Craziest Day In ASL History

WARNING: Some of this post is Adult Swim. To the easily offended, please go away.

Maher Abu Arja gave it his all.

Such a grand post title, but the men & women of this league sure as heck justified it on Friday, July 11, 2008. This marvelous day deserves a record-breaking entry.

All three games featured last-inning comebacks. That's never happened before. Even more remarkable was that in all three games, it was the visiting team which came back and won. Roll film...

JoSox 24, Nomads 14
(Disclosure: I am the captain of the JoSox.)

Wait, Uncle Mude. That doesn't look like a close game! I never said "close games" -- I said "comebacks." But this game was close early, with the JoSox clinging to a 6-5 lead heading into the bottom of the 4th. That's when the Nomads flexed some desert muscle and piled up nine runs. Nine of the ten-strong bedouin batters reached base in the frame, with brand-new papa Eiad Zoubi doing so twice. The Green Sox of Jordan could only respond with two runs, but held the 'Mads scoreless in the bottom of the 5th. 14-8, Nomads lead, after five.

And that was when the hammer remembered it was the hammer, and the nail remembered it was the nail. Working from the top of the order in their 6th and final inning, the first nine JoSox batters reached base, then the first out came, then it was back to the bases-loaded carousel, with the next four hitters reaching base. During that run, the JoSox hit just two doubles. Aside from two walks, the rest were all singles. JoSox were suddenly up 16-14, and the bases were loaded. Bleed them to death.

Now, you may have missed all the give, the give back, and give some more going on in the days leading up to this game. Let's just say this game meant a lot to JoSox Shukri Saleh and friend-turned-adversary-but-still-friend, Nomad Omar Massarweh. I mentioned the bases were loaded, right? Did I mention Shukri was up to bat?

As two-time ASL home run champ, Shuk may have the reputation as a brash, me-first guy. Not true. He is extremely coachable and a good teammate. He always asks for the "green light" to swing for the fences, and hasn't made it a habit, either on the Sox or when he was a Green Monster, to do so on his own. On his way to his final at-bat against the Nomads, the following exchange took place:

Shuk: "Hey, Mude. Should I go?"
Mude: "Wouldn't be a bad idea."
Shuk: "Brooke, feel like running?"
Brooke, on 3rd base, simply smiles.

16-14 JoSox, bases loaded, 18 km/h wind blowing in from left field. Shukri Saleh channeled the frustrations of the previous two seasons into the rarest gem of this magnificent game: the easy power of a perfect swing. The ball kissed off the bat toward left field at a an arc low enough for the fielders below to be mocked by its travel plans. Like a beautiful girl from a poor, third-world family getting a visa to some far-off, exotic land of opportunity, the ball whistled its way over the heads of the shell-shocked Nomads, as if to say, "I'm getting the hell out of here, and you can't do a damn thing about it."

Grand Slam. Against his old team. And he called it.

There was no fight left in the Nomads. Their home half of the 6th was marked by the seductive comfort of knowing one's place in the world: Nail, meet Hammer.

Notes: JoSox Ali Lejlic and Ash Samawi each went 5-for-5 in the game. Brooke Sartawi is the lucky charm, having never lost to the Nomads. Khaled Rihani of the Nomads went 4-for-4 with 3 runs. Nomads pitcher Saad Kurdi faced 54 batters and walked only 4 (and hit 3-for-4 in the game).

JoSox 12, Bezzig & Lezzig 6

This game started as the evil twin of last season's 4U2NV shocker over the Green Monsters. With the scions of those teams facing off, and with the B & L crew spitting & sticking their way to an early 6-0 lead, it was all just a little bit of history repeating.

But the Green Monsters were most likely drunk that leap day, as usual, and the JoSox had a couple of 4U2NV's secret weapons on their side in starting pitcher Neal Zureikat, who held the Jury-Riggers scoreless after the six-run outburst, and in catcher Maha Swais, who was perfect at the plate and scored the winning run.

You know what? To Jahannam with all that. Let's talk about Maher Abu Arja. Pitching against the two guys who tied for the Home Run Crown last season, Maher allowed Javier "Gunny" Diaz and Shukri Saleh only a single apiece in a combined six plate appearances. Batting in front of those two? The guy who tied for second in the homer race, Ash Samawi. Facing those odds, Maher allowed only six runs on his watch to the JoSox. That's a guy with beidat the size of Saturn right there.

A little background on Young Maher. When he first joined ASL a couple of seasons ago, Maher didn't know how to hold a bat, let alone swing it. His plate appearances were easy comedy, the softball equivalent of "That's what she said" jokes. After striking out a few times on swings that could best be described as Alfonso Soriano getting hit by the short bus, he took a liking to striking out looking. Saved time. On defense, however, his game could best be described by imagining a near-sighted virgin on a prom date with Jenna Jameson. "The equipment before me looks to be of a professional grade," Maher would think to himself, "but I'm not sure what to do with it." A lot of jumping and diving into the wrong places ensued.

Here's the thing, though: Maher loves baseball. He loves to watch the game and track its stats. And he desperately wants to be good at it. So he watches MLB games, many with 2 AM local start times, savoring every nuance of the sport. He downloads videos on batting techniques. He picks the brains of the more experienced players in ASL. And he practices with the devotion of a chanting monk. And it's all paying off, not just with his pitching, which is the rarest of talents in our league, but with his hitting as well. He went 3-for-3 in this game, including his first ever double, and he scored 33% of his team's runs.

On his third at-bat, Maher didn't hit the ball well, and he knew it. So he charged to first base to try to beat the throw, hurling himself at the bag in reckless desperation. He was safe by a hair, but then came the awful scream. Slamming his knee against the hard ground during the dive--and tearing off a chunk of skin--he held onto the base, lest he be tagged out (his head was still in the game), and asked for a time out. Unable to run, Maher was subbed for by a courtesy runner, and he limped off the field in obvious and severe pain.

Then he came back in and pitched to three batters in the next inning. I told you about the Saturn beidat. No joke. That was the gutsiest thing I've seen in our six seasons. No longer able to withstand the pain and not wanting to hurt his team with his immobility, Maher grudgingly left the game, still tied at six. The loss which followed was nobody's fault, but his injury is much more severe than we all feared. And for that, the Softball Gods are to blame. Give us back one of the truly good guys, you feckless overseers of the game. Damnit.

Get well soon, Maher.

Notes: Jeff Coupe went 4-for-4 during the game, which fell on his 49th 27th birthday. Happy Brithday, Coupe, and how'd that job interview go? Also, B & L's George Seagle is a helluva ballplayer. Tamy "Stitch" Goudian probably has the best set of batter's eyes in this league. Nobody lets the junk pitches go better than she does.

Slackers 14, Trojans 13

Some levity is needed, no? This game provided it. From the opening bell, your Slogger-in-Chief knew it was going to be a long day. It started off with a new Trojans player (Note: Can we agree to call all new Trojans "rubberlings"?) objected to nearly every call made by the ump (Follow-up Note: Me). Well, not every call. Just the ones that went against his team. Seems fair enough. The essence of his game-long position was this: Players who are obviously "out" should not be called out; they should be issued a warning instead. Hmmm...

Popped up into the waiting glove of an infielder? Give it another try, sport.

Missed home plate while trying to score? Go back and do it again, kiddo.

Struck out? Shucks, here's a warning for now, and the next strike will be the real strike three.

OK, strike four doesn't count, either. But strike five is the really real strike three.

I'm not bitter. Only amused. Making your point by arguing that this is not the World Series, yet arguing every play like it is the damned World Series, simply negates your point. You can look that up in one of those logic charts, I think. Anyway, there are no Mulligans in baseball & softball. Actually, there are a couple. They're called balls and strikes. Those are your warnings. But Rubberlings are awfully cute at that age, aren't they?

(Trivia: What is less than six pages long and carries the title "Amman Softball League: 2008 Rules" on its front page? Wait, did I just give away the answer?)

Now for the fun part. Here are some actual exchanges that occurred between the Slackers:

A player in the Slackers dugout was heckling his teammate during his at-bat. The batter asked for time, stepped out of the box, and told the heckler (his teammate) to "consume feces." This is now known as the "Kol Khara Timeout."

Karim Barghouti, one of the very few sane and rational Slackers, finally reached his breaking point. While on the mound and getting yelled at by one of his outfielders, Karim stepped off the rubber and loudly instructed the offending OFer to carefully place the part of his body which first tastes food into the part of Karim's body which excretes digested food. Then he stepped back on the rubber and threw a strike. This is now known as the "Human Bidet Challenge."

And an oldie but goodie:

Slacker 1 to Slacker 2: "I make reference to your maternal parent's reproductive area!"
Slacker 2 to Slacker 1: "I make reference to your maternal parent's reprodcutive area, you canine!"
Umpire to Slacker 3: "If someone said that to me, I'd kill him."
Slacker 3 to Umpire: "It's OK. They're brothers."

This is now known as the "Kaf Alef Brotherhood"

You can't make this stuff up. Back to the game with a recap: The Trojans were up 8-6 heading into the 6th inning. The visiting Slackers scored three to take a one-run lead, only to allow the Prophos the tying run in the bottom half. Extra inning. Yay. At least it was really hot and dusty out there.

The Slackers settled down in the 7th and put up five more runs. When the Trojans came up for their last shot at the game, they showed some serious heart by loading the bases and quickly bringing in a run. Bases still loaded for Jeff Sillin, who hit a towering Grand Slam against the Nomads in last season's tournament. Ball smoked to deep center. And around they go. One run, two runs, three runs score. The Slackers' lead was down to one, with Muscle Man Bashmaster Saif Barhoum up next and the tying run in the form of Jeff on third--wait, not on third, but rounding third!

The relay throw comes in just to the first-base side of home plate. Karim's in position. He fields it off the ground and dives across the plate to meet the speedy and sliding Jeff. The umpire's eight inches away as their bodies collide.

Out at home. Clean play.

And in the on-deck circle, Saif stood with the bat on his shoulder. Next time.

Monsters Slouch Towards Slogway Park

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
W.B. Yeats - The Second Coming

Green Monsters 21, Hit Squad 20

It's Holiday time, and your Slogger is feelin' apocalyptic. When an Amman Softball League team flies in a player from another country to play in one game against their hated rivals, you know the end is near. And when that player hits three home runs, including one out-of-the-park shot, and nearly carries his team to victory, you might as well assume that the end has already come.

Larry Martin dropped in from Baghdad, on his way back home to the US, making his dramatic return to ASL with those taters. All three of his Hit Squad rounders were hit at, near, or above my wife, the lovely Brooke Sartawi. Why so mean, Larry? Brooke did have the last laugh, though, as her team won, with Monsters shortstop Dan McEwan going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 6 RBI's. [Disclosure: I'm the Monsters co-captain, so I'll keep the game "commentary" to a minimum.]

Hit Squad were up 6-5 after the 1st inning and 12-7 after three. The Green Monsters went on a 14-2 run in the 4th & 5th to take a 21-14 lead, before holding on for the 21-20 win. Some key performers included Hit Squad's Ali Lejlic (4-4, IPHR) and Greenie Tom Manning (5-5, 2 3B's). Green Monsters are now tied for first place, while Hit Squad drop into a tie for third.

Hit Squad co-captain Mark McPherson is trying to get Larry back in town for the Tournament in March. The Monsters are all for it, but how funny would it be if he did move mountains to return, only to have that day's games get rained out? The over/under on the level of Funny is currently "Very," so place your bets.

Larry Martin and Nuri Al-Maliki, beer league buddies.

Larry tried to teach softball to his Iraqi counterparts, but I'm not sure they got it. Here are Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Al-Maliki's Top Ten Softball Tips:

10. Split your softball team into three autonomous teams; kill each other.
9. Send your players to a softball training camp. When they return, kill them.
8. Send 10% of your roster to other teams, thus driving up their cost of living.
7. Buy a Mercedes for each of your players, then claim poverty and have the other teams pay your entry fee.
6. Replace 1st base with a land mine. If your base coach gets hurt, blame Iran.
5. When one of your players reaches 2nd base, issue a statement claiming victory is at hand.
4. When he's thrown out at 3rd, blame Syria.
3. Allow your fans to rush the field during the game and attack your opponent with bats. But to show you're really a good sport, allow each attacker to carry only one bat.
2. Claim your opponent's score is exaggerated because the scorekeeper cannot possibly know the reality of of how softball affects you.
1. If all else fails, blame Kurret al-Qaeda.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you…The Beats @ Slackers

10:30 AM (85F/29C)
Umps: Stars

It’s History Week here at Amman Softball League. I’m here to tell you about the game known as “The Miracle On Sand Part II, Miracle Sandier.” My personal recollections of most of that game are vague, as I was busy umping it. (And everyone knows I don’t pay attention to the game when I ump.)

The last time the Slackers and Beats played against each other, it was the penultimate week of the 2007 Winter regular season, March 2, 2007. The Beats were short a couple of key players, including their captain, Marikay Satryano, who was selfishly off saving some baby’s life. (What’s with these do-gooders?)

The Slackers, on the other hand, were all present and cruising to a second-place finish, aiming to peak at the right time for the tournament. They did peak...

To a 24-8 lead after four innings of a six-inning game. Those were the happiest four innings of the Slackers' ASL careers. Everything was going their way, from diving catches to stellar pitching to one hit after another on offense. This effort was kept going at key moments by the women on the team, Tania & Dana Jordan, Nada Samawi, and Abeer Kayali. They raked.

Miracle On Sand II: Rocky Abushaar keeps a close eye on brother Laith's at-bat.

Were the Beats demoralized, you ask? There was some anger, sure. But they never stopped playing and smiled often at their misfortune. Karma would later reward them with a friendly, two-inning visit.

The Slackers, the visiting team, were shut out in the top of the 5th. The Beats then followed up on their tight defense with eight runs of their own. It was less muscle and more patience that got the Beats turned around. After four innings of superb pitching, the Slackers’ Karim Barghouti Laith Abushaar just couldn’t find the plate. One walk followed another and another, with the occasional power shot by Mark McPherson and Dwaine Chide. Finally, the third out came.

And then the third out came again, but this time for the Slackers in the top of the 6th. They were barely up before they went down. Still, they were ahead, 24-16, with just a half-inning to go in the game.

Marikay Satryano and Greg Ambrosio, at the Winter Tourney.

Watching the Beats circle the bases in never-ending flashes of blue streaked with red, combined with the hot, orange gesticulations of the Slackers, was like watching a Merry-Go-Round on an acid trip. It was surreal. It was beautiful. It was tied at 24 with two outs.

When yet another issued walk pushed the speedy Chris Byrd to second, Mark came up to bat with the winning run (how did we get here?) in scoring position. Ash Samawi, the Slackers’ captain, had had enough. He pulled Karim Laith and inserted himself as the pitcher, for this was no ordinary batter at the plate.

Mark is a large man. He is athletic and intimidating. He is able to change a game with his bat or with his glove. He was the MVP of the Beats.

He was also the wrong batter, according to the lineup. Too flustered to notice, Ash began to pitch around Mark, finding a loophole in the “only one intentional walk” rule as easily as a nose can find body odor in a Left Bank cafe'. But France is only stinky; lawyering yourself an edge in sports is downright poopy.

The count got to 3-1 before the Slackers’ scorekeeper noticed the batting order was wrong. She brought it to the attention of the ump (me, remember?) who, by rule, declared that the correct batter must assume the count; the game-ending out could not be called unless the mistake was brought up immediately after the at-bat was completed. The rule was explained to all and Ash put the icing on the mistake by promptly tossing ball four to the correct batter. Oops.

Bases loaded, two outs. 24-24, and back on the right batting order. Who was digging his feet into the deep hole that was now the batter’s box? Mark. With Chris at third and all kinds of ducks quacking behind him, Ash had no choice but to throw strikes.

Mark had no choice but to deposit one of them over the left-field wall. One duck, two duck, three duck, four. Walk-Off Grand Slam. Karma leans back and smiles.

Marikay received the frantic updates from her team on their amazing win as she got the news that the baby she was trying to save would be able to have heart surgery, and that he would live. And the Beats go on...

Of all these friends and lovers: Sluggos @ Traitors

Noon (88F/31C)
Umps: Mude & Gary

When the Sluggos look at the Traitors’ Gatorade-inspired uniforms, all they see are the miniscule green details. If you’re new to the league, here’s a history lesson:

In the Winter 2007 Amman Softball League season, there were the Green Monsters and then there were all the other teams. The Monsters steamrolled through the regular season and, after a first-round playoff win against the Beats, into the championship game. Through those nine games, the juggernaut never trailed after a full inning of play. Scores like 29-4, 28-3, 43-5 were as prevalent as the odor of diesel in Abdali.

All smiles before the championship game.

But then came the Sluggos. As the #3 seed, they quickly dispatched the Slackers to set up a showdown with the Monsters, wanting desperately to avenge their two regular-season losses. It looked like the same old story when the undefeated Greenies took a 10-2 lead into the 5th inning. Six more outs, and they could celebrate what had by then seemed to be their birthright.

The Sluggos were having none of it. In the top of the 5th, they scored eight runs, most of them with two outs, fueled by Lori Doutrich and Chris Hattayer’s clutch hitting. Suddenly, the game was tied. The Monsters’ dugout was tense, not having experienced such a feeling since the infamous Miracle On Sand (Part I) game the previous summer. Sluggos co-captain Orrince called it the “Pucker Factor.”

“Let’s put up ten runs and put these guys to bed,” urged someone (or was it everyone?) from the Green Monsters, referring to their turn to bat in the bottom of the 5th. The Sluggos, however, had other ideas, holding ASL’s highest-ever scoring team to just three more runs, and an improbably few 13 through five innings. On average, that total is what the Monsters had scored every five outs. The Sluggos' stifling of their rivals was due to pitcher Bill Steinkampf’s uncanny placement and the prescient positioning of his solid defense.

The Sluggos scored two runs in the top of the 6th and final inning. There was one out, and co-captain YAM stood at third, representing the tying run. Monsters’ pitcher Kevin Rowlson looked to his dugout, holding up one finger, an inquisitive look on his strained face. He wanted to know if they still had the lead, and if it was one run. He looked confident as he delivered the next pitch. Deep fly ball, caught, the tag-up, the throw—not in time. Safe at home! The game was tied.

13-13, bottom of the 6th inning, with the Monsters batting from the top of their order. Kevin Vienneau, normally an on-base machine, popped out to shallow center. The Sluggos were bursting with confidence, and rightly so. Brooke Sartawi (disclosure: my wife; I was the co-captain/coach) patiently drew the one-out walk. Mike Moore, a home run machine, worked a full count and smacked the next pitch to left-center for a double. Brooke, representing the winning run, was held up at third. There was no need to panic, because Bruce Neese, arguably the greatest hitter in ASL’s brief history, was due up.

This was a no-brainer. With first base open, Bill intentionally walked Bruce to set up the double-play—and extra innings. Jeff Coupe, who wore “8” on the back of his jersey to honor Carl Yastrzemski, walked to the plate. Was Yaz’s 1967 Triple Crown season going through his head as he dug in for his turn to be the hero?

Bill’s 2-1 pitch was well short of the plate, but Jeff did not want to even come close to forcing in the championship-winning run on a walk. That’s not how sluggers do it. That’s not how Yaz would have done it, at least not in a baseball fan’s boyhood dreams. So Jeff lunged forward and down for the ball, hitting it off the end of his bat, over the pitcher’s head, out of reach of the second-baseman and towards YAM, in short center.

It was too high for her to reach, too. The ball landed in shallow center field. Brooke jogged home and kept her foot on the plate for an extra second or two, feeling bittersweet that it was all over. Ballgame. Championship. Season.

Kevin, Jeff, Brooke and Eiad Zoubi are former Green Monsters who now wear the white and orange of the Traitors. You may barely notice the green on those jerseys, but the Sluggos know it’s there.

Jeff Coupe and Bruce Neese, with the trophy.

So that’s what kissing your sister is like…

Brother killing brother for the profit of another
Game point: Nobody wins
- “Empire” by Queensryche

Cain kills Abel

One step. That was the difference. One more step, and Laith Abushaar would have scored the winning run. As it happened, though, he was thrown out on a perfect relay and tag at home. So the Slackers and Sluggos tied, 25-25, after 8 grueling innings of playing in near-100-degree weather.

We won’t harp on the “Slack on Slack violence” that seems to plague the Burtuqalis, but it is worth mentioning. The step that Laith needed wasn’t lost because he was slow, or tripped, or ran out of gas. It was his hesitation, for just a second, that cost his team the game. Slackers’ 3rd base coach Walid Abu Hassan was sending him all the way. But the runner hesitated because his entire dugout disagreed with Walid—vocally. Laith heard the screams, stutter-stepped, then went for it.

Had his team kept quiet and let the coach do his thing, the Slackers would still be celebrating a rousing victory. They came back from 8 runs down in the bottom of the 6th to force extra innings, then held the Sluggos scoreless for two innings. Not easy to do. Some may hold the winning run at 3rd with only one out, but the way that game was going, I would have sent Laith home, too.

Update, 7:38 PM: I'm really upset about this whole tie thing. Just look at the standings, in the upper-right of the main page. No symmetry. How is an artiste supposed to abide? You have nice, neat columns everywhere else, and then BOOM, like a big, boiling, oozing zit on a pretty girl's face: this result ruins it all.