Nomads First To, Um, Clinch

The results from Week 8: Slackers 26 Camels 7 Nomads 7 Camels 20 Nomads 4 JoSox 24 Week 9's schedule... Friday, August 7: 9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Slackers (Filling for Nomads) Then it's the Tourney... Friday, August 14: 8:45 AM (Opening Round) #5 Nomads @ #4 Seed 10:30 AM (Semifinal 1) #3 Seed @ #2 Seed 12:15 PM (Semifinal 2) Winner of #5/#4 @ #1 Seed 2:15 PM (Championship) Semifinals winners play each other. The higher seed is the home team.

Change You Can Be Leavin'

As promised, changes have been made to the schedule for weeks 8 & 9. Also, effective immediately, the position of co-captain is eliminated. You can do whatever you like within your own teams, but for the purposes of communication with the commish and discussions with the umpires, the Captain and only the Captain is the Dude. This is an issue of maturity and experience in league business. Some of the co-captains are simply not cut out for it yet. Finally, the Comments Section of the Slogs would like to extend an official welcome to all the hypocrites, idiots, whiners and jackasses. Welcome. I could blacklist those morons or instantly delete every comment they make, good or bad. But then a small part of them would die, and it's not time for the murders I have planned. Not just yet. Keep shooting yourselves in the foot guys. And stay classy, as always. Then again, maybe I'll randomly delete some of their comments, just to mess with them. Yeah. That's it. Friday, July 24 (Week 7): Camels 8 Canardlys 16 JoSox 35 Canardlys 7 Nomads 7 Slackers 14 Friday, July 31 (Week 8): 9:00 AM Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 Nomads Note: This is a six-inning game and will begin with the top of the 2nd. 10:45 AM Nomads @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox 12:30 PM Nomads @ JoSox Umps: 3 Camels Friday, August 7 (Week 9): 9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Slackers (Filling for Nomads) Please note: Nothing in this post is up for debate, discussion, vote or poll.

Week 7: The Real Monkeyfest

--LATE UPDATE (The captains already know this): 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys The Camels will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 JoSox 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys The JoSox will take an automatic 3 outs in the top of the 1st inning (missed umping assignment) Umps: 3 Slackers 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 3 Canardlys (Note the change) --END UPDATE-- Before we get to the week's games, there will be a party...and you're (probably/maybe) invited. The Marine House at the US Embassy is having "Guest Bartender Night" and they've opened their doors to Amman Softball League. Free admission, cheap drinks. Info was emailed to each team. If you're a player and didn't get it, see your captain. Please don't call, text, or email me about this. It is not my gig. I have no more info than what's in that email. I'm just passing it along. (NOTE: Yes, you certainly CAN bring a non-ASL date. Just follow the instructions in the email.) Speakin' about cheap drinks. Not in cans, bottles, jugs, kegs, travel mugs or brown paper bags. Not in anything at all. Don't bring alcohol to the ALLA Complex. ALCOHOL IS NOT ALLOWED ON LITTLE LEAGUE GROUNDS. July 24 9:00 AM Camels @ Canardlys Umps: 3 JoSox

From Summer 2007, Bling Bling (Top center: Jawad, Saif & Maher; top right: Laith)

Both teams have their origins in 2007's disastrous Bling Bling team, which split into 4U2NV and the Trojans. 4u2NV became Bezzig & Lezzig, then Canardlys. The Trojans are now the Camels. There was an interesting unilateral "bet" made in the comments section. 10:45 AM JoSox @ Canardlys Umps: 3 Slackers

Maher searches in the dirt for his defense. A microscope would be helpful.

Speakin' about Maher...he still owes us about 56 pushups. Oh yeah, one more thing... Freak, you out there? 12:30 PM Nomads @ Slackers Umps: 1 JoSox + 2 Canardlys

An unidentified Nomad tried drowning his sorrows, but his sorrows learned to swim.

Jordan Cup? What Jordan Cup? It's beyond the point of plastering the Nomads on milk cartons and issuing Amber Alerts. We're damn near the point of making funeral arrangements. Man up, 'Mads. (Note: The player in the pic may or may not be one of the Nomads captains not named Zaki.) Notes: There may be schedule changes for the final two weeks of the regular season. Please stay tuned. Or don't. As always, I really don't care what you degenerates do. Still time to vote in the walking poll. As of this typing, Laith Barhoum is considered the walking mascot of ASL. Quite an honor.

Week 6 Results

Canardlys 8 JoSox 26 JoSox 27 Nomads 4 Slackers 16 Camels 4

Diesel Fume Ponderings

Declan Sartawi, representing babies everywhere.

SLOGS WARNING: If you are easily offended...ah, you know the drill.

Shukri Saleh is not worried about his sperm count.

Slogs Note: The following is an email from Shukri to Mude, modified from a letter Shuk sent to his parents.

First off, I would like to extend my best wishes and congrats to Brooke and Mude on the beautiful addition to their family. I feel I speak on behalf of the league (most of you, at least) and Mr. Jawad, of course, when I say that we are looking forward to getting smashed and inebriated on July 1st, 2010, Declan’s one year birthday! Congratulations. Love, Le Freak. Now, to all other young couples considering taking this big step in life, please reconsider. I prepared this list for my parents, detailing my reasons for not reproducing. 1. Why? Is it supposed to complete me!? My ass. 2. Bad investment. The costs involved in feeding, clothing, and educating the SOB or DOB. Children under 18 are a major financial liability. 3. I have seen too many good parents have their lives ruined because of their “problem child.” 4. Drugs. This can range from having an addict daughter/son, legal fees, legal issues, DUI, vehicular homicide, etc. 5. Raising the child. Having to feed it, bathe it, care for it, provide a loving & nurturing environment (I just tasted my own vomit), advising, guiding, and being a responsible father really seems like too much work and, more importantly, a MAJOR RESPONSIBILITY. 6. Activities like sports events, rehearsals, ballet, piano, Disney World, theme parks. (I’d rather have two root canals and have all my wisdom teeth yanked out again). Wow, is there any time left for my significant other and I? What about “our” activities? Can I really sit through a high school game or a little league season? 7. Birthdays. Mine were fun, but my parents hated it, and for good reason. 8. Family events. Having to do the “Holidays,” taking the children to their grandparents, cousins, and other relatives that come out of nowhere. 9. Education. Parent/teacher conferences, putting them in a good school and keeping up with their school events. I did well in school, but I disliked it. Why put myself through that crap again? 10. Stress. The stress involved with having a child. He goes out to play, she goes skydiving, she goes to the beach, he goes climbing or traveling, etc. I would be concerned and worried about their wellbeing the whole time, when I’d rather be enjoying myself or relaxing. 11. My significant other. Telling her, “Honey, I love you, but don’t love them (the kids).” I’m sure that will not go over very well with her. 12. Golf. I would much rather be golfing than doing the father-son or father-daughter bonding stuff. Yes I can take them out with me, but … no. 13. People say it’s only 18 years that they are with us, then they leave the house. 18 freaking years! That’s like more than a fourth of what I am expecting to live. Is Obama going to bail me out? 14. Religion. If my daughter or son came to me saying they found Jesus, or the words of Mohammed are echoing in their heads, or Moses (never mind…haha), I would lock them in a room and beat the stupidity out of them. The last thing I need is religion in my life. 15. You ever see those parents chasing their kids in the mall, or their child is screaming and kicking in the restaurant, or crying in the bank? Do you really want to be that parent? I have always wanted to walk over to such parents and ask them, “Do you mind if I slap your son and shut him up?” 16. Patience. Raising a child, or just being around him/her, requires patience, which I do not have at all. 17. Sex. What if you want to be loud? What if the kitchen table, sofa, or washing machine are the closest convenient spot? What if we want to invite a third person? I’m just saying, kids get in the way of a healthy sex life. 18. Family name is not a good enough excuse. 19. “This is why we were put on this earth.” Do you also believe in Noah’s Ark? Not good enough. Or, “It will make you happy.” Everyone has his or her definition of that. 20. Divorce. Hey, no marriage is guaranteed. Kids just complicate the divorce.

Poll Results...

Bite me.

Slogsville makes the call.

Just for fun, let's look at the standings, using Roman numerals: I. Slackers II. JoSox III. Camels IV. Canardlys V. Nomads So the "V" stands for five, just as the Nomads had intended. OK, that's not exactly what they had in mind. In real life, Roman numerals are used to add a sense of legacy. In marketing, Roman numerals are used to "dress up" inferior products. You be the judge. Speakin' about the Nomads...

Former Nomad Ramzey Nassar, in the hospital on game day. Ramzey would've made it to the game, but he insisted on having his temperature taken rectally, and it took the nurse a while to find a big enough thermometer. (Glad it was all OK, Ramzey. Hope this teaches you not to call in sick again. And not to have Zaki snap a pic of you and send it to the Slogs.)

Former Nomad John Simon spots Camel Saif Barhoum.

While Saif lifts to get exercise, his brother Laith just walks.

Nomad Omar Massarweh "points" to another loss. I guess he hasn't lost his passion. The Viagra helps?

Speakin' about another Nomads loss, here's your Week 6 slate: 9:00 AM: Canardlys @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads (Not one, not two, but THREE.) 10:45 AM: JoSox @ Nomads Umps: 2 Camels + 1 Canardly 12:30 PM: Slackers @ Camels Umps: 3 JoSox You're on your own for predictions. Use the comments section...and use your real name. Don't forget to vote in the new poll. Top of the green sidebar. Do it now. Photo Credits: Shukri Saleh, Zaki Ibrahim.

Week 5 Recap: Outta Monkey References

Lama likes that all of Amman Softball League plays with Chad's balls.

Canardlys 26 Nomads 9 Before we celebrate recap Canardlys' season sweep over the Nomads, the Slogs would like to extend a warm thanks to Chad "The Imam" Bowen for finding, buying and carrying all those softballs for us to use. And now... Holy mother of a baboon's red butt, can you believe Canardlys just swept the Nomads? The first game was a narrow 7-6 win, but this game...brutal. Due to budget cuts at the Slogs, we couldn't send a correspondent to cover the game, but we hear Canardly Tamara Hawatmeh was still talking about that awesome, barehanded catch she made for an out against the JoSox a couple weeks ago. And it was awesome. In fact, it's awesomeness was only exceeded by its deliciousness. Question: Do the Canardlys, who also have Tamy "Stitch" Goudian, have the best tandem of women in the league? It's hard to argue against them. We hear that Nomad Omar Massarweh went 0-3 with two strikeouts and six errors. However, this could not be independently confirmed. What we can confirm is that Zaki Ibrahim continued his diving ways, but this time into the warm waters of Sharm El-Sheikh. Happy Anniversary to Zaki & Ghadeer. There is also a rumor floating around that Jawad Dabbas has abdicated the captaincy of the Canardlys and control of the team now rests in the hands of Maher Abu Arja. Someone please give us the scoop. As always, if either team has a recap, email it & we'll add it here. Up next week for both teams: The JoSox, who play a doubleheader. Slackers 23 Nomads 7 Some Jordan Derby. The Slogs will save the new trophy for the next game, in the hopes that it'll be something worthy of the work of art that is the new Jordan Cup. The Slackers have outscored the Nomads 61-23 in two games. Sheesh. So the Nomads were swept in their doubleheader. To be fair, they were shorthanded, having to enlist the help of some Canardlys just to round out a roster. Still, the Slackers just keep winning. That's a league-high five-game winning streak by the Slackers, if you're scoring at home. Or if you're scoring on the beach in Sharm. Or in a villa in Kursi. Some good news for the Nomads: Unlike their last three games, the Nomads will not have to suffer a penalty for missing an umping assignment. Thanks for showing up, guys. Up next week for the Slackers: The Camels. Camels 4 JoSox 28 "This is more like it." - Kevin Rowlson, JoSox "We need to practice." - Saif Barhoum, Camels Note: Type in italics is Jeff Sillin's. Regular type is mine. Today, fans at the ALLA complex witnessed the JoSox commit one of the goriest, more horrific mass Camelcides in the recorded history of the Levant. The JoSox were out for blood, revenge, pain. We managed to keep our cool on the Slogs, and even in the stands. But there was no doubt: We wanted this one, badly. The Camels were a different team this week. Apparently we thought it was against the rules to field the ball if it was below our knee caps. We will have to read the rules to confirm. The big problem was obviously our bats. There were strikeouts, popups, double plays (grr). While camels do not need much water to survive, they usually require a minimum of four at-bats per week to avoid bouts of depression. The big problem for the Camels was the JoSox defense. Those strikeouts, popups and delicious double plays didn't happen on their own. Our D made them happen; the Camels were just nice enough to play along. The Camels only got 31 at-bats in 7 innings, getting a miniscule 12 runners on base, for a .387 average -- the lowest for a Sox/Monsters opponent since winter '07. That's 1.7 baserunners per inning. You won't score runs when you trot out that 0.7 of a baserunner. For the Sox, we had 53 plate appearances in only 6 innings. 35 got on base, with 4 sac flies (all RBI). That's a .714 clip (35-49), our highest team average since hitting .811 last summer...against the Camels/Trojans in a 32-8 win. Even if we had played good defense, the JoSox were slapping line drives every which-way. I don't see how we make up 29 runs on this day. Speakin' about hitting: Zac Bonifas, Tom & John Manning, Eric Atkins and Ali Lejlic each had at least 4 hits. Add to the list our 10th hitter, Katie Domian, who went 4-5 with 3 runs and a couple RBI. Every JoSox got at least one hit and one RBI and one run scored. At least. Eric led the way with 6 RBI, while Ali scored 5 runs. For the Camels, Jeff Sillin, Aaron Bouchane and Mazen Nimri each went 2-3. Mohammad Zalatimo went 2-2 and pitched well. Guess who only got on base because he took a walk? Laith Barhoum. That's right, the plagiarist himself, the supposed Anti-Slacker and condemner-in-chief of all who draw walks. He was 0-2 before his last at-bat. He had to walk just to see what reaching base was like in this game. Nancy. (Have at him, Slackers!) With a score of 28-4, surely the JoSox had a whole mess of walks themselves. Nope. The JoSox walked exactly zero times. None. Nada. Zip. 35 for 49 and no walks. Our green hat's off to Z-Man for droppin' us some hittables. I hope that three minute speech you gave after the game while we were standing in line waiting to shake your hands was inspiring for your team, cause it sure was for me. Next game, you can expect a Haka Dance. When you lose, you have to watch the other team celebrate. Get busy winnin', or get busy watchin'.

Week 5 Preview: Cloned Ape = Rematch

In Softball, men don't walk. They swing like apes.

9:00 AM Canardlys @ Nomads Umps: 3 Slackers Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for JoSox @ Camels on July 3.)* Rematch week kicks off with the Canardlys looking for back-to-back wins against the Nomads. Will Jawad Dabbas's screaming ways alienate his teammates or accidentally lead them to another win? 10:45 AM Slackers @ Nomads Umps: 1 Canardly & 2 JoSox Note: The first 3 batters in the Nomads lineup will be automatic outs in the bottom of the 1st inning. (This is for missing their umping assignment for Canardlys @ Slackers on July 3.)* The Nomads start game 2 of the Jordan Derby in the hole, losing 3 outs and the Black Hole that is CF Zaki Ibrahim. MIA: Massarweh's leadership. All of ASL is holding its breath to see if the Slackers will actually swing their bats. 12:30 PM Camels @ JoSox Umps: 3 Nomads The Camels, led by the bat (and mouth) of Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin, are brimming with confidence after last week's defeat of the JoSox. They look to make it two straight, while the Sox hope to make enough adjustments to squeak by with a win.

***

Still time to vote in the Nomads poll (upper right, in the green sidebar). Email suggestions for next week's poll, which will start Saturday. *The 3-out punishment for missing an umping assignment was put into effect after a unanimous captains' vote on Saturday, June 6, 2009.

Week 4 Recap: Baby Monkeys!

Declan Sartawi, Buckeye

Before we get to this week's recaps, let me issue an official denial. There is no truth to the rumor around the league that Brooke & I purposely had our baby early so that she would be back in time for the Tourney. Yes, the Tourney is exactly six weeks away, and that's the recommended recuperation time for new moms, but come on. All of that was tongue in cheek, as are the allegations. I think.

We have a guest doing part of the recaps this week, but first, check out the new poll (in the green sidebar, on the right). On to the week that was...

JoSox 19 20 Camels 22 When the Camels show up with a full squad and play up to their talent, they are as good as any team in the league. It's nice to see them putting it all together. Well done. From the pen of Jeff "Goldilocks" Sillin, co-captain of the Camels: I know that your newborn child provides you a convenient excuse not to include this unfortunate chapter of JoSox history in the Slogs this week. However, if you do find it in your heart to create an entry, here are our notes from the game. Best defense we have ever played, anchored by a solid effort from George Sahyoun at SS, and a spectacular effort from Laith Barhoum at the hot corner (even though he still won't back up a throw for his f-ing life). Mohamed "Z-man" Zalatimo pitched and I don't think he even knows what a walk is. Nobody was hit in the face on our team this week, but I took four balls off the chest. [Mude Note: Does that mean two naked guys sat on Jeff's chest?] If Kevin Rowlson tries to tell you that every ground ball took a candy hop for our defense, tell him that I have the bruises to prove him wrong. At the plate, Aaron Bouchane went 3-5 with a dinger (inside job, the wind was vicious), Laith was 4-5 with another inside the park HR, Tarek Jallad had 4 hits, and yours truly was 5-5 with a triple and a double. Production came throughout the lineup. In a final note, the umps did an admirable job, especially when it came to controlling stupid comments without escalating them. Zaki deserves a nod for that. [Mude Note 2: Too bad he didn't have the required help from his own team. More punishments comin' down.] Canardlys 5 Slackers 18 I hear there was some yelling. Willie & Ash? Jawad? Somehow, the game was played. Slackers continue to roll and take over 1st place. Are they really the team to beat, or is this all the product of the easy part of their schedule and some shorthanded opponents? After all, they did lose to the shorthanded JoSox in Week 1. Time (and a couple of rematches) will tell. Nomads 6 Canardlys 7 Congrats to Canardlys on their first win. It's been a long time coming, and all of the Slogs are elated for your success. Post some stats or your own recap & I'll add it here. Nomads (except Zaki): We're not your maids. Show up & ump your scheduled games like everyone else. It's disgusting... and disrespectful to the rest of the people in the league. Man up. Finally...

To all of my fellow Americans, wherever you may be:

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

(And to the rest of the Free World: You're Welcome.)