to be religious but have no problem waking up entire neighborhoods with their horn-honking, wife-beating and escaped-from-the-zoo children. Softball was a venting mechanism, for all of us. You getting that yet? One word for all the waiters in Jordan: DEODORANT. Two words for getting Jordan out of debt: TRAFFIC PARKING TICKETS. Three words for Le Freak: NEED A LIGHT? Four words for Jeff's uncle: YOUR NEPHEW LIKES BOYS. Five words for all you newcomers: WELCOME TO AMMAN SOFTBALL LEAGUE.

Has Anyone Seen Our Future?

As you may have heard, we had to postpone (then cancel) the Winter '09 season. We had no choice in the matter, as there is no available field large enough to accommodate the game of softball. (Curse the people who decided what the dimensions of a soccer field should be.) The good news is, we should have plenty of new adults joining ASL in the coming years, because there is some seriously overwhelming demand to play baseball in Jordan. This is why the Little League field is not available. There are literally hundreds of kids playing baseball there on Fridays this winter. Maybe even thousands. Or, at least a dozen kids. OK, maybe seven. Anyway, it's Little League's field, so like the Bad News Bears in the Astrodome...Let them play. Here's what we hope to do over the next few weeks: 1. Register as an independent organization. 2. Find some land. 3. Make a softball field. 4. Play ball. If anyone wants to enlist for the purpose of helping out in Steps 1-3 above, please email me using the contact info at the top of the sidebar. Don't even bother calling. That number is just for ASL (not my private number), so I will not pick up during the offseason. Email, please. In the meantime, should we keep the Slogs going or let 'em hibernate? I'm thinking of posting the entire championship game from Summer '07 via YouTube. You know, Nomads-Traitors. Great game. Epic, even. And maybe we can settle, once and for all, if Massarweh is qualified to play shortstop. (Maybe that dig will get him on the toilet and calling.) Stay warm, Sloggers.