Bian Pao: Week 7 Goes Boom

The blaring horns, ubiquitous fireworks and general euphoria that started early Saturday might have seemed like a natural reaction to the Traitors' big win over the Nomads on Friday, but we're not that big just yet. It had a little to do with Iraq's soccer team winning the Asia Cup by defeating Saudi Arabia in the final. (We have confirmed that the US National Soccer Team was standing by to rescue the Saudis from the Iraqis once again, but the refs wouldn't go for it.)

Anyway, Iraqi fans should not celebrate in such a loud manner unless the other team is executed after (or preferably, during) the game. Call me old-fashioned.

Bigger than either the Asia Cup or Traitors-Nomads were the Tawjihi Celebrations. For those unfamiliar with local customs here in Jordan, the Tawjihi Celebrations mark the time between when students stop cheating and plagiarizing in high school and the time they start cheating and plagiarizing in college. Typical displays of joy include:

-Applying firm pressure on the car horn until the battery dies.
-Being unreasonably optimistic about your financial future.
-Setting off fireworks (Note: indoors).
-Seeing which person can peck the other's cheek the most times before switching your sexual preference.
-Drinking shot after shot of Mafraq's tap water until you soil your pants.

Enough about Tawjihi and Soccer. Let's talk about the other games. You know, the ones which matter.

Alberto Asks the Stars to Say Hello to His Li'l Friend

Tooth + Mallet + Jack Daniel's = Play Ball.

Alberto Santiago returned to Slogway Park after his horrific injury, and he helped his Beats to an easy win over the Stars, who Karma continues to punish for not cleaning up their infant's dugout mess.

Alberto's stint on the disabled list consisted of the time it took him to walk out to his car after the incident last week, where he took a mallet and pounded that tooth back in its place. He then let out a grunt of satisfaction, guzzled some Jack Daniel's, cracked his neck, and returned to the field. Total time: three minutes. The Nomads were just lucky that the episode took place so late in the game. He wanted back in.

Sluggos Get Help, Spank Bling Bling

It took seven weeks, but The Greatest finally hit the Slogs.

Perhaps it was done in a drunken stupor, but Bling Bling had the Sluggos on the ropes before the game even started. Caught short-handed, the Sluggos requested to have another team's player fill in on their team. Bling said OK. Then they saw who the player was: the Beats' Javier "Gunny" Diaz. Bling thought twice. Yvette Martin promised to have Gunny bat only as a lefty. Bling said OK.

This decision was like agreeing to fight Muhammad Ali in his prime, but only if he promised to limit his punches to your face. The Sluggos rolled, and the Blingz cost themselves that precious first win.

Crowd in Awe at Silent Slackers. So Where's Willy?

The Slackers assess Willy's absence.

A handful of Eagles were off hobnobbing with Hollywood's elite, so the Slackers had a pretty easy win on Friday. This game had major implications for the tournament, because if the two second-place teams stay where they are in the standings, the Slackers would get the #3 seed, while the All-Blacks would have to settle for #4.

The Slackers were so well-behaved, even the Team Mom was flabbergasted. Apparently, they've identified the culprit in their temper tantrums as Walid "Willy" Abu Hassan, who was missing from the game. If that's how they really feel, then co-conspirator (and the guy who was let off the hook), Rocky Abushaar, should send him a big bouquet of flowers and a tall stack of Luigi's pizzas.

Blame It on the Falafel: Eagles Sweep Double-Header

Ben Roberson fled Jordan after his Falafel Coup succeeded.

Take some chickpeas, herbs and spices. Ball 'em up. Deep fry. Consume.

Then suffer the consequences.

That's what happened to several Stars and all of the Sluggos on Friday, July 20th. The two teams were scheduled to play against the Eagles in the All-Blacks' double-header, but the copious amounts of falafel which the missing players scarfed down the night before gave the hosts an easy sweep. The wins put the Eagles just a half-game behind the Division of Labor leaders, the Nomads, with three weeks to go in the regular season.

Reports are sketchy at this stage, but we have confirmed that one overzealous Sluggo went outside in the early morning hours to "air himself out," only to blast off to Uganda. Surviving him are six distraught teammates and one ringing cell phone.

Furthermore, our sources inside the Amman Stock Exchange reveal to us that one Eagle, Ben Roberson, is the silent (but deadly) majority owner of Abu Jbara Restaurants. It is no coincidence, therefore, that Eagles captain Tom Manning announced Ben's abrupt departure from Jordan. We like Ben's tactics, and we like his hair, so we'll just wish him good luck in his new life on the run.

Stars Bring The Filth, Lose to Sluggos

The Stars lost to the Sluggos last Friday. It was Orrince's last game, and it was another blowout. There's your recap. Now on to more interesting developments.

That's nice. We're all very proud of you.

That one would lay a false claim to the monarchy in this country is a discussion for some other time. Let's stick to the act itself:

Vandalizing Amman Little League Association's complex is downright disgusting. You live in this country. Please don't bring more filth into it. ALLA offers sports for kids (and now adults) at very reasonable prices. Please don't bring your filth into its grounds. Khaled, the ALLA guard, does not get paid to clean up after you. Please don't bring your filth to him.

I have a recommendation: Get that cleaned up and looking like it was never there.

For the rest of the recaps from Friday the 13th's games, clickity here.

Inter-Division Games That Were Played

Leave Your Little James Alone: It's Tessio Time!

There's only one Tessio.

Tessio from The Godfather (or maybe some other guy) grabbed all his CDs and went to Petra last weekend. He played other people's music through some speakers and a whole mess of Arabs and foreigners paid to listen. From what I hear, everyone was on in ecstasy the whole time.

Which brings us to the Nomads and Sluggos. Some Nomads decided to hang out with Abe Vigoda, while the Sluggos showed up to play softball. Sluggos won, and it wasn’t close.

Orrince and Omar Massarweh got into a heated discussion about the game, and their comments had to be deleted. The Slogs do not tolerate talk of each other’s naughty parts, especially between two men.

Stars Picked Off, Not Ticked Off

Tuck that shirt in Abu Mitchell -- the Ump's watchin'!

With my reputation as the Rules Enforcer, the highlight of the Slackers-Stars game was the Stars runner at first being "tagged out" during a courtesy runner switch. The ump hadn't quite called time yet. And the out was actually upheld. Man, that's harsh...and unprecedented. Was Karma watching?

The Slackers are now undefeated in their sexy new uniforms (and beautiful matching hats). The Traitors' Kevin is jealous. He was overheard asking the Slackers where they got those hats. This might get ugly.

For the Stars, they continue to have fun, and they must be looking forward to the re-match against Bling Bling on August 10. But at least the Taweels, Reem and Saed, can claim the SlogsCenter Highlight of the Week for the Twinklers.

Beats Close, but No Argilah

One of the Beats left his glasses behind...in disgust?

Down two runs, with two men boys on and no outs, in the bottom of the 6th inning, the Eagles' Gary Bonifas came through with...what should have been an out. But his high fly to shallow right turned into a single, then a double, then a triple...and finally, a walk-off four-bagger. So Karma was watching, after all.

Such is life in the Beats camp these days. They had battled the Eagles valiantly for what should have been their first win of the year. But it wasn't meant to be.

Here's some advice from your Uncle Mude: Do not mess with the Beats. Most of them have diplomatic immunity. That means they can kill you and, like, totally get away with it. Someone please let them win so we can all live in peace.

Don’t mess with the bull, young lady. You’ll get the jalapenos.

This wasn’t the game anyone thought it would be. After an inning-and-a-half, the score was tied at one. One Traitor was then heard saying, “We’ve got ourselves a game.” But another Traitor dug deep into the Rules of Softball and discovered that the object of the game is to score runs while preventing the other team from doing the same.

Close game early: Ali Lejlic nails Ash Samawi at home.

And so an eight-run 2nd inning, followed by six in the 3rd (with nothing much in between for the Sluggos) was pretty much all it took for the Traitors to snap up an unexpectedly easy win. With it, the Gatorades took early control of the Long Division.

Swing-and-a-miss: Orrince's hat is cool.

Oh yeah, the call. Prior to the game, the ump (Note: ‘twas I) gave pre-game instructions to the pitchers and captains of both teams. He told them to yell and scream all they wanted, to ridicule the ump as they saw fit, and not to hold back their emotions. The only line in the sand was to not interfere with calls made by the umps. Just don’t make calls, not from the dugout, defense or base coaches. Those calls will be overturned and will go against you for interfering.

Wouldn’t you know, in the bottom of the 4th, your Uncle Mude found himself leaning against Dante’s Furnace. Brooke Sartawi (Note: my wife) failed to get back to first in time and was doubled up on a fly ball. That should have been the third out of the inning, but someone (I’m not saying it was Orrince) yelled “Out!” from the Sluggos dugout before the base ump could make the call.

Not even close: Brooke Sartawi would have been out at first.

Why me? Anyway, the inning went on. (But it would’ve been nice had the Traitors been good sports and just given up an easy out.) The three runs the Traitors put up in that inning had no effect on the game, as the Sluggos themselves stated. Later that night, however, I could hear a bunch of guys at a poker game insulting every member of my family, in vivid detail, from clear across town. Guys, leave my maternal great-great-uncle out of this, eh? The only thing he associated with “soft ball” was labaneh.

After the game, but before the Mude Haters Poker Club convened, I witnessed an event that changed me forever. Sluggo Orrince fed his baby daughter a jalapeno. She cried and cried. He laughed and laughed. Why would he do this to his own adorable baby? Because he can. I will never cross him again.

On a lighter note, here's Kevin Rowlson, taking his punishment like a, um...man...sorta:

So that’s what kissing your sister is like…

Brother killing brother for the profit of another
Game point: Nobody wins
- “Empire” by Queensryche

Cain kills Abel

One step. That was the difference. One more step, and Laith Abushaar would have scored the winning run. As it happened, though, he was thrown out on a perfect relay and tag at home. So the Slackers and Sluggos tied, 25-25, after 8 grueling innings of playing in near-100-degree weather.

We won’t harp on the “Slack on Slack violence” that seems to plague the Burtuqalis, but it is worth mentioning. The step that Laith needed wasn’t lost because he was slow, or tripped, or ran out of gas. It was his hesitation, for just a second, that cost his team the game. Slackers’ 3rd base coach Walid Abu Hassan was sending him all the way. But the runner hesitated because his entire dugout disagreed with Walid—vocally. Laith heard the screams, stutter-stepped, then went for it.

Had his team kept quiet and let the coach do his thing, the Slackers would still be celebrating a rousing victory. They came back from 8 runs down in the bottom of the 6th to force extra innings, then held the Sluggos scoreless for two innings. Not easy to do. Some may hold the winning run at 3rd with only one out, but the way that game was going, I would have sent Laith home, too.

Update, 7:38 PM: I'm really upset about this whole tie thing. Just look at the standings, in the upper-right of the main page. No symmetry. How is an artiste supposed to abide? You have nice, neat columns everywhere else, and then BOOM, like a big, boiling, oozing zit on a pretty girl's face: this result ruins it all.