Week 3 Preview: Party Like A Shaved Ape

9:00 Canardlys @ JoSox (Umped by 3 Slackers) Teammates in partying, foes on the field. A few hours after this game, Canardlys 1st baseman Chad "The Imam" Bowen and the JoSox #1 fan, Lama Saqr, will hold their engagement party. With members of both teams invited, there may be fallout from the game. I'm thinkin' fisticuffs. I'm thinkin' mayhem. Yes, Mr. Milkshake, there will be blood. *** 10:45 Nomads @ Slackers (Umped by 3 JoSox) The Jordan Derby. The teams are set to play three times this season, with the team that wins at least two games having the honor of taking home the brand new prize. The new "trophy" won't be revealed until there's something on the line, which will be their next game. What will be revealed, however, are the Nomads' new uniforms. I'm sworn to secrecy, but I'm telling you, we are going to have a lot of fun with this. *** 12:30 Slackers @ Camels (Umped by 3 Nomads) The Slackers are spreading rumors that the Camels will forfeit this game. We haven't seen that tactic yet, but if you're scared to play a team, like the Slackers quite obviously fear the Camels, then there is a smarter play. Convince the other team that your team won't show up. Then your opponents won't show up, and you'll come out of hiding to claim the forfeit. Is this what you signed up for, Ash? *** "I didn't get to vote" was sent to me by a couple people, so I'm extending the Bash Mude poll (upper right, in the Green). A new poll will be published on Saturday. Trash-talking may now commence. Or not. I really don't care what you degenerates do.

Week 2 Recap: Simian Honeymoon

"Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp, and it read 'Ice Cube's a pimp'." It was a good day, indeed. Mostly calm and clear with only scattered WTFs. Must have been the presence of all those ALLA emissaries. Y'all listened when you were told: Khafoo ALLA. But I have the feeling this honeymoon won't last. Your scores: Slackers 31 Canardlys 21 Highlights of the Game: Omar Nimri and Nader Qushair going a combined 10-10 and remaining perfect for the season, cruising to a win with one woman tied behind the altar. And watching Maher Abu Arja mostly dispense with his wiggle dance and finally hit the ball. Lowlight of the Game: The Slackers, who occupy the bases while on defense like an Israeli settlement on a Palestinian hilltop, complaining that the Canardlys' 1st baseman, Chad "The Imam" Bowen, was interfering with their runners...while he was going for the ball. Stat of the Game: The Canardlys are now 12-0 in postgame celebrations. Random Note: Congrats to Dana Samawi, who got married on Thursday. We hope to see your future children watching games and your husband becoming a Slacker. (I believe it's mandatory.) Camels 12 Nomads 19 Highlights: Saad's pitching performance after the 2nd inning. Iman's uncanny ability to get on base. Laura Alsenas' perpetual smile. And, holy crap, Massarweh's clutchiness. Lowlights: Zaki Ibrahim's theatrics in centerfield, diving after catching routine flyballs and even tumbling after one of his infielders would make a play. Also, watching the Camels wilt in the sun and give away a game they should have won. Stat: The Nomads are undefeated when holding the lead at the end of a game. Random Note: Pour some marinara sauce on that bat, Ramzey Nassar. All that talk and you bring al dente angel hair to the plate? Since this is my first attempt at posting from my TootAswad, I figured we should debut a new Slogs feature. You know how every half-retarded sportswriter falls back on the "Burning Questions" crutch? Well, I'm not a sportswriter, but I am nothing if not half-retarded. So, keeping it geographically and environmentally relevant, here's your first installment of... Diesel Fume Ponderings 1. It was fun seeing Omar Massarweh flop around at shortstop again. What'll it take to get him so riled up that he graces the Slogs with his rants again? 2. Good to see teams paying more attention to the development of their female players. Any guy can learn this game, but a sex change is a big hassle. (Note: There's word from someone in a high position that next season will require three women per team, on defense and in the batting order. "Recruit & Develop" or "Hormones & Surgery"... the choice is yours.) 3. This season's Camels feature a smooth Jordanian-American blend. Wait. How the hell am I supposed to stop smoking? Can someone change their team name to Lung Cancer already? 4. Bilal ibn Rabah became the first muezzin because he had a beautiful voice. Seriously, have you been to Mecca Mall lately? Is that azzan, or a hyena that swallowed a French horn? I'm ashamed and offended. And my ears hurt. 5. Ash Samawi went home to the Slackers after three seasons of whoring around with the Traitors, Green Monsters & JoSox. That's what happens when you're done sowing your wild oats. You settle down with family. It's Viagra and backgammon from now on, Smash. 6. The Ministry of Health requires every restaurant and cafe in Jordan to play "Careless Whisper" and "Hotel California" on a loop. This is a fact. Look it up. 7. Last season's Bezzig & Lezzig were forced to change their name from AF11 to the Canardlys because the women on their team objected to the profanity. Meet Tamy Goudian & Tamara Hawatmeh, AKA The Bin Laden Girls. (No, I won't tell you what AF11 stands for.) 8. The JoSox had the week off, and even though he was out of the country, pitcher Kevin Rowlson still walked six batters. OK, here's another one: In Iraq this week, insurgents always stood exactly 48 feet away from Kevin Rowlson, because even they know he's the American who grants easy access to bases. One more? Kevin Rowlson was a popular guy at Baghdad's nightclubs...something, something...free passes...you get the point. 9. Happy Birthday to Schwa, the Slogs' official boycat, who turns three years old today. He was gracious enough to invite Ziggy to the party. Lewd Comment of the Week: "Who let the f&#$%in' press in our dugout?" - Jeff Sillin MVP of the Week: Khaled, the guard at the ALLA Complex, for giving me the chance to do some screamin'. (UPDATE: Just saw the results of the poll so far. You guys are killin' me.) Web Gem of the Week: Really? 83 runs in two games and you want a web gem?

Week 2: Monkey Wedding Afterglow

We're not quite ready for the Jordan Cup Derby. One more week, right? UPDATE 6:15 PM: There's been a switch in the schedule. Please note! 9:00 AM JoSox @ Noobz We've got some serious new competition for "Best Shortstop" this season, as Eric Atkins showed. Y'all better take a look at the Noobz's Ramzi before it's too late. Can we get someone from the Embassy to clear the mines between home and 1st base? Will the Noobz bring their A-Team to knock off the defending champs? 10:45 AM Slackers @ AF11 Canardlys Umps: Two from Nomads, Two from Trojans SWAT Notes: The Slackers need a booster shot for innings 1-4, and AF11 Canardlys need one for innings 5-7. Nader being on the Slackers is like the Dalai Lama joining the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Maher's at-bat wiggle-dance routine is like a soldier fixing his hair before combat. Will Chad "The Imam" Bowen remember not to face Mecca while playing defense and pay attention to the ball instead? Finally, where's Ash? 12:30 PM Trojans SWAT @ Nomads Umps: Two from AF11 Canardlys, Two from JoSox Massarweh wants a Best Shortstop Opinion Poll. The Trojans SWAT's backup, George, should give him some tips. Hot Pants Rihani is the biggest fan of KISS I have ever known. We want Jeff Sillin to start writing for the Slogs. The Nomads have a few ringers on their team this season, but will they be here for the Tourney? Will the Trojans SWAT win this game, or will they win it in a rout? If your team is even one ump short for any game, then you will take an automatic three outs in your next game's first inning batting turn. (If your next game is against the Noobz, then it'll be assessed the game after that.) Leftovers: Bring cash this week. No pay, no play. Look at the new poll, courtesy of Jeff. Lewd Comment of the Week: "I vehemently but very respectfully disagree with your assessment of the play's result, sir." - Trojan SWATter George, who was ejected. Web Gem of the Week: Gotta be Eric's twisting, diving catch at short, right? Discuss. UPDATE: Rocky's stab of Rudy's hard liner to 3rd in the Sox-Slackers game is the clear front-runner so far. Player of the Week: My vote goes to Massarweh, for not playing. But y'all discuss.