Bian Pao: Week 7 Goes Boom

The blaring horns, ubiquitous fireworks and general euphoria that started early Saturday might have seemed like a natural reaction to the Traitors' big win over the Nomads on Friday, but we're not that big just yet. It had a little to do with Iraq's soccer team winning the Asia Cup by defeating Saudi Arabia in the final. (We have confirmed that the US National Soccer Team was standing by to rescue the Saudis from the Iraqis once again, but the refs wouldn't go for it.)

Anyway, Iraqi fans should not celebrate in such a loud manner unless the other team is executed after (or preferably, during) the game. Call me old-fashioned.

Bigger than either the Asia Cup or Traitors-Nomads were the Tawjihi Celebrations. For those unfamiliar with local customs here in Jordan, the Tawjihi Celebrations mark the time between when students stop cheating and plagiarizing in high school and the time they start cheating and plagiarizing in college. Typical displays of joy include:

-Applying firm pressure on the car horn until the battery dies.
-Being unreasonably optimistic about your financial future.
-Setting off fireworks (Note: indoors).
-Seeing which person can peck the other's cheek the most times before switching your sexual preference.
-Drinking shot after shot of Mafraq's tap water until you soil your pants.

Enough about Tawjihi and Soccer. Let's talk about the other games. You know, the ones which matter.

Alberto Asks the Stars to Say Hello to His Li'l Friend

Tooth + Mallet + Jack Daniel's = Play Ball.

Alberto Santiago returned to Slogway Park after his horrific injury, and he helped his Beats to an easy win over the Stars, who Karma continues to punish for not cleaning up their infant's dugout mess.

Alberto's stint on the disabled list consisted of the time it took him to walk out to his car after the incident last week, where he took a mallet and pounded that tooth back in its place. He then let out a grunt of satisfaction, guzzled some Jack Daniel's, cracked his neck, and returned to the field. Total time: three minutes. The Nomads were just lucky that the episode took place so late in the game. He wanted back in.

Sluggos Get Help, Spank Bling Bling

It took seven weeks, but The Greatest finally hit the Slogs.

Perhaps it was done in a drunken stupor, but Bling Bling had the Sluggos on the ropes before the game even started. Caught short-handed, the Sluggos requested to have another team's player fill in on their team. Bling said OK. Then they saw who the player was: the Beats' Javier "Gunny" Diaz. Bling thought twice. Yvette Martin promised to have Gunny bat only as a lefty. Bling said OK.

This decision was like agreeing to fight Muhammad Ali in his prime, but only if he promised to limit his punches to your face. The Sluggos rolled, and the Blingz cost themselves that precious first win.

Crowd in Awe at Silent Slackers. So Where's Willy?

The Slackers assess Willy's absence.

A handful of Eagles were off hobnobbing with Hollywood's elite, so the Slackers had a pretty easy win on Friday. This game had major implications for the tournament, because if the two second-place teams stay where they are in the standings, the Slackers would get the #3 seed, while the All-Blacks would have to settle for #4.

The Slackers were so well-behaved, even the Team Mom was flabbergasted. Apparently, they've identified the culprit in their temper tantrums as Walid "Willy" Abu Hassan, who was missing from the game. If that's how they really feel, then co-conspirator (and the guy who was let off the hook), Rocky Abushaar, should send him a big bouquet of flowers and a tall stack of Luigi's pizzas.

Nomads Top Beats, Eye Traitors

Some good news for the Beats: They get the honor of having the SlogsCenter Highlight of the Week. Here's Nomad Shukri Saleh, getting oopsed up between 3rd and home...

The rest of the game was brutal, and I'm not just talking about the score. The Nomads topped the Beats to set up a showdown for league supremacy against the undefeated Traitors next Friday, but the real story was the injury suffered by the Beats' Alberto Santiago.

On a single to right field, Alberto had just passed first base when the laser of a throw came in. Alberto wasn't aware of the throw, which was rather unusual for an outfield single, and it met his mouth. The sound of the impact was sickening, and the scene afterward was a bloody mess.

Freeze, re-use, enjoy? I don't think so: Alberto's recovered tooth.

The good news is that our crack archaeologists found the tooth in the sand and Alberto had it put right back in (Note: Not at the field). A few stitches in his lip, and he'll be back on the field in no time, donning his Yankees cap and giving his opponents hell. And in his honor, the Beats put up an impressive six runs in the final inning.

The right-fielder who threw the ball, known here only as Li'l Massarweh, had his name sent by the US Embassy to Homeland Security. He is now atop the Most Wanted Terrorists list. Good luck getting back to school in the States.

Be careful out there, Sloggers. It's a mad. mad world.

Beats Snag A Win, End Hunger Strike

The Beats can finally be called winners. Not that we were calling them losers or anything. It's just been tough to watch, that's all. But they did lose on Friday. (I'm just sayin'.) In the first game of a double-header, the Slackers got out some frustration from the Jordan Cup game and feasted on some Beats Meat. In the second game, against a quickly improving Bling Bling team, the Beats did just enough to win. Of course, they were helped by the automatic out Blingball had to take every time their missing female's turn came up in the batting order, but a win is a win. The tying runner should have been up to bat with two outs in the top of the 6th inning, but that auto-out ended the game right there. When it was pointed out to Blingcap Jawad Dabbas that his team may have won the game had they fielded the required two women, his response was classic: "That's the story of my life. I always need just one more woman." The good news for Beats captain Marikay Satryano is that her team finally let her have a meal. Here she is, breaking her fast...

Inter-Division Games That Were Played

Leave Your Little James Alone: It's Tessio Time!

There's only one Tessio.

Tessio from The Godfather (or maybe some other guy) grabbed all his CDs and went to Petra last weekend. He played other people's music through some speakers and a whole mess of Arabs and foreigners paid to listen. From what I hear, everyone was on in ecstasy the whole time.

Which brings us to the Nomads and Sluggos. Some Nomads decided to hang out with Abe Vigoda, while the Sluggos showed up to play softball. Sluggos won, and it wasn’t close.

Orrince and Omar Massarweh got into a heated discussion about the game, and their comments had to be deleted. The Slogs do not tolerate talk of each other’s naughty parts, especially between two men.

Stars Picked Off, Not Ticked Off

Tuck that shirt in Abu Mitchell -- the Ump's watchin'!

With my reputation as the Rules Enforcer, the highlight of the Slackers-Stars game was the Stars runner at first being "tagged out" during a courtesy runner switch. The ump hadn't quite called time yet. And the out was actually upheld. Man, that's harsh...and unprecedented. Was Karma watching?

The Slackers are now undefeated in their sexy new uniforms (and beautiful matching hats). The Traitors' Kevin is jealous. He was overheard asking the Slackers where they got those hats. This might get ugly.

For the Stars, they continue to have fun, and they must be looking forward to the re-match against Bling Bling on August 10. But at least the Taweels, Reem and Saed, can claim the SlogsCenter Highlight of the Week for the Twinklers.

Beats Close, but No Argilah

One of the Beats left his glasses behind...in disgust?

Down two runs, with two men boys on and no outs, in the bottom of the 6th inning, the Eagles' Gary Bonifas came through with...what should have been an out. But his high fly to shallow right turned into a single, then a double, then a triple...and finally, a walk-off four-bagger. So Karma was watching, after all.

Such is life in the Beats camp these days. They had battled the Eagles valiantly for what should have been their first win of the year. But it wasn't meant to be.

Here's some advice from your Uncle Mude: Do not mess with the Beats. Most of them have diplomatic immunity. That means they can kill you and, like, totally get away with it. Someone please let them win so we can all live in peace.

Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak.

Revenge!
- K-k-k-Ken

Beat the beats, the beats you beat
The only thing harder's the smell of my feet
- “I’m The Man” by Anthrax

Revenge is a dish best served after it simmers for 119 days.

Everything went the Slackers’ way on Friday, as they avenged last season’s collapse against the Beats. As promised, they didn’t kill themselves by issuing walks and didn’t kill each other by…well, not killing each other.

Laughing off the Traitors' lame attempts at using orange in their uniforms, the Slackers unveiled their new threads with style--and a new commitment to teamwork and a mostly chilled out attitude. The Beats showed up in their Goodwill best, having threatened Winner's with a surgical airstrike after botching their uniforms order. (I'd stay away from the Jabr Complex if I were you.)

Speedy Daniel Rubenstein scores in the 1st inning for the Beats.

This was a tight game early on, 7-4 in favor of the Slackers after three innings. But a scoreless top-half of the 4th for the Beats, followed by a ten-run Slackers outburst in the home half, effectively put the game out of reach.

And they looked good doing it: Slackers tolerant after win.

The women of the Slackers kept rallies going on offense, as is their habit, and played effective defense. On the other side, Gunny Diaz continued to make his case for League MVP, driving in teammates Todd Cyril and Rofelio Grinston with his sixth-inning triple. (In case you hadn't noticed, that's our video highlight of the week. Much more of that going forward.)

Beats capitana Marikay Satryano is tired of losing, but she kept it all in perspective by reminding herself that this is all being done for a great cause. Will shaking up her lineup cure her on-field blues?

The next meeting between the Beats and Slackers will be on July 13th at noon. Next week, the Slackers drop in on the Stars, and the Beats say hello to the Eagles.

Umm…Somebody wanna go get that ball?

In his first game back with the Beats, Javier “Gunny” Diaz went Quadrangular. And it wasn’t one of those cheap, single-and-advance-to-home-on-errors home runs, either.

No, it was a Roy Hobbsian light-buster that forced ASL to tear away a bunch of old ladies from their sewing machines. They kindly laid out all of their tape measures end to end to give us a distance of 330 feet. That’s the longest in ASL history.

Ball Go Far

Eiad Zoubi, outfielder for the Traitors, didn’t even bother putting out his cigarette* to give chase.

Your footnote: Kevin “Orange Shoelius” Rowlson, victimized pitcher. At least his team won the game. Traitors 21, Beats 12.

* With Eiad as our inspiration, we proudly announce Argilahs in the Outfield Café. If you’d like some coffee, tea or ice-cold beverage to go with your smokes while playing the outfield, just give us a holler. And of course, argilahs come in a variety of flavors. Note: An argilah is a shishah, or hubbly bubbly, or (tobacco) hookah.