Bian Pao: Week 7 Goes Boom

The blaring horns, ubiquitous fireworks and general euphoria that started early Saturday might have seemed like a natural reaction to the Traitors' big win over the Nomads on Friday, but we're not that big just yet. It had a little to do with Iraq's soccer team winning the Asia Cup by defeating Saudi Arabia in the final. (We have confirmed that the US National Soccer Team was standing by to rescue the Saudis from the Iraqis once again, but the refs wouldn't go for it.)

Anyway, Iraqi fans should not celebrate in such a loud manner unless the other team is executed after (or preferably, during) the game. Call me old-fashioned.

Bigger than either the Asia Cup or Traitors-Nomads were the Tawjihi Celebrations. For those unfamiliar with local customs here in Jordan, the Tawjihi Celebrations mark the time between when students stop cheating and plagiarizing in high school and the time they start cheating and plagiarizing in college. Typical displays of joy include:

-Applying firm pressure on the car horn until the battery dies.
-Being unreasonably optimistic about your financial future.
-Setting off fireworks (Note: indoors).
-Seeing which person can peck the other's cheek the most times before switching your sexual preference.
-Drinking shot after shot of Mafraq's tap water until you soil your pants.

Enough about Tawjihi and Soccer. Let's talk about the other games. You know, the ones which matter.

Alberto Asks the Stars to Say Hello to His Li'l Friend

Tooth + Mallet + Jack Daniel's = Play Ball.

Alberto Santiago returned to Slogway Park after his horrific injury, and he helped his Beats to an easy win over the Stars, who Karma continues to punish for not cleaning up their infant's dugout mess.

Alberto's stint on the disabled list consisted of the time it took him to walk out to his car after the incident last week, where he took a mallet and pounded that tooth back in its place. He then let out a grunt of satisfaction, guzzled some Jack Daniel's, cracked his neck, and returned to the field. Total time: three minutes. The Nomads were just lucky that the episode took place so late in the game. He wanted back in.

Sluggos Get Help, Spank Bling Bling

It took seven weeks, but The Greatest finally hit the Slogs.

Perhaps it was done in a drunken stupor, but Bling Bling had the Sluggos on the ropes before the game even started. Caught short-handed, the Sluggos requested to have another team's player fill in on their team. Bling said OK. Then they saw who the player was: the Beats' Javier "Gunny" Diaz. Bling thought twice. Yvette Martin promised to have Gunny bat only as a lefty. Bling said OK.

This decision was like agreeing to fight Muhammad Ali in his prime, but only if he promised to limit his punches to your face. The Sluggos rolled, and the Blingz cost themselves that precious first win.

Crowd in Awe at Silent Slackers. So Where's Willy?

The Slackers assess Willy's absence.

A handful of Eagles were off hobnobbing with Hollywood's elite, so the Slackers had a pretty easy win on Friday. This game had major implications for the tournament, because if the two second-place teams stay where they are in the standings, the Slackers would get the #3 seed, while the All-Blacks would have to settle for #4.

The Slackers were so well-behaved, even the Team Mom was flabbergasted. Apparently, they've identified the culprit in their temper tantrums as Walid "Willy" Abu Hassan, who was missing from the game. If that's how they really feel, then co-conspirator (and the guy who was let off the hook), Rocky Abushaar, should send him a big bouquet of flowers and a tall stack of Luigi's pizzas.

BlingNation Scares the Shout Out of Slackers

Bling Bling showed glimpses of their potential against the Slackers.

The women of Bling Bling are a mysterious bunch. As best as we can tell, there are four of them, but only one has bothered to show up every week, and that's Susanna Sawalha.

The inability to play with 10 fielders--and that automatic out for missing a woman--probably cost Bling Bling a win last week against the Beats, and it certainly was a factor in their Week 6 matchup against the Slackers, at least early on.

Bling came out swinging in the first inning and bloodied some Slacker lip with five runs, actually holding a lead through two innings. The stellar play of Blingtosser Saif Barhoum and some lively bats put a real scare into Bargo's Screamin' Burtuqalis.

The Orange never really got into a rhythm until the final inning, when they put the game out of reach with 11 runs. Bling could have used some help from those missing players, especially the women, one of whom had the excuse of a dead car, while another was apparently still drinking from the night before. The third was helping her neighbors make kubbeh.

And through all these tough times, where is the Blingcaptain, Neal Zureikat? We have it on good authority that he's in Orlando, waiting on his custom-fit Mickey Mouse hat to arrive.

Beats Snag A Win, End Hunger Strike

The Beats can finally be called winners. Not that we were calling them losers or anything. It's just been tough to watch, that's all. But they did lose on Friday. (I'm just sayin'.) In the first game of a double-header, the Slackers got out some frustration from the Jordan Cup game and feasted on some Beats Meat. In the second game, against a quickly improving Bling Bling team, the Beats did just enough to win. Of course, they were helped by the automatic out Blingball had to take every time their missing female's turn came up in the batting order, but a win is a win. The tying runner should have been up to bat with two outs in the top of the 6th inning, but that auto-out ended the game right there. When it was pointed out to Blingcap Jawad Dabbas that his team may have won the game had they fielded the required two women, his response was classic: "That's the story of my life. I always need just one more woman." The good news for Beats captain Marikay Satryano is that her team finally let her have a meal. Here she is, breaking her fast...

My Wife Beans Me (And Bling Crushes The Traitors)

Last Friday, some of the Polyphonic Blingtones joined half the Nomads and Slackers to watch Tessio beg to be let off the hook. (You know, for old times’ sake.) The Gatoradin’ Traitors were in town, so a game had to be played. Orrince, YAM, Kristin, Gunny and I jumped over to BlingNation. The battle was afoot.

I’ll spare you the suspense. Bling Bling won this game. Were it not for the small technicality of Bling’s forfeit, you would all see a big fat “1” in the Traitors’ loss column. It was a blowout. We stopped keeping score after it was 27-0 in the 3rd inning.

Kinzi over at "my treasure" is digging up ideas on “how playing sports together can enhance your marriage.” She was kind enough to link to the thrilling, back-to-back Taweel homers, but I’m here today to speak the truth—not some four bag fantasy.

My wife plays for the Traitors, and she was patrolling second base during this game. I hit a grounder and Brooke tried to turn two. She threw one of her laser throws that went wide and hit me in the leg…five feet after I was safe at first. It left a nasty bruise. How’s that for an enhanced marriage?

Perhaps Brooke did this in retaliation for an incident that occurred during the previous inning. She hit what looked to be a single to left, but being a Traitor, she tried to take the extra base against a weaker opponent. Manning first base in my manly manner, I stopped her. She put up a fight. I carried her back to first. (Told ya I'm manly.)

You see, Brooke’s family has entrusted me with her safety. Second base is dangerous. It’s out there in the middle of nothing, all square and white and dusty. I did not want my wife to fall victim to some nefarious plot. So I saved her and brought her back to the taupe-level security of first base. See what a good guy I am?

Not only did I get rewarded for my heroic deed with a beaning, but one of Brooke’s teammates later added insult to my injury. Traitor Dwaine Childs mustered all his strength and rolled a soft grounder to YAM at third, who made a perfect throw. Knowing he was meat at first, Dwaine, channeling A-Rod, actually slapped the ball out of my hand, earning the nickname Slappy McDwaineRod. Of course, Brooke thought it was funny.

So what do I do to enhance my marriage now, people? Drawing on my threat to exercise my right to simultaneously keep four wives, Brooke came up with an idea for a bumper sticker. The words are hers, and the design is mine. If sports don’t bring you closer, try making fun of each other. It works for us.

Stranded Nomads seek the company of Wilson

An eyewitness said this game definitely gave the fans in the stands their money’s worth. (It’s free admission…get it?)

The good news for Bling Bling is that they kept the game surprisingly close. The impending arrival of their uniforms should make up the difference in future games, because it’s all about how good you look out there.

Aside from the first inning, the Nomads stranded a steaming heap of base runners, failing to take advantage of their many scoring chances. They may think they got an easy win, but others are looking at this game as having exposed some serious chinks in the Tribe’s armor. Are the Nomads merely playing down to their competition, or are they a flawed team?

Next week, the Sluggos, who will be very angry, will answer that question when they face Massarweh’s ‘Mads. Ziggy and Schwa have been burning the phone lines to their bookies, with the smart money on the Sluggos.

Here's some game action from the first inning, with the bases loaded for Shukri Saleh:

Blinger left scratching his head after Shukri's deep fly ball scores four runs.

I’ve got blisters on my fingers: Nomads @ Bling Bling

1:30 PM (90F/32C)
Umps: Traitors

Now that my calluses have disintegrated into my keyboard, we get to the final game of the day. Nomads’ captain Omar Massarweh remained strong and silent about the game, while Neal Zureikat was cordial and sportsmanlike on behalf of his Bling.

Yawn.

At least we have the unveiling of Schwa & Ziggy's picks, exclusively for this game:


Ziggy's Pick: Bling Bling

"Ooh, Bling. I can has shiny stuff, pls?"






Schwa's Pick: Nomads

"They're all red. Are they meat? Can I snack on them?"





Aside from the excitement of our cats' picks, there was some breakin' news involving the Nomads that needed fixin' right quick.

When Traitor Kevin Rowlson, the George Steinbrenner of Amman Softball League, expressed interest in acquiring the services of his former teammate, perennial basher and current Nomad Shukri Saleh, the League had to get to the bottom of these nefarious trickerations.

“I shot that birdie down,” replied Omar Massarweh within seconds. “My #10 is staying put.”

Kevin was too busy backpedaling to the shores of his Evil Emirate to comment. He was last seen trying to steal insulin from diabetics so he could trade it in for this darling orange bracelet that would just totally go with his outfit—er, uniform.

NEWS FLASH: We hear from reliable sources that Kevin is asking female members of his team how long they think it would take for his hair to grow out enough for him to wear a scrunchy on the field. UPDATE: We have been able to confirm that the scrunchy in question is more of a “bow thingy,” and that it is, in fact, orange:

And that’s what you get for trying to steal other teams’ players.

On a happy note for the Bling-It-Ons (Oh, it’s been bloughten), they have been bailed out of umpiring duties. Replied an ecstatic Neal, “[We] appreciate not having to ump. We took a lot of heat last game, literally.”

I hadn’t noticed, but then again, I never do.

Nomads Blank Stars; Eagles Take Shine Off Bling

There were a couple of blowouts in Week 2. The Nomads had their way with the Stars, and the Eagles easily handled Bling Bling. Shukri Saleh went yard for the 'Mads, then the Eagles' Tom Manning unveiled a pitch that was so good, it may be illegal. Aside from efficient offenses for both winning teams, the Nomads and Eagles displayed the same tough defenses which dominated their Week 1 game. Blingtopia and the Stars scored less than a broke Trekkie does. The bright note, though, was the positive attitudes the Stars and Bling Bling demonstrated. The two teams joined ASL to have fun, and they didn’t let anything bring them down. Cheers for that, and a big personal thanks from me.