My Wife Beans Me (And Bling Crushes The Traitors)

Last Friday, some of the Polyphonic Blingtones joined half the Nomads and Slackers to watch Tessio beg to be let off the hook. (You know, for old times’ sake.) The Gatoradin’ Traitors were in town, so a game had to be played. Orrince, YAM, Kristin, Gunny and I jumped over to BlingNation. The battle was afoot.

I’ll spare you the suspense. Bling Bling won this game. Were it not for the small technicality of Bling’s forfeit, you would all see a big fat “1” in the Traitors’ loss column. It was a blowout. We stopped keeping score after it was 27-0 in the 3rd inning.

Kinzi over at "my treasure" is digging up ideas on “how playing sports together can enhance your marriage.” She was kind enough to link to the thrilling, back-to-back Taweel homers, but I’m here today to speak the truth—not some four bag fantasy.

My wife plays for the Traitors, and she was patrolling second base during this game. I hit a grounder and Brooke tried to turn two. She threw one of her laser throws that went wide and hit me in the leg…five feet after I was safe at first. It left a nasty bruise. How’s that for an enhanced marriage?

Perhaps Brooke did this in retaliation for an incident that occurred during the previous inning. She hit what looked to be a single to left, but being a Traitor, she tried to take the extra base against a weaker opponent. Manning first base in my manly manner, I stopped her. She put up a fight. I carried her back to first. (Told ya I'm manly.)

You see, Brooke’s family has entrusted me with her safety. Second base is dangerous. It’s out there in the middle of nothing, all square and white and dusty. I did not want my wife to fall victim to some nefarious plot. So I saved her and brought her back to the taupe-level security of first base. See what a good guy I am?

Not only did I get rewarded for my heroic deed with a beaning, but one of Brooke’s teammates later added insult to my injury. Traitor Dwaine Childs mustered all his strength and rolled a soft grounder to YAM at third, who made a perfect throw. Knowing he was meat at first, Dwaine, channeling A-Rod, actually slapped the ball out of my hand, earning the nickname Slappy McDwaineRod. Of course, Brooke thought it was funny.

So what do I do to enhance my marriage now, people? Drawing on my threat to exercise my right to simultaneously keep four wives, Brooke came up with an idea for a bumper sticker. The words are hers, and the design is mine. If sports don’t bring you closer, try making fun of each other. It works for us.