Week 3 Results

Canardlys 9 JoSox 23 Nomads 16 Slackers 38 Slackers 31 Camels 26 25 143 142 runs in three games. Poor home plate. More later...

Week 3 Preview: Party Like A Shaved Ape

9:00 Canardlys @ JoSox (Umped by 3 Slackers) Teammates in partying, foes on the field. A few hours after this game, Canardlys 1st baseman Chad "The Imam" Bowen and the JoSox #1 fan, Lama Saqr, will hold their engagement party. With members of both teams invited, there may be fallout from the game. I'm thinkin' fisticuffs. I'm thinkin' mayhem. Yes, Mr. Milkshake, there will be blood. *** 10:45 Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by 3 JoSox) The Jordan Derby. The teams are set to play three times this season, with the team that wins at least two games having the honor of taking home the brand new prize. The new "trophy" won't be revealed until there's something on the line, which will be their next game. What will be revealed, however, are the Nomads' new uniforms. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I'm telling you, we are going to have a lot of fun with this. *** 12:30 Slackers @ Camels (Umped by 3 Nomads) The Slackers are spreading rumors that the Camels will forfeit this game. We haven't seen that tactic yet, but if you're scared to play a team, like the Slackers quite obviously fear the Camels, then there is a smarter play. Convince the other team that your team won't show up. Then your opponents won't show up, and you'll come out of hiding to claim the forfeit. Is this what you signed up for, Ash? *** "I didn't get to vote" was sent to me by a couple people, so I'm extending the Bash Mude poll (upper right, in the Green). A new poll will be published on Saturday. Trash-talking may now commence. Or not. I really don't care what you degenerates do.

Week 2 Recap: Simian Honeymoon

"Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read 'Ice Cube's a pimp'." It was a good day, indeed. Mostly calm and clear with only scattered WTFs. Must have been the presence of all those ALLA emissaries. Y'all listened when you were told: Khafoo ALLA. But I have the feeling this honeymoon won't last. Your scores: Slackers 31 Canardlys 21 Highlights of the Game: Omar Nimri and Nader Qushair going a combined 10-10 and remaining perfect for the season, cruising to a win with one woman tied behind the altar. And watching Maher Abu Arja mostly dispense with his wiggle dance and finally hit the ball. Lowlight of the Game: The Slackers, who occupy the bases while on defense like an Israeli settlement on a Palestinian hilltop, complaining that the Canardlys' 1st baseman, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, was interfering with their runners...while he was going for the ball. Stat of the Game: The Canardlys are now 12-0 in postgame celebrations. Random Note: Congrats to Dana Samawi, who got married on Thursday. We hope to see your future children watching games and your husband becoming a Slacker. (I believe it's mandatory.) Camels 12 Nomads 19 Highlights: Saad's pitching performance after the 2nd inning. Iman's uncanny ability to get on base. Laura Alsenas' perpetual smile. And, holy crap, Massarweh's clutchiness. Lowlights: Zaki Ibrahim's theatrics in centerfield, diving after catching routine flyballs and even tumbling after one of his infielders would make a play. Also, watching the Camels wilt in the sun and give away a game they should have won. Stat: The Nomads are undefeated when holding the lead at the end of a game. Random Note: Pour some marinara sauce on that bat, Ramzey Nassar. All that talk and you bring al dente angel hair to the plate? Since this is my first attempt at posting from my TootAswad, I figured we should debut a new Slogs feature. You know how every half-retarded sportswriter falls back on the "Burning Questions" crutch? Well, I'm not a sportswriter, but I am nothing if not half-retarded. So, keeping it geographically and environmentally relevant, here's your first installment of... Diesel Fume Ponderings 1. It was fun seeing Omar Massarweh flop around at shortstop again. What'll it take to get him so riled up that he graces the Slogs with his rants again? 2. Good to see teams paying more attention to the development of their female players. Any guy can learn this game, but a sex change is a big hassle. (Note: There's word from someone in a high position that next season will require three women per team, on defense and in the batting order. "Recruit & Develop" or "Hormones & Surgery"... the choice is yours.) 3. This season's Camels feature a smooth Jordanian-American blend. Wait. How the hell am I supposed to stop smoking? Can someone change their team name to Lung Cancer already? 4. Bilal ibn Rabah became the first muezzin because he had a beautiful voice. Seriously, have you been to Mecca Mall lately? Is that azzan, or a hyena that swallowed a French horn? I'm ashamed and offended. And my ears hurt. 5. Ash Samawi went home to the Slackers after three seasons of whoring around with the Traitors, Green Monsters & JoSox. That's what happens when you're done sowing your wild oats. You settle down with family. It's Viagra and backgammon from now on, Smash. 6. The Ministry of Health requires every restaurant and cafe in Jordan to play "Careless Whisper" and "Hotel California" on a loop. This is a fact. Look it up. 7. Last season's Bezzig & Lezzig were forced to change their name from AF11 to the Canardlys because the women on their team objected to the profanity. Meet Tamy Goudian & Tamara Hawatmeh, AKA The Bin Laden Girls. (No, I won't tell you what AF11 stands for.) 8. The JoSox had the week off, and even though he was out of the country, pitcher Kevin Rowlson still walked six batters. OK, here's another one: In Iraq this week, insurgents always stood exactly 48 feet away from Kevin Rowlson, because even they know he's the American who grants easy access to bases. One more? Kevin Rowlson was a popular guy at Baghdad's nightclubs...something, something...free passes...you get the point. 9. Happy Birthday to Schwa, the Slogs' official boycat, who turns three years old today. He was gracious enough to invite Ziggy to the party. Lewd Comment of the Week: "Who let the f&#$%in' press in our dugout?" - Jeff Sillin MVP of the Week: Khaled, the guard at the ALLA Complex, for giving me the chance to do some screamin'. (UPDATE: Just saw the results of the poll so far. You guys are killin' me.) Web Gem of the Week: Really? 83 runs in two games and you want a web gem?

Week 2: Monkey Wedding Afterglow

We're not quite ready for the Jordan Cup Derby. One more week, right? UPDATE 6:15 PM: There's been a switch in the schedule. Please note! 9:00 AM JoSox @ Noobz We've got some serious new competition for "Best Shortstop" this season, as Eric Atkins showed. Y'all better take a look at the Noobz's Ramzi before it's too late. Can we get someone from the Embassy to clear the mines between home and 1st base? Will the Noobz bring their A-Team to knock off the defending champs? 10:45 AM Slackers @ AF11 Canardlys Umps: Two from Nomads, Two from Trojans SWAT Notes: The Slackers need a booster shot for innings 1-4, and AF11 Canardlys need one for innings 5-7. Nader being on the Slackers is like the Dalai Lama joining the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Maher's at-bat wiggle-dance routine is like a soldier fixing his hair before combat. Will Chad "The Imam" Bowen remember not to face Mecca while playing defense and pay attention to the ball instead? Finally, where's Ash? 12:30 PM Trojans SWAT @ Nomads Umps: Two from AF11 Canardlys, Two from JoSox Massarweh wants a Best Shortstop Opinion Poll. The Trojans SWAT's backup, George, should give him some tips. Hot Pants Rihani is the biggest fan of KISS I have ever known. We want Jeff Sillin to start writing for the Slogs. The Nomads have a few ringers on their team this season, but will they be here for the Tourney? Will the Trojans SWAT win this game, or will they win it in a rout? If your team is even one ump short for any game, then you will take an automatic three outs in your next game's first inning batting turn. (If your next game is against the Noobz, then it'll be assessed the game after that.) Leftovers: Bring cash this week. No pay, no play. Look at the new poll, courtesy of Jeff. Lewd Comment of the Week: "I vehemently but very respectfully disagree with your assessment of the play's result, sir." - Trojan SWATter George, who was ejected. Web Gem of the Week: Gotta be Eric's twisting, diving catch at short, right? Discuss. UPDATE: Rocky's stab of Rudy's hard liner to 3rd in the Sox-Slackers game is the clear front-runner so far. Player of the Week: My vote goes to Massarweh, for not playing. But y'all discuss.

Week 1: Too Loud, Man...Too Loud

"The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven..." - Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap

A long time coming: King pitches to Jeff in the first game of Summer '09

Question: If Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Bratislav Smearpapsa were to argue with a game official about a particular call, would all three get the same treatment from that official? Answer: Who the hell is Bratislav Smearpapsa? Exactly. Rookies & Unknowns need to establish themselves and their reputation in the league in order to build the rapport necessary to OPEN THEIR FREAKIN' MOUTHS to any umpire. Then, if you rooks want to talk to an ump about a call, pay your dues long enough to become a captain. Until then, zip it. We play by a set of rules that have been voted on, item by item and line by line, by the captains of this league. The rules were not found under a sanniyeh of mansaf or revealed to someone in a wet dream. We all came up with them, together. I beg all of you to look here in the comments section for more. And for the love of falafel, read the damn rulebook as soon as you can spare four minutes in between downloading porn and cursing my name. The games... AF11 12 Trojans 20 AF11, which is last season's Bezzig & Lezzig renamed to reflect the team's current openness in mating habits, renewed their rivalry with their cousins, fellow Bling Bling descendants the Trojans. Inspired by the solid tandem of Tamy "Stitch" Goudian and former Nomad Tamara "Look Up" Hawatmeh - and the suddenly and inexplicably improved bat of Maher "The Choreographer" Abu Arja - captain Jawad "Spiked Coffee" Dabbas and his band of merry marauders jumped out to an 8-0 lead. Recognizing the need to inspire his team, Trojans co-cap Laith Barhoum got his Chuck Norris on. Instead of catching a relay from his outfielder, Laith wanted to catch it in his mouth to prove to his team that anything is possible. Ball 1, Chuck Norris 0. Eleven stitches later, Laith would rest easy in knowing that his brother, Saif, and 'mates like Jeff Sillin, Aaron Bouchane and that Rory dude, rallied and took the game. Special Note: AF11's 1B, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, pulled off something that nobody in ASL's history has been able to do: He got Lama Saqr to attend a morning game. I guess it helps that they're newly engaged. Congrats, kids. Just take a hint from the tenor of Friday's game and be careful how many ASLers you invite to the wedding. We like to destroy. Slackers 22 JoSox 23 Looking to avenge their loss in last season's championship game, the Slackers found themselves in a 19-7 hole after four innings. No problem when you have bats like they do. Led by cap Karim Barghouti, outfielder Nader Qushair and pitcher Omar Nimri, who combined to go a perfect 14-14 from the plate, the Slackers put up 4, 4 and 7 runs in the last three innings. And they held what looks to be a potent JoSox offense to exactly zero runs over that span. 22-19, Slackers lead, going into the bottom of the 7th and final inning. Gary Bonifas led off the inning with a single, and Justin Hiester knocked him in with a triple. Steve Mancuso sent him home with a double. 22-21, Slackers clinging to the lead with no outs. Mike O'Leary, the potential winning run, then singled to put runners on 1st and 3rd. Still no outs. The very next batter, David Lopez, calmly took one of Omar's patented cloud-scrapers and smoked it. Steve trotted home, followed by a hustling Mike. Ballgame. Special Note: The Slackers' Nader Qushair has been one of the best players in this league for six seasons now. It's my opinion that he's the most underappreciated player in ASL's history. Noobz 10 Nomads 11 The Nooobz are made up of brand new players who want to learn the game and have some fun. Instead of placing them on established teams, where they would see little or no playing time in our fiercely competitive league, we decided to spin them off and give them the attention they deserve. So every week, the Noobz will have a practice day with some of the league's players and coaches, where they will learn to hit and field and run the bases. Each Friday, they will play in a simulated game against one of the league's teams. In exchange for the "easy win" and valuable scrimmage time, the league team will also help in the development of these new players by working with and coaching the Noobz during the game. But, if the league team does not show up with enough players to field a team, then the result goes down as a forfeit. You really don't want that. Some special stuff for Noobz games: 1. League teams are capped at 5 runs per inning for all innings. Noobz have no limits in all innings. 2. League teams bat with the standard 3 outs. Noobz bat around for the first two innings, then go to 3 outs per inning. If the Noobz have less than 10 players, then outs are counted with the first league player's at bat (see #3). 3. The Noobz will be combined with players from other teams to form a full squad. Any player, regardless of his/her team, who wants some extra practice is encouraged to join the game. Players who can help coach and teach the Noobz are also needed to join up. 4. The goal here is to help the Noobz learn the game and have fun. Take it easy on them and always be in teaching mode. If you're reading this and want to learn the game of softball, please send an email to ASL (from the Contact info in the sidebar).

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Next week's game schedule will be published on Sunday, June 14. We'll have the full season schedule later in the week.

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For the week of June 14-20, reserve your team's practice time in the comments section of this post.

We're Back

"Get it on. Gotta get it on. No choice but to get it on." - Adam Carolla Like a disease in remission, we've come back with rage, killing that false sense of security you felt as you lollygagged away the last ten months of Fridays. The Summer 2009 season of Amman Softball League, our 7th overall, is most definitely on. What does this mean for you? Pain, that's what. You're about to get smacked with balls that have the best size and hardness combo this side of bowling. If you like getting smacked with balls, then you've come to the right place. Welcome. We are also rolling out the same stained red carpet to all those who enjoy smacking balls. See how fairness runs in our blood? We've got Smackers and Slackers and Spitters and Trojans... Botox and JoSox and Nomads and Mo' Nads than any camel-humpin' league in the Middle East. We are here to get some and, dammit, some will be gotten. That felt good. By the way, the Slogs are now Adult Swim. This place is as full of inside jokes as it is full of fun and informative (don't forget well written!) stuff about the league. Read up on ASL, feel free to comment, and get in on the inside jokes. The only rule for Adult Swim: Don't pee in my pool. The deal for this Friday, June 12th: 9:00 AM*: AF11 @ Trojans (Slackers umping) 10:45 AM: Slackers @ JoSox (Trojans umping) 12:30 PM: Noobz @ Nomads (JoSox umping) *That's right, Nine Ay Em. Get over it...or just stay awake from the night before. RULES CHANGES: 1. No more surgical strike. It was dumb. 2. Games are now 7 innings. 3. Infielders positioned behind the basepaths for all batters. 4. Designated Hitter option added. 5. Miss an umping assignment, your team loses a full inning of at-bats. 6. Bring booze into the park, you're ejected & suspended. 7. READ THE RULES! (Note: This is not a rule change.) Maybe I'll have more on the league on Thursday. Maybe I'll decide to do something else instead. Like count the number of hypocrites who pretend to be religious but have no problem waking up entire neighborhoods with their horn-honking, wife-beating and escaped-from-the-zoo children. Softball was a venting mechanism, for all of us. You getting that yet? One word for all the waiters in Jordan: DEODORANT. Two words for getting Jordan out of debt: TRAFFIC PARKING TICKETS. Three words for Le Freak: NEED A LIGHT? Four words for Jeff's uncle: YOUR NEPHEW LIKES BOYS. Five words for all you newcomers: WELCOME TO AMMAN SOFTBALL LEAGUE.