Shbotmahlorbot: Weeks 5 & 6 Preview

Before the previews, please heed this bit of advice: Stop cursing, yelling and arguing. It's been getting progressively worse, and I will personally take the blame for that. But from now on, the response from the League will be just as ugly as the acts of bad sportsmanship. -Mude It's time for some separation. After this weekend, each team will have played the other five teams at least once. All ties will be broken. And with two games each, now is the time to set the tone for the home stretch of the season. Who rules ASL?

If you want the full schedule, constantly updated to match the weather, go to the Downloadables section, below the Standings in the green column.

Friday, Feb. 8: 10:00 AM: 4U2NV @ Nomads (Umps: Trojans) The Nomads got a lot younger lately. Will they bring coloring books and crayons to keep their new members occupied? Envy look to avenge the loss they suffered the last time they went up against the 'Mads, but they'll have to do it without Jiries Azar, who starts a three-game suspension for starting a fight. Last meeting: Nomads 30, 4U2NV 2 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: The Youth prevail. Nomads by 6. 11:30 AM: Nomads @ Trojans (Umps: Hit Squad) The Trojans look to start a winning streak with some new players. If that happens, we're hearing rumblings that Nomads captain Omar Massarweh will have the "C" ripped off his chest by Zaki "Crank Yanker" Ibrahim, who pulled a first when he argued against a called strike by citing the very rule that made it a strike. Ziggy & Schwa say: What does that "C" stand for, Rofelio? Trojans by 1. 1:00 PM: Trojans @ Hit Squad (Umps: Nomads) A tough double-header for the kids from Troy, but we hear they have some "builders" coming in. Could the Trojan Horse's historical role get reversed and help them win? It all depends on which Hit Squad shows up -- the Hittin' one or the Sittin' one. Last meeting: Hit Squad 19, Trojans 14 (7 innings, Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: We smell an upset. Trojans by 2. Saturday, Feb. 9: 10:00 AM: Hit Squad @ Slackers (Umps: Green Monsters) Hit Squad is coming off a stirring comeback against the Nomads, while the Slackers just had home run hitter Yazan Barghouti suspended for one game for swinging his handbag at a player who who threw three punches from 40 centimeters away and didn't land any. Before you think there might be misbehavin' in this game, look who's umping. Ziggy & Schwa say: Curse once and we'll snack on your entrails. Hit Squad by 3. 11:30 AM: Slackers @ Green Monsters (Umps: 4U2NV) A couple of teams fancy themselves the rivals of the Green Monsters, but there is no more heated derby than when the Green & Orange collide. Just ask Northern Ireland. Or Ash Samawi, who goes up against friends and family with "Ex-Slacker" across the back of his Monsters jersey. Even Ash's lovely wife, fellow ex-Slacker and current Monster Abeer Kayali, still hates the Green so much, she hasn't even shown up for a game yet. Fact: The last team (still playing) to have beaten the Monsters? Slackers, back in July, 2006. Last meeting: Green Monsters 33, Slackers 11 (Week 1) Ziggy & Schwa say: Over/Under on Walid Abu Hassan + Rocky Abu Shaar outbursts: 2. 1:00 PM: Green Monsters @ 4U2NV (Umps: Slackers) Research just in has confirmed that 4U2NV is the first ASL team to have a fancy design in the fabric of their team jerseys. I'm not saying it makes them look soft. I'm saying I envy it. Harar Mismar talked some smack about his Envy team taking the Monsters to the wood shed. Let's hope he and Hussam Arafah say some extra prayers this week. Ziggy & Schwa say: Dirty Water, baby. Green Monsters by 6.

Don't Look to Al Gore--Look to Al Ghor

The pre-dawn raid began at about 2:00 AM

AMMAN (Kurret Al-Qaeda Press Release) - This Friday's games are postponed due to a Zionist conspiracy which began in the Jordan Valley with supersecret Israeli flies infesting Jordan's peace-loving manure mounds and sinks to a new historical low with today's brazen snow attack.

The odd weather pattern seen in Jordan over the past few years can be explained not by scientific hypothesis and research, but by blaming our neighbors and leaving the rest in God's hands. I call on all my Arab and Muslim brothers and sisters to confront this assault on our innocence with heavy boots, strong shovels and long underwear. Gather your heaps and let us create the Mother of All Snowballs. Our day of retaliation is nigh!

Somehow, some way, you just know that the Americans are behind all this. Probably financing.

The attack intensified as daylight broke and the snowflakes could better see their targets

Update: The revised schedule is now in its own post (the next newest post after this one).

Chicks Dig Long Balls (Not Short Tempers)

WEEK 4 RECAP

After four (FOUR!) homers were hit today, it is with great pride that ASL posts the home run leaderboard*:

2: Javier "Gunny" Diaz (Green Monsters)
1: Larry Martin (Hit Squad), Saif Barhoum (Trojans), Yazan Barghouti (Slackers)
0: Shukri Saleh (Nomads); tied with approximately 100 others, including Omar Massarweh

*Only out-of-the-park home runs count, not inside-the-park ones.

Game 1:
Hit Squad 12, Nomads 10

Another heartbreaker for the Nomads, who took a 9-4 lead into the bottom of the 5th inning. Hit Squad stormed back with 8 runs in the home half and held on for the win. The result was upheld by the League despite Hit Squadder Daniel Rubenstein accusing the Commish of being on the juice. (It's more like fruit juice...out of a sippy cup--with a side of deep-fried chocolate.)

Game 2:
Green Monsters 20, Trojans 8

Monster Javier Diaz and Trojan Saif Barhoum put on their own private home run derby, with Gunny edging out Saif, 2-1. All three homers were way out of the park. Green Monsters extend their lead over the rest of the league, but the never-say-die Trojans are due for a turnaround very soon.

Game 3:
Slackers 35, 4U2NV 3

Thanks to the Trojans' Maher "Don Juan" Abu Arja and Mohammed "Barry White" Zalatimo for umping the game and helping to contain the fight that broke out. We won't name either player involved just yet, but aside from being ejected, suspensions for each have also been handed down. (Note: This is all true, sadly.) As for the game, will Karma come back and get the Slackers for running up the score? (Hint: It's never failed before.)

Update, Jan. 26, 2:20 PM: I just received a phone call from one of those testy, easily offended, politically correct types, expressing extreme displeasure at my "lack of manners." Apparently, it was the headline of this very Slogs post that sent the caller into a tizzy-tantrum. The caller didn't even have the courtesy to say "goodbye," opting instead to just hang up on me. (Speakin' about manners, huh?) It sounded more like a lame practical joke/crank call gone unfunny. Anyway, as you can see, I've edited for content and clarity.

Here's the Nike commercial, which the headline plays on...



Baby chickens (chicks) + a record four home runs hit in one day (long balls) + our first ever fight (short tempers) = Welcome to the Slogs, Sensitive. (Feel better now?)