Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Monsters Slouch Towards Slogway Park

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

W.B. Yeats - The Second Coming

Green Monsters 21, Hit Squad 20

It's Holiday time, and your Slogger is feelin' apocalyptic. When an Amman Softball League team flies in a player from another country to play in one game against their hated rivals, you know the end is near. And when that player hits three home runs, including one out-of-the-park shot, and nearly carries his team to victory, you might as well assume that the end has already come.

Larry Martin
dropped in from Baghdad, on his way back home to the US, making his dramatic return to ASL with those taters. All three of his Hit Squad rounders were hit at, near, or above my wife, the lovely Brooke Sartawi. Why so mean, Larry? Brooke did have the last laugh, though, as her team won, with Monsters shortstop Dan McEwan going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 6 RBI's. [Disclosure: I'm the Monsters co-captain, so I'll keep the game "commentary" to a minimum.]

Hit Squad were up 6-5 after the 1st inning and 12-7 after three. The Green Monsters went on a 14-2 run in the 4th & 5th to take a 21-14 lead, before holding on for the 21-20 win. Some key performers included Hit Squad's Ali Lejlic (4-4, IPHR) and Greenie Tom Manning (5-5, 2 3B's). Green Monsters are now tied for first place, while Hit Squad drop into a tie for third.

Hit Squad co-captain Mark McPherson is trying to get Larry back in town for the Tournament in March. The Monsters are all for it, but how funny would it be if he did move mountains to return, only to have that day's games get rained out? The over/under on the level of Funny is currently "Very," so place your bets.


Larry Martin and Nuri Al-Maliki, beer league buddies.

Larry tried to teach softball to his Iraqi counterparts, but I'm not sure they got it. Here are Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Al-Maliki's Top Ten Softball Tips:

10. Split your softball team into three autonomous teams; kill each other.
9. Send your players to a softball training camp. When they return, kill them.
8. Send 10% of your roster to other teams, thus driving up their cost of living.
7. Buy a Mercedes for each of your players, then claim poverty and have the other teams pay your entry fee.
6. Replace 1st base with a land mine. If your base coach gets hurt, blame Iran.
5. When one of your players reaches 2nd base, issue a statement claiming victory is at hand.
4. When he's thrown out at 3rd, blame Syria.
3. Allow your fans to rush the field during the game and attack your opponent with bats. But to show you're really a good sport, allow each attacker to carry only one bat.
2. Claim your opponent's score is exaggerated because the scorekeeper cannot possibly know the reality of of how softball affects you.
1. If all else fails, blame Kurret al-Qaeda.

One Win, Two Win, Red Win, Blue Win...and 'Roid Rage

Where do they come from? I can't say.
But I bet they have come a long, long way.
Dr. Seuss - One Fish Two Fish

4U2NV 24, Trojans 23 (7 Innings)


4U2NV celebrate their first win with some...fruit juice and granola.


What a fantastic game. When a handful of Bling Bling's players broke ranks and created the Trojans, with the rest of the Blingers regrouping to form 4U2NV, an instant rivalry was born.

It was a back-and-forth nailbiter, with Saif Barhoum's defectors holding on to a 21-18 lead going into the bottom of the 6th inning. Team Envy would not be denied, though, and they rallied to tie the game and force that extra inning.

As they had all game, the Trojans rose to the occasion behind the bats of Laith Masri and Laith Barhoum, re-taking the lead, 23-21, before giving Envy their at-bats. All week, the Gheereh bunch emphasized patience and plate discipline. That strategy paid off with walk after walk, including captain Neal Zureikat being forced home with the winning run on Ball Four.

Kevin Rowlson filled in for absent Envy pitcher King Khaled. The Trojans were good sports about it. But then Kevin got hurt, and Santa/Freak Shukri Saleh stepped in. The Trojans protested, offering to allow Shuk to pitch, but not bat. All or nothing were the choices they were given, and being good sports, they went with all. But as co-captain Laith Barhoum said, "One player shouldn't have made the difference."

And it wasn't just that one player. 4U2NV's women, Tamara Goudian with her stellar outfield defense, and Suzy Sawalha and Maha Swais with their disciplined bats, all played great games. For their part, the Trojans have one of the best female players in the league in Wajiha Husseini.

During the post-game celebration, 4U2NV's co-captain Jawad Dabbas delivered a clasic line at the expense of his fallen foes: "The Trojans are so ineffective, they should change their name to the Morning After Pills."

It could have been worse, though, as the Trojans could have gone with a different brand:


Given the options, I'd say Trojans were the right choice.



Nomads 18, Slackers 15

This would have been the space where details of the game were provided, but there is some disturbing news breaking right now. Shukri Saleh, last season's Home Run Champ (and ASL's career HR leader), has been included in a special addendum to the Mitchell Report.

When reached for comment, Shukri denied the allegations and challenged the accusers to test him. "They just want to take down the champ," said a defiant Shuk. "Test me. I'll give blood samples, hair, poop, whatever you want."

So confident of his skills, Shukri offered to swing a wooden bat from now on--while in handcuffs.

In the most damning part of the report, Shuk's former personal trainer, Manfookh Abu Adallat, is quoted as saying, "If one of his teammates sniffed Shukri's armpits, that player would fail a steroids test. That's how 'roided up he is."

Speaking of Shuk's teammates, was that 'Roid Rage by Nomads captain Omar Massarweh after he was called out at 3rd base against the Slackers? Omar could not be reached for comment, but a source close to him opined that it was not very likely.

"I wish Omar were on steroids," said the source, on condition of anonymity. "When he goes to a healthy restaurant, he dips the lettuce in mayonnaise. I doubt he's juicing."

When a third Nomad was linked to steroids, he seemed at first to confess. The player, who will not be mentioned because he was exonerated by a proctologist, was asked if we was "on the 'roids."

"Aywa, mazboot," he replied. "Walla hal bawaseer gatlatni."